I never showed I was depressed, but I pretty much did not look anywhere. She said she loved the gift and uses it everyday, showed her dad and he liked it. She said she’s never got a mug with her name on it and that it’s not too small and not too but but just right, also full time vegan since Jan 1st but has no resolutions just like me. Did not talk very much, I left and didn’t say bye or gave a hug as she was on the phone, I also just wanted to get out asap.

I’m going back tomorrow with a work buddy, she smiled at that. Maybe it will be less busy, probably not. Only way to really talk to her is coffee and asking if she wants any company on her errands, the mountain. NOT looking forward to the day she moves…friendship will likely die.

Btw she mentioned it’s nice going back to normal, she visit a lot of family and kinda happy it’s over now. Said no arguments so I gave a high 5 and she put her hand in a fist and hit my open palm. Never talked about her yoga, mountain, look for a new job, the pot of lamb, the leather bag, the anxiety, the person to see about her career, the high school, etc. Figured those are coffee conversations, and dunno if she wants to keep the vegan restaurant hush hush.

Yeah that’s why I never mentioned it, just the full vegan thing. No you’re not the only one glad holidays are over, i’m also glad. Holidays always feel so fake to me! She never seemed uncomfortable to me, sometimes we do high 5’s, sometimes we do fist to fist so guess she felt like the fist. Sometimes she starts it, sometimes I start it. I used to do it quite often when we started talking, not so much anymore.

For a long time quite often I think back to that Sept 9th day last year…twas my best day of my life! a memory I never want to forget. A memory I wish I could relive again and again and again and again. Dad dropped me off near her work, I walked downtown where I was meeting her at starbucks, got there 10 minutes early and she was 10 minutes late due to traffic and she’s never one to be on time anyway, pretty much always late and arrives to work barely on time. Anyway she got there and went infront of me, saw some elderly were heading to the door so I opened the door for them and she had a huge smile on her face because she loves that thing about me opening the door open for people all the time, we get in line and order our pumpkin spice lattes, sit down and start talking (or chatting as she calls it), talk about her and i’m fully nervous..she’s wearing a nice green shirt, sandles, pants and looked amazing! had people staring. Then she talks to me about what the doctor is likely to talk about (first time talking to my doc about my suicidal thoughts), then we lose track of time…like normal! she can talk your head off!!! She looks at the time and says “yikes we gotta go”, get to her car and tells me she got her full license now! so high 5 time! race to get to the doctors, get there and about to head in.

I had a note I wanted to read to her but off the top of my head, so I did…and it said “I just want to say I appreciate you and our friendship” Then she had her arm around me as we walked side by side and said “i know Pat, I know”, then kept saying what I remembered “and all you’ve done for me and
anytime you need someone to talk to i’m always here for you even if it’s just a hug to brighten your day and show I care”, then she said “i know Pat, I know” while still having her arm around me. Was kinda annoyed a little she kept interrupting! i’m not good with my words or expressing my feelings. anyway then we are about to walk in side by side with our arms around eachother, I asked if we can go for a walk after and she said “sure” and we walked in, looked for where we were supposed to go and I went to the bathroom, came back, went into the doctors office with her. She sat down in the chair, I sat on the table and she wanted me to center myself and breathe, she did that herself aswell and I just kinda looked at her dunno what to do. We talked a little, then doctor came in and asked why I came in, then I kinda was slow at saying it and broke down a little and hand my hand covering my face, he pretty much knew right away what this was about then. Talked a little as much as I could get out, she was talking aswell.

We left with my paper for the anti depressants, we got to her car and asked if we are still taking a walk? she said “sure”, we drove to the beach and she loved the look of it because it was all foggy. Found a place to park, both went to the bathroom that was outside, we both knocked on the walls but could not hear it, walked along the path telling me how I felt, I never really felt any different but said “relieved”, she said “this is rock bottom, we are going to get through this!”, on our way we saw something in the bushes near us so we investigated and it was a stuffed animal…monkey I think? then continued, saw a guy playing his music so I stopped to listen, so did she (another thing she liked about me at the time), she said something to the guy, then we head over to this secret staircase and head down it, jumped rock to rock along the beach on Dallas road there, found a place where she was at recently with all these hippies that were really welcoming and wanted to know about you, we found a place next to the water and sat down.

She was talking about some stuff, showing me yoga poses, listening to the waves crash into the rocks, she did some more yoga poses and sat next to me with her leg touching mine and i’m sure was looking at me as she does that with me in the past and other people but I was staring off into the ocean, eventually looked at her but she was looking at the distance. Asked if I liked it so much and would not mind if she left if I would stay, I said “naw i’d go too”, I just wanted to keep being around her! I was soooo infatuated with her at the time. Didn’t know jack about her compared to now, but there was no other place I wanted to be at that moment then with her. We got up to leave, got to the stairs again and I asked her i’ll beat her up the stairs (it was quite steep), she tried her best but I did it with ease 2 steps at a time, she got half way up and was tired and out of breath and she’s quite slim. Stood at another part of the stairs and she charged at me playing around, we were goofing off and just before we were about to head up the rest of the way she said “do you feel it?” and I am like “feel what?”, “the moment”, she was lost in the moment, asked if she could take my picture because of the moment, so I said sure but to not post it on FB, I hate people seeing my face…she said “oh no I wont, I promise”. It’s still on her phone that picture.

We head back to the car talking about her ex and what he’s gone through, see that guy playing his music so I stop as she keeps moving forward and I said it sounds awesome, she has the hugest smile on her face and we continue to her car and take the long way to loop around talking about stuff her ex has gone through, holistic healing and stuff. Get into the car and take off to drive me home, she has to see her daughter now. Talk about things on the way like if she wants to watch UFC with us, hanging out at a buddies gig, etc. She says yes to it all, drops me off and we hug. About an hour on my FB at the time I posted “it’s a great day!”, she liked it and posted “it’s a good day” on hers, I was the first to like and coment on it and said “No, a great day ;)”, she liked it asap. Text her later about a video I captured of a squirrel running around my feet all curious instead of running away, posted it on my FB aswell. She text me that she NEVER posts status updates on her FB, only shares stories (which is true), so she must have really loved that day with me! she also liked my video.

Anyway that’s it…in the month of Sept she text me more in that 1 month then pretty much the last 3 months combined, she slowly started texting less after that Nov 5th concert. It’s blown me away how little she wants to text me now, although she’s got a job now unlike back in Sept. It still saddens me how little I get now, it always put a smile on my face getting a text from her, even now. Now she just says she’s not much of a texter and finds it hard to text so she doesn’t.

She was there for me back then, not so much now. Maybe because I’ve not exactly been trying to improve myself? also has other obligations like her ex, her kids, her family, her job.

Yeah it is, nobody has been like this to me before. And go figure she’s leaving. I’m definatly wishing I did a lot more with her over the months. I don’t go to her place and hug her to brighten her day, I don’t let her know more often if she’s feeling ok today, I don’t ask her if she wants the company when she does things, I don’t ask her if she wants to have a coffee once a month or more (once every 2 weeks would be swell, or once a week even better!), I don’t act more curious about what she’s doing, or even learn more about her. I’ve still yet to get her home number, I asked about it just before Xmas, and only had 1 dinner with her.