May 17, 2021 at 2:09 pm #380009
I will probably have more to write later on in regard to your recent post, but for now, about social norms (“I am afraid social norms will not accept..”), this is my observation: society everywhere, from India all the way to the U.S., is too large (world wide web), too disorganized, too divisive and too dysfunctional- for traditional old norms to have the meaning they used to have have in the long-gone past.
You and I, as individuals, have to re-evaluate norms and traditions- not for the purpose of rebelling against the old, but so to adjust to the new, undeniable reality that is too complex and too troubled for the simplicity of past norms and traditions.
anitaMay 17, 2021 at 6:08 pm #380010
I re-read your posts, and what I understand is that you live on the country side, part of a very conservative society. You are 38, unmarried, not in a relationship, no longer a virgin (which is an issue in a conservative society), and you would consider becoming a single (unmarried) mother, but that is not acceptable in a conservative society.
Your parents know that you have been a good daughter for decades, dedicated to them and to your siblings, don’t they? If you haven’t talked to them about the topic yet, bring it up: let them know that you want to be a single mother because you are getting older and no marriage possibility is in sight for you. Perhaps they can make an exception for you and support you in becoming a single mother, as well as gather the larger society to support you as a single mother. Make sure that if you go that route, that there is no chance (!!!) that your child will be mistreated because he/ she was born outside of marriage, and that your family and society support you.
You might find something useful in reading Tips on achieving pregnancy at age 38, in hello motherhood. com (no spaces). It reads there that the chance of a woman at 30 year old getting pregnant is about 20% every month, while for a 40 year old woman, the chance is about 5%, but because the chances increase in certain days of the month, the chances are greater on those days.
May 19, 2021 at 2:01 am #380074blueParticipant
- This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by anita.
Thanks a lot, you are so kind and helpful. Luckily found this forum.
LoveMay 19, 2021 at 6:09 am #380076
You are very welcome. On the topic of virginity and India, I read that the current conservative attitude in India regarding virginity and sex is to a large extent a result of the huge British presence in colonialized India during the British Victorian Era, in the 1880s.
A bit of history (Wikipedia): the Victorian Era was named after Queen Victoria who was queen for 63 years, from 1837 to 1901. Her reign was a time of a great expansion of the British Empire, including the colonization of India. In 1876 she was granted the additional title of Empress of India.
During the Victorian Era, in the United Kingdom, the husband was legally in control of all property, earnings and money, and in practice, his wife was his property: Her body was for him to us for children, sex and domestic labor. A wife did not have the right to say No to her husband when he wanted to have sex. Her job was to give herself to her husband as he desired.
Many Victorian women endured their husbands’ control and even cruelty, including sexual violence, verbal abuse, and economic deprivation, with no rights to divorce on these grounds and divorce was considered a social taboo.
Women were expected to be virgins before marriage, if she was not a virgin, she was seen as “ruined” or “fallen”. When married, she was supposed to have sex with only one man, her husband, whenever he wanted. But it was acceptable for men to have multiple partners before and after getting married. The wife had no choice but to endure his affairs because divorce was not an option.
In summary: I understand your concern, “Less of confident due to losing virginity” (the title of your thread), but if you look at the origin of your loss of confidence in regard to losing virginity, you can see that it is rooted not in superior, just, humane values, but in inferior, unjust, inhumane values.
anitaMay 20, 2021 at 6:23 pm #380139blueParticipant
After a while of balancing a little bit, I think partly it is my not correct thinking more than social norm; I cannot forgive myself after the drama. At this age of 38, I think I should practice more acceptance and gratitude. After the event, I learnt a lot from that. After all, I think it is not completely a bad luck. I think I will recover ok. Thanks a lot to Tinybuddha and you Anita.May 20, 2021 at 7:35 pm #380140
You are very welcome, and I hope that Lori Deschene, the founder of this wonderful website and the one who operates it, is reading your thank you note.
If I understand correctly, you figured that feeling less confident due to losing virginity is based on incorrect thinking, more than on social norm. I am glad that this is your understanding because incorrect thinking can be corrected.
My impression of you is that you are a good person. And I believe that you don’t deserve to suffer. I hope you have peace of mind and that if you still want to get married, that you will find a good man who will appreciate and love you very much!