Hello there Savannah ,
It is an amazing journey finding your true self and changing for the better. I have been doing this for about 3 years now and just this year did I really feel a change. It took ages for me to realize what I did not like about myself and even longer to practice the new me. What might work is if you sat down with yourself and start to think of all the people you admire and why you admire them. Then you will see what you like in others is what you want/wish you were like (at times) and also what you hate in others sometimes is a reflection on something you have a problem with. Another thing that might work is just simply defining what you wish you could be like and start searching for ways to be like that certain somebody. The ideal YOU . Now don’t try too hard to be somebody you are not, when I first started I wanted to be a serious person that people were scared of, but the more I tried to practice that the more I realized that it wasn’t me , and then I accepted the fact that I was a hyper/full of energy kind of person and learned to love it . So it is all about first deciding what you want to be like , then trying that stuff out and seeing what the REAL you is all about, sometimes seeing what your strengths and weaknesses are will help , make your strengths stronger, and work on your weaknesses, you might not know it at first it takes time to know yourself and to grow, you’re gonna need a lot of alone time, but trust me it will be worth it! You are not really changing yourself, you are just fixing the REAL you into an AMAZING IDEAL you! Good luck I hope your journey is as fun as mine is 🙂

Savannah,

I’m sorry for the suffering you’re spinning through, and can understand how disturbed our mind can be at times. Sakyong Mipham said that often times people will say “my mind is chaotic! It was never this way before meditating!” Of course that’s not true, the mind was even more so chaotic, its that our awareness of the mind was just unfocused. Said differently, what a mess we see when we take off the blindfold! This can be highly unsettling, because we’re at a crossroads… not yet healed from our past, and so our bodies move through painful emotions, which leaves us with a chaotic mess when we get back on the cushion (or experience silence, aloneness, trying to sleep). However, we also have an awareness of mind that makes these mental spinnings painful and distracting. So, even our resting is stressful! A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that perhaps now is a time for gentleness. Be peaceful, engage in self nurturing activities. Sometimes meditation can become our next quest, the next solution we’re trying to implement. That really isn’t its intention. It does that, certainly, but more as a fragrance. We can re-aim that intention toward the joy of it, rather than problem solving. Said differently, instead of figuring out “who we are” or “why this is happening”, we can look to create emotional warmth in our body. Self nurturing is great for this. Go for a walk in nature, take a bath, listen to soft music… whatever you enjoy that surrounds you with beauty. We open our mind and bodies to what it feels like to be balanced, stable and cared for… to let go and feel peace. We set down the past, set down the future, and let it in.

One of the best of these is metta meditation. You may want to consider stepping away from concentration meditation types for a few weeks and switch to a metta practice. Metta is the feeling of friendly warmth that arises in the chest, and there are many great youtube videos… consider “Sharon guided metta” if you’re interested. Buddha taught that metta leads to a smooth and peaceful mind, and develops concentration quickly. Many teachers suggest that we practice metta before moving into concentration meditation (including yoga). This allows us to approach the mind with a feeling of strength that remains gentle and caring. Said differently, its better if we’re nursing ourselves, rather than leading an army against the foe of self/past karma.

It might seem selfish (or wasting time) to spend time and effort to produce our own happiness, with so many other needs and twists and tangles dancing around us. It really isn’t. Because the energy of metta is co-creative friendliness, it naturally moves us to become more gentle, creative and nourishing to ourselves and those around us. The knots and tangles that were driving us crazy become puzzles, curiosities, we can seem them more clearly, and choose to let them go with gentleness, acceptance and forgiveness. Said differently, we have a friendly dance with the world around us, and it makes the tangles work out much more easily.

Don’t be afraid, dear sister, it gets a lot simpler with time. You’re actually doing great, even with all the chaos and confusion. That’s unavoidable, normal, usual. Be kind to yourself, you deserve some tender care! Namaste.

With warmth,
Matt

I spent years being made to feel useless and unworthy by my ex and others. It got to a point where I lost my identity. I was a living robot. Doing day work, picking up the kids in the afternoon, cooking, cleaning, washing, mopping and when trying to have a few minutes to relax, no chance!!!!! I had to be the perfect wife, I had no attention being paid for needs or wants I may have had, like any other human being. Even after all the hardship and life experiences suffered, I walked free but with a dark cloud hanging over my head.
From near drowning, I have now somehow reached the surface. I know I have a long way to go but I’m not giving up. I have 3 children who are the light in my life. I have friends from different cultures, beliefs and backgrounds who are my family. I have a family (mother and siblings) to whom I am non-existent. The more I experience life, the more I realise who’s who in my life. I was a successful person 3 years ago, with a good job and a nice car and money coming in and my family worshipped the ground I stood on. Today I have no job and no car and no family, but these things are materials that can and will be gained again in due time (including the family). I have however, my 3 boys who are my world, my pride and joy.
I now live my life the way I want to. I sing, dance, laugh and love unconditionally. I fly freely. I am not in any relationships and don’t look to be either, but I am ME. I am lonely at times but I keep myself busy doing sports and activities with my children and friends. I was tired of being the living dead for years. Now I’m alive again and living my life and letting my kids live theirs too.
Your mind, heart and soul will take you wherever you want to go and in particular how you want to go. Believe in yourself:

Believe in yourself and remember that everything happens for a reason,
Don’t look back on life and have regrets for things that have been done,
For now is the time for you to focus in achieving,
your goals and aims in life and never to stop believing,
Keep looking forward and continue to climb, DONT stop,
Concentrate on what’s ahead until you’ve reached the top,
only then through hardship you’ll know you’ve reached your goal,
Don’t ever look down upon others, as you’re guaranteed to fall