Hi dear I feel like this is my post . I always
Fell like outsider in my friend circle . I literally don’t have any except for my siblings but sadly they only comes once In a while . This loneliness is killing me ,I can’t seem to understand why I don’t deserve happiness. Life seems so unfair ,I don’t go out of my house ,I don’t work n I m always surround by same people . God this is killing me and to top up my grief I landed my self in such a bad situation from which I can’t take myself out .

Hi cool if u want to keep friendship with me though we live world apart you can reach me at grghope@yahoo.com may be we could help each other get through this difficult times.

Hi all,

Well, I’ve also kind of felt like I’m the odd one out, I do sense other people’s vibes rather easily and find it difficult to find similar people. This has bothered me, but something has changed now, so I wanted to share my thoughts on that.

Do we really have to be involved with people who tick all the boxes and are just like us?

When I was a child, I forged friendships (and had crushes on boys) without going through some mental checklist of whether they were appropriate for me. Things just happened, you just started to spend more time with someone, even if you were from different backgrounds and had different kinds of interests. Sure, adult life is different and for someone who doesn’t have children it might be difficult to connect with someone who does (as an example), but it doesn’t have to be that difficult if you’d be willing to have an open mind and an open heart.

I’m not so sure if sharing thoughts with someone would counter the feelings of loneliness, but rather it’s just sharing, time and energy. If I laugh with someone, the joke in itself isn’t that important, but the fact that we are laughing together. Those are the things that you remember, how someone made you feel. I remember getting close with this girl during a class trip to Germany. We hadn’t really interacted that much in school, but we hit it off during the trip. We were both so tired and laughing at things. So basically, our similarities as people were that we were both tired 🙂 But we really started to like each other and even though we never became close friends, we shared something that we’ll remember and I know that there is this certain fondness even after a long time.

I have personally made a decision to get involved in more groups after summer. At least sewing (there’s a group that gathers to sew all kinds of things that are donated to hospitals and charities), possibly languages (Russian) and belly dancing. Probably a wine club as well. I have no idea what sort of people are in those groups, and I don’t know if I’ll find friends there, but I am willing to interact with others in a way where I give something of myself to them and accept what they give back. I can share thoughts online, but it’s harder to share energy and closeness with another human, and I need that. I think we all need that.

I’m interested in such vastly different things that it would be nearly impossible to find someone who had the same interests. I’m a bit of a nerd (not just a geek, a nerd), into philosophy, Astrology, cooking, cosmetics (using and making my own), weight lifting (though haven’t done that in a while), psychology, etc. What are the chances of me ever finding someone with similar interest? And why should I be with someone with similar interests? Besides, being with someone very similar might make it even harder to accept the differences, and there are going to be differences. Similar sense of humour would be enough to share some laughs, and a kind heart would be enough to open up and be vulnerable for a while. Of course it goes both ways, and it would be nice to be with people who accept that my interests might be different from theirs. It still hurts when other women are dismissive about my nerdiness (I can call myself a nerd, but it’s not nice when non-nerds do it).

I have to say that at least for me, ego has played a part in me getting further away from other people. This idea that I would be somehow different and “special” and that others couldn’t possibly understand me is kind of silly. Injecting a bit more humility into myself, I’m noticing that they don’t have to understand me fully. That expectation is perhaps a bit overrated. I understand myself and that’s enough. What I need from other people is interaction, laughing, sharing, and feeling of belonging. You don’t have to be similar to enjoy those things. In fact, it might be more vibrant and fun if you were different kinds of people and able to accept the differences.

All that said, I do still want to have boundaries, and I also do not care to be with people who either walk all over mine or need constant validation. So @coolcorriander, I can fully understand why you wouldn’t want to sustain such relationships. I personally want healthy energy exchange, joyful interaction or even sharing some sorrows, but between two people who understand that they are two separate people and that the other person doesn’t exist as their extension. Healthy boundaries and healthy relationships!

@coolcorriander (love the name, by the way)

Your fear is completely unfounded, I have to say 🙂 I’ve done a lot of things by myself, from going out on weekends to traveling across Europe to just mingling with others in events. Nobody has ever said to me “you poor thing, don’t you have any friends?” 🙂 The reactions have been completely the opposite. I’ve gotten a lot of positive feedback and being called adventurous and courageous or simply social. As an example, there was this international event, and throughout I kept placing myself in situations where I was mingling with the foreigners or people from out of town, instead of staying with the group I came there with. I got a lot more out of the whole thing, as I met new people and made new friends. People are really quite accepting of a stranger who’s alone. Seriously, all you need to do is to say “I’m alone here, so can I sit here with you”. Most of the time, people start to take care of you and look after you 🙂 Then just smile, return the kindness and be genuinely interested in them. Pretty much never fails.

I don’t think finding friends is that different from finding a romantic partner. In a way, the same rules apply: you have to get out there, be social and allow things to develop naturally. Desperation is a turn off. Perhaps there was nobody you hit it off with in a dancing group, but those people also have friends. Perhaps someone invites you to a dinner party where you meet more people who are friends with more people. It just requires this openness to meeting new people and not judging them too fast.

Also, a person doesn’t have to stay in your life forever to give you a lovely experience that will stay as a nice memory. Like my experience in Germany with the other girl. It was really simple, we just laughed a lot and together met some interesting people, but it is an experience that has made my life richer. The fact that we aren’t close friends right now doesn’t take away from that experience. None of us owe the rest of our lives to another person and we are free to come and go. If the time spent together is fun or meaningful, we are more likely to stay longer. My point is that going on a search for a new best friend is like going on a hunt for a husband 🙂 It dismisses the uniqueness of the other person and their free will to do with their life what they want. So perhaps it’s better to just be open to even short experiences. Just having a laugh one evening in a wine tasting with some strangers. No strings attached 🙂 If you click with someone then make some plans to meet again, or exchange some information. “I know about XYZ, I’ll be happy to send you information about it” It keeps the connection open without being forceful. Asking for help or offering help are great ways to connect with someone.

Considering where you live, you have a huge amount of opportunities to meet so many different kinds of people! I’m pretty jealous 🙂

English isn’t my first language either and I wasn’t sure how appropriate The Ruminant would be. I mean, it is a cow 🙂 But I thought it was kind of cute. I got the name for a blog, but I haven’t been updating it and have thought about turning it into something else. Still having more to do with pondering about things rather than talking about cows 🙂

I will certainly take you up on that offer if and when I get to London!

This thread made me feel better. It has also inspired one of my own. Thanks. 🙂