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Lack of Friends – Is it me?

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  • #60679
    coolcorriander
    Participant

    Hi All,

    Thank you for reading this.

    I’m now reaching for 32 years of age and I’m finding my self in this situation that I dont really have any friends. The only best friend I have is my boy-friend however I know that this can be very unhealthy as I need to have my own life.

    I used to have few best friends (male and female), but unfortunately we grew apart. I suppose we are all changing everyday.

    I can feel pretty lonely and sad as I do longing to have girl friends to gossip with or even male friends to bounce ideas.

    I work in the City and I don’t really ‘click’ with anyone at work. I do question my self every so often, why can I make friends anymore? I find that the older I am the more difficult it is for me to do small talk and mingling. It’s not that I’m not friendly. I’m a friendly and happy person. I always try to see things in the bright side of things and I do get along with my co-workers.

    I know like any other relationship, friendship should form normally – not forced.

    Please help and give me some tips on how to find friend. I miss having friends.

    Thank you again! 🙂

    #60699
    Luna
    Participant

    Hi there 🙂
    In what you said, and asking questions to yourself. I see that you are a deep thinker.
    I am abit like you in that way, but i really make effort to form new friendships.
    Sometimes thinking too much can lead to talk to people with unnaturally, how you feel inside people would pick up on your vibes.
    Do you feel awkward or unnatural when speaking with someone?
    Are you an introvert?
    Do you feel people’s vibes when you speak to them?
    Maybe you are just different from the rest, that’s why you don’t have many things to speak to them about.
    Reason i say all this, because it is coming from my experience.
    As i do make a lot of friends, but the thing is… i don’t get along with them.
    I am really easy going, but it’s hard for me to meet people who is like minded who shares the same interest and i pick up on people’s vibes and feelings. I am an observer, so sometimes i sense their insecurities, it’s kinda make me feel uncomfortable around them.
    Loneliness can be the worse thing ever, and having a partner makes it seem a little bit easier as he is your only one best friend.
    But i suggest you to seek relationship with self first, i could be wrong. You might have known all these already. But i hope it would help :).
    Much love. <3

    #60709
    coolcorriander
    Participant

    Hi Luna

    Thank you for the reply.

    You are spot on! I have a lot of ‘friends’ but I’m lacking the ones that are truly like minded and share same interests. I dont think I am an introvert as I’m quite happily talk to random people in the tube. And maybe you’re also right about that I’m different. I know that I’m not the same person as I was a year ago.

    I tried to form a friendship with 3 girls at work as I saw them and thought ‘yeah, they’re cool.’ I put effort in and unfortunately the more you spend time with people, the more you know about them.. with that you can say to your self that this friendship is sustainable or not. Unfortunately these ones were not. Two of them were too pushy and too strong minded and the other one was very insecure that I found my self had to stroke her ego. So I decided let the whole thing go.

    With the case above someone told me that I’m quite radical as I dont give people chances…! But my feelings said I should let it go and all I did just followed my gut.

    I’m still searching and getting to know myself better. Sometime I’m ok with this situation but I do hope one day I would meet someone that be my friend.

    Thanks Luna.

    Much Love xo

    #60723
    p22
    Participant

    Hi there,
    I agree with both of you. I feel that I am the odd one out in this world. I dont have many friends atleast in the city where I live and the ones I have love them but they don’t really get me. It is really challenging and hard when you are so different from crowd.. Sometimes I feel, I say things in which no one is interested and don’t wanna talk about. I am emotional person too and people dont get it specially girls I feel sometimes because they think you can get emo only in romantic relationships.. I wish you luck in finding like minded people.

    Dont’t feel alone and just keep going!!!

    #60747
    Rewa
    Participant

    Hi dear I feel like this is my post . I always
    Fell like outsider in my friend circle . I literally don’t have any except for my siblings but sadly they only comes once In a while . This loneliness is killing me ,I can’t seem to understand why I don’t deserve happiness. Life seems so unfair ,I don’t go out of my house ,I don’t work n I m always surround by same people . God this is killing me and to top up my grief I landed my self in such a bad situation from which I can’t take myself out .

    #60749
    Rewa
    Participant

    Sometimes I feel like I am so unfortunate to have such sad life even though I am breathing and living . It’s feel like I’m just living because I’m obliged to. God I need to break this sadness. I feel so unworthy, I feel like I don’t deserve love of my family.my parents love me so much but I have been hiding something from them which is killing me so bad .god I wish I could go somewhere so I can start my life .

    #60750
    Rewa
    Participant

    Hi cool if u want to keep friendship with me though we live world apart you can reach me at grghope@yahoo.com may be we could help each other get through this difficult times.

    #60753
    coolcorriander
    Participant

    Hi Rewa

    I’m sorry to hear that things are so hard for you. It’s never a good thing to feel so lonely and helpless. First of all I need you to take 3 deep breaths and say to your self that It’s going to be Ok.

    Times when we feel with negativeness, we MUST allow some room for positiveness because it is VERY VERY easy to wallowing in our misery. Think about things that make you happy, old memories or even think about the sun in shining. Anything to take you to that calm, safe and pain-free place. Stay there for a while…

    Everyone deserve to be loved and to be happy, including you but like Luna said we need to love and getting to know ourselves first. Why can’t you reach out to your parents? Rewa, hiding something to people that are dear to you is harming. Don’t do it. They’re your parents and like you said they love you very much! Then reach out to them!

    You said you dont have any job.Are you actively looking? If things are tough why dont you do volunteering? You will meet new people in your area and gaining experience too at the same time.

    I dont believe that life is unfair, Rewa. It’s all down to us how to ‘use’ our life. We have the control. Unfortunate things do happens however, again, it’s up to us how we’re dealing with that.

    I hope that this helps.

    Much love xo

    #60755
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Hi all,

    Well, I’ve also kind of felt like I’m the odd one out, I do sense other people’s vibes rather easily and find it difficult to find similar people. This has bothered me, but something has changed now, so I wanted to share my thoughts on that.

    Do we really have to be involved with people who tick all the boxes and are just like us?

    When I was a child, I forged friendships (and had crushes on boys) without going through some mental checklist of whether they were appropriate for me. Things just happened, you just started to spend more time with someone, even if you were from different backgrounds and had different kinds of interests. Sure, adult life is different and for someone who doesn’t have children it might be difficult to connect with someone who does (as an example), but it doesn’t have to be that difficult if you’d be willing to have an open mind and an open heart.

    I’m not so sure if sharing thoughts with someone would counter the feelings of loneliness, but rather it’s just sharing, time and energy. If I laugh with someone, the joke in itself isn’t that important, but the fact that we are laughing together. Those are the things that you remember, how someone made you feel. I remember getting close with this girl during a class trip to Germany. We hadn’t really interacted that much in school, but we hit it off during the trip. We were both so tired and laughing at things. So basically, our similarities as people were that we were both tired 🙂 But we really started to like each other and even though we never became close friends, we shared something that we’ll remember and I know that there is this certain fondness even after a long time.

    I have personally made a decision to get involved in more groups after summer. At least sewing (there’s a group that gathers to sew all kinds of things that are donated to hospitals and charities), possibly languages (Russian) and belly dancing. Probably a wine club as well. I have no idea what sort of people are in those groups, and I don’t know if I’ll find friends there, but I am willing to interact with others in a way where I give something of myself to them and accept what they give back. I can share thoughts online, but it’s harder to share energy and closeness with another human, and I need that. I think we all need that.

    I’m interested in such vastly different things that it would be nearly impossible to find someone who had the same interests. I’m a bit of a nerd (not just a geek, a nerd), into philosophy, Astrology, cooking, cosmetics (using and making my own), weight lifting (though haven’t done that in a while), psychology, etc. What are the chances of me ever finding someone with similar interest? And why should I be with someone with similar interests? Besides, being with someone very similar might make it even harder to accept the differences, and there are going to be differences. Similar sense of humour would be enough to share some laughs, and a kind heart would be enough to open up and be vulnerable for a while. Of course it goes both ways, and it would be nice to be with people who accept that my interests might be different from theirs. It still hurts when other women are dismissive about my nerdiness (I can call myself a nerd, but it’s not nice when non-nerds do it).

    I have to say that at least for me, ego has played a part in me getting further away from other people. This idea that I would be somehow different and “special” and that others couldn’t possibly understand me is kind of silly. Injecting a bit more humility into myself, I’m noticing that they don’t have to understand me fully. That expectation is perhaps a bit overrated. I understand myself and that’s enough. What I need from other people is interaction, laughing, sharing, and feeling of belonging. You don’t have to be similar to enjoy those things. In fact, it might be more vibrant and fun if you were different kinds of people and able to accept the differences.

    All that said, I do still want to have boundaries, and I also do not care to be with people who either walk all over mine or need constant validation. So @coolcorriander, I can fully understand why you wouldn’t want to sustain such relationships. I personally want healthy energy exchange, joyful interaction or even sharing some sorrows, but between two people who understand that they are two separate people and that the other person doesn’t exist as their extension. Healthy boundaries and healthy relationships!

    #60756
    coolcorriander
    Participant

    Hi @The Ruminant

    Thank you for your response – I never see it from this angle.

    You’re right, when I was young I never cared whether the other girl liked strawberry bubble gum or collecting barbie like me. We just hit it off. Why cant be as easy as that now?!

    It’s true that all I want is to have someone else to share laugh, sorrow and silliness together. Someone/people that respect and accept me as I am. Most people I met now, all they want is to get drunk and go to the club! I have passed that phase in my life and I really want is just to chat over a cup of coffee or wine and just different kind of fun, I think. Like you, I call my self a nerd too! I’m a deep thinker and I would love to meet someone what I can have a good conversation about life and how can we make it better!! My poor bf, he’s very supportive however, I need to have my own circle of friends.

    I’m thinking of joining groups too. Not sewing – as I am totally useless at it!! But definitely dancing and wine testing. The only fear I have is to show up in these groups on my own. You know, Billy no mates… but hey, I shouldn’t let the fear get in the way of what I want!?

    Thank you @The Ruminant, it’s very insightful! I really appreciate it.

    Much Love! xo

    #60760
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    @coolcorriander (love the name, by the way)

    Your fear is completely unfounded, I have to say 🙂 I’ve done a lot of things by myself, from going out on weekends to traveling across Europe to just mingling with others in events. Nobody has ever said to me “you poor thing, don’t you have any friends?” 🙂 The reactions have been completely the opposite. I’ve gotten a lot of positive feedback and being called adventurous and courageous or simply social. As an example, there was this international event, and throughout I kept placing myself in situations where I was mingling with the foreigners or people from out of town, instead of staying with the group I came there with. I got a lot more out of the whole thing, as I met new people and made new friends. People are really quite accepting of a stranger who’s alone. Seriously, all you need to do is to say “I’m alone here, so can I sit here with you”. Most of the time, people start to take care of you and look after you 🙂 Then just smile, return the kindness and be genuinely interested in them. Pretty much never fails.

    I don’t think finding friends is that different from finding a romantic partner. In a way, the same rules apply: you have to get out there, be social and allow things to develop naturally. Desperation is a turn off. Perhaps there was nobody you hit it off with in a dancing group, but those people also have friends. Perhaps someone invites you to a dinner party where you meet more people who are friends with more people. It just requires this openness to meeting new people and not judging them too fast.

    Also, a person doesn’t have to stay in your life forever to give you a lovely experience that will stay as a nice memory. Like my experience in Germany with the other girl. It was really simple, we just laughed a lot and together met some interesting people, but it is an experience that has made my life richer. The fact that we aren’t close friends right now doesn’t take away from that experience. None of us owe the rest of our lives to another person and we are free to come and go. If the time spent together is fun or meaningful, we are more likely to stay longer. My point is that going on a search for a new best friend is like going on a hunt for a husband 🙂 It dismisses the uniqueness of the other person and their free will to do with their life what they want. So perhaps it’s better to just be open to even short experiences. Just having a laugh one evening in a wine tasting with some strangers. No strings attached 🙂 If you click with someone then make some plans to meet again, or exchange some information. “I know about XYZ, I’ll be happy to send you information about it” It keeps the connection open without being forceful. Asking for help or offering help are great ways to connect with someone.

    Considering where you live, you have a huge amount of opportunities to meet so many different kinds of people! I’m pretty jealous 🙂

    #60761
    coolcorriander
    Participant

    @TheRuminant – Thank you! I was thinking of coolcucumber but it’s predictable so coolcorriander sprang to mind. I love corriander! I do wonder – why The Ruminant? English is not my first language, I had to googled to find out what Ruminant was! 😀

    Anyway – thank you as it’s sort of put my mind at ease. It’s good that people wont snub Billy no mates such as myself! ha!

    Your statement about searching of a new best friend is like searching for a husband made me laugh so hard, I nearly fell of my chair! It’s brilliant and true! I just need to put my self out there be my self and hopefully there’ll be someone think that I’m rather cool to hang out with. Gosh, I do envy my 10 year old daughter as she makes friends so easily. I think mummy need a little bit lesson from her. haha!

    But yes for now, no string attached and just enjoying everyone’s companies.

    I’m lucky that I do have lots of options that I can choose, all I need is just to actually to sign up and join them. Well offer is open if you’re in London, we can talk about Astrology and Philosophy over coffee or even better, wine!

    Much love
    xo

    #60773
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    English isn’t my first language either and I wasn’t sure how appropriate The Ruminant would be. I mean, it is a cow 🙂 But I thought it was kind of cute. I got the name for a blog, but I haven’t been updating it and have thought about turning it into something else. Still having more to do with pondering about things rather than talking about cows 🙂

    I will certainly take you up on that offer if and when I get to London!

    #60804
    @Jasmine-3
    Participant

    Thanks The Ruminant @theruminant What an excellent insight 🙂 Love it

    #60840
    Giacomo
    Participant

    This thread made me feel better. It has also inspired one of my own. Thanks. 🙂

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 16 total)

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