January 4, 2017 at 1:47 pm #124530
Looking at the title of your thread, I guess you are not letting her go.
I do wish she was more available to you and that you had the courage to interact with her more often and more deeply, calmly. If you could, you would have. It is the fear. Don't be hard on yourself.
The way she is, unfortunately is rare. I wish it wasn't. It doesn't seem like a lot, to do and say the things she did. But to say and do those few things- without the occasional abuses- is what is rare with her. And this is the kind of person I would like you to have in your life, one who never mistreats you. There is comforting, intoxicating safety in that. And safety is what you need to relax your fear.
anitaJanuary 4, 2017 at 3:52 pm #124542
I was supposed to see her today at her work with a work buddy but he rather watch the Canada Sweden WJC hockey game. He says he can PVR it but i've known him long enough to know when he says he's going to miss something he does not like to back out so looks for permission to back out, so i gave it to him because that's more important to him. The thing about her is she never does this, she always makes time and keeps time when we are going to hang out, same with me for her except that day i was sick as a dog and had to cancel until the next week. I've not text her we are not coming, does not matter if we don't show up anyway. Even when her daughter comes over to visit, i give her permission to back out so she can be with her but she does not like to postpone so we keep it. It's nice when someone makes plans with you and never backs out, i really hate when people do that. Also in the past he used to ditch our plans on a consistent basis and say “well we were just going to play video games” so he could be around a girl, any girl really. I've pretty much stopped with hanging around him even after all these years.January 4, 2017 at 5:09 pm #124545
Understandable: it is good when you can rely and depend on a person to keep their word, to do what they said they will. She is like that; you are, but this other person is not. Best is when you can depend on a person to- no matter how they feel- to always treat you well, never to punish you for the way they feel. To always count on a person to not mistreat you- this is what safety means in a relationship. Wish it was more, way more common than it is!
anitaJanuary 4, 2017 at 8:43 pm #124579
This depression is killing me so much, unlike anything I've suffered before. It's starting to hurt now. I tried to play video games but I could barely function, never ending tears…just a feeling i'm dead inside. I dunno how i'm going to make it through my 8 hour day at work tomorrow and Friday. This is bloody overwhelming! my suicidal thoughts can't seem to stop..nobody to talk to. I know other people have this but I feel sooooooo alone.January 4, 2017 at 10:16 pm #124596
I have been reading your posts for past few months. I am not an expert but I went through a lot of stuff too.
First – You need to make an effort to book an appointment for counselling. This is not helping you just writing stuff here though I agree Anita has been really supportive to you. But bottom line – you need professional help – counselling on regular basis.
Second – In times of loneliness and depression, we start to feed off a person who seems to be giving attention to us. It might be good but it should not become obsessive and so much dependent on a person. It is NOT HEALTHY.
Third – I agree you had a hard life – more you dwell on it, more you hang on to it, you will only sink into a hole. OKAY, it was bad, SHAKE IT OFF and get counselling, help and do something with your life. You wanted spiritual way – This is it, God has given you life, God has given you so much love and given you a good job, roof over your head and even though you went through all of this in life, You are alive and you should be proud of it – You are a survivor and God Loves Survivors. You chose your life before being born – that is the spiritual life. Find lessons in this life and live it. If you go suicide route, you will have to repeat this whole life again and again until you learn your lesson. That is the God's truth and the spiritual answer.
I have seen people in worse situations and personally I have been in hell personally. I know suicide is not the answer.
GET OUT OF SELF PITY MODE. SELF-PITY is worst thing. Are you proud to be giving away money and helping people? You are doing it for yourself not others. If it were true, do it with a happy smile and not with a pity mode. You are meant to suffer but you are putting suffering on yourself. Everyone has their life. You need to be yourself and be happy. If you cannot be happy on your own, you will never find happiness in life. That is the spiritual Zen truth.
Take a notebook, write what you are grateful for each day. Tiny things – you see a bird, you smiled at something at nature, you have a home, you have people around you whom you call as ‘buddies'. Every tiny thing, you need to be grateful for.
Take a bunch of papers, write down all your thoughts as they come not in this forum, on paper.. It will get it out of system. Just do not go back and read it to feel proud or to see what you have written. Once you write it, tear it up and flush it. Keep doing it until you bring out all toxicity out of the system. This is what Counselling also will help you do.
Being alone is a great boon, people with kids and spouses and affairs also suffer more and their problem. God is with you always. Being alone, you can do whatever you want in life. Be happy, spread happiness around. Toxicity is only when you allow it.
You are in a site which talks a lot about Buddha, what have you read apart from posting here on your mood swings? Have you read and meditated on anything from this site?
If you want to help others and feel you are meant for it, you need to help yourself first. Your inner child is crying for help and you are neglecting and ignoring God's best gift to you.
Everyday do the gratitude exercise. Every time you feel lonely, see what you can do – you can take up hobby, volunteer at childrens hospital or old age home to read to kids etc., Giving money is easy. This is tough. Write / Paint what every you like. If you liked music, go and learn some music. Go to art classes if you want.
JUST GET OUT OF THIS and MOVE – TAKE ACTION – GET COUNSELLING IMMEDIATELY.January 5, 2017 at 5:58 am #124607
In your last post you expressed feeling deep pain, deep emotional pain, hurt. You couldn't imagine going to work today and Friday. I wonder how you are feeling this early Thursday morning. I think I understand the hurt of being alone for so long, growing up alone, then alone day after day, year after year. And then, experiencing some togetherness as we recently discussed, with her that day in September… maybe that increased the contrast in your mind, between how it has been lifetime and how it could be.
This is the kind of pain I experienced, many times, having been diagnosed myself, in the past, with Major Depression (among other diagnoses). Fortunately, I no longer experience it in such an overwhelming fashion. I am able to endure the pain of lost years and decades of my life that I spent alone. I can endure the injustice of how my life could have been instead of how it was. And I accept and am as content as I can be with how life is now.
Please keep in mind, that you have the option of seeking professional help any time. Check yourself into a clinic or a hospital if your experience of pain feels overwhelming, and if you think of harming yourself.
For non professional help, support, to be listened to by someone who cares about you, come back here, to your thread any time. I will reply to you.. every time and you can count on it!
anitaJanuary 5, 2017 at 3:40 pm #124645
I can't Lagjo, the darkness has me in its clutches. Not even the woman this thread is about can get me to see a councellor or what she wants me to get, a psychiatrist. I have to ride through my emotions, the only thing I know how to do.
I survived Anita, but people were asking me what was wrong. Brink of tears once again…ohwell, I told myself i'm going to text her at around 9pm when she's off and ask for her home phone number, then ask when is a good time to call. Sept she said call anytime, but that was Sept and it was through her cell phone she's got limited minutes. Definatly the darkest time of my life right now, but still got to put on a happy face and plan that get together with her on her day off with people from work, then I can ask her about maybe a monthly coffee thing after. She did say a month was too long of a wait for coffee when we had dinner back in October, hopefully she wants to have it once every 2 weeks. Maybe i'll ask her about her yoga in person she's been trying to get me into.
Speaking of Yoga, this woman I met on the mountain text me today to message her when I want to maintain our friendship because i'm always passing on things she invites me to. She was a little too crazy for me…acting like i'm her BFF after a couple times talking. :/ Slow down…I was fine just texting her every blue moon, don't really wanna hang out with her.January 5, 2017 at 3:58 pm #124647
I am glad you survived. I, me and myself, am feeling so sad and lonely today- I don't remember the last time I felt like this. I do intend to take my own advice on this day, as I sure need it. My husband left yesterday to visit his son and son's family (from a previous marriage) in another state. I chose not to go so to save money and allow him uninterrupted time with them. And yet, I am so lonely. I didn't know I will feel this way.
What is this feeling- a threatening feeling, as if it will get worse. Okay, I have given advice to hundreds of people on this website, way over a year. This is the first time since that I feel so badly. Now, what do I do with my depression of this afternoon. How will I survive the still hours to come before tomorrow morning, and the four days before he returns?
What do you do when you feel so very badly, other than playing computer games (which didn't work for you last night). So what do you do with this feeling, so …well, depressing?
anitaJanuary 5, 2017 at 4:04 pm #124648
Sorry you're going through a hard time. 🙁 What do I do? I just let myself feel it as I got no choice really. They will be back, just think of how you will feel seeing them again and let yourself feel those happy thoughts. But i'm not someone who should give advice, I can't even follow my own.January 5, 2017 at 4:42 pm #124650
Well, I just had dinner and feel better for that (didn't overeat, something I used to do to feel better, but I know it will make me feel way worse). Then I prepared the kitchen counter for tomorrow's breakfast (placing the coffee mug and bowl there, and putting coffee grains in the grinder, for tomorrow)- that makes me feel a bit better, like there IS a morning after. Next, I am checking your post above: Oh, it is only my husband who will be back Monday. His son and family stay in Texas.
Let me see what you wrote: “I just let myself feel it as I got no choice really”- there is something here. I have no choice. you got something here. I think that although I told myself to accept how I feel, I think that without noticing I was panicking about feeling worse and was thinking I have to change how I feel. I think you got it… without noticing, I did NOT accept how I was feeling.
I am feeling a bit better… the dinner helped, and the fact that it is starting to get dark outside (closer to the “morning after”) helps, but I also feel better for you getting my attention to me NOT accepting how I feel, and instead, trying to change it- it is the panicking thing…oh, it is going to get worse, I got to do something to change how I feel, now!
Can you believe it, I think you helped me, even though you didn't think you could. I will have to focus on accepting how I feel next and see how it works. Would like to tell you tomorrow how that goes, it is okay with you, I hope? It will help me, I think, to know that this is a sort of an experiment and that I will tell you about it tomorrow.
anitaJanuary 5, 2017 at 5:51 pm #124657
Yeah you don't even need to ask, just tell me tomorrow. Hope things get better!January 5, 2017 at 6:01 pm #124659
Thank you! I still feel down but not panicky. For a moment I did, and noticed, then calmed myself. I think that if I remove the panic element (thinking and feeling it is going to get worse), I will feel better. You got me to notice the Panic Factor in depression. Only 6 pm, way early, but I am already in bed, brought the computer with me. Don't feel like responding to posts but it may be a good distraction at this point. Except here, on your thread, I am getting the help myself!
anitaJanuary 5, 2017 at 6:32 pm #124661
I'm not sure what else i'm supposed to say, I'm not one for a wise man with the answers. Just a guy in a thread, typing out his problems, giving out his daily details what he's feeling and about this woman he's friends with. Kinda nervous! 2 and a half hours i'll be texting her for her home phone number! Trying to be distracted again by video games.January 5, 2017 at 9:13 pm #124665
I DID IT!!!! I got her home number. She gave it out and had a smiley face and I asked how work was. Going to talk tonight!January 5, 2017 at 10:42 pm #124666
Talked about a bunch of stuff for 48 minutes, but she wanted to talk about how I was feeling since I text her I was in the darkest place of my life. Told me she teared up at work today because someone on the radio told a story about someone they knew who commited suicide as they could not wait any longer the process is too long and she is scared I was thinking about it last night. Wants me to think about a journal and we can talk about it next time we talk on the phone. Does not have a time when I can reach her really but leave a message and she will call me back. Told her she can call me whenever she wants, she said thanks. We both getting ready for bed now.