Home→Forums→Tough Times→Let her go?
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anita.
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January 6, 2017 at 7:13 am #124670
AnonymousGuestDear blkhwkdwn1:
Congratulations for getting her number and for talking to her on the phone for so long!
I was cold this morning and felt low although I already started the fire in the woodstove. So I sat in front of the fire, feeling the warmth on my face. Right away I felt better. As I sat, warm, right in front of the fire, I was thinking that she is like that fire for you, and talking with her gives you that warmth that makes you feel better. Am I correct?
anita
January 6, 2017 at 8:37 am #124673AnonymousInactiveGlad you felt better, just remember that feeling you felt when you get sad again. Keep me updated!
Yeah it went well, she was saying that she spends so much time on working on herself and wants to start being around people more. Told me I can call today if I want as she has a short shift and will be home all day. Starts at 4 will likely leave at 10:30. Probably won’t call her though, I don’t want to become an annoyance. Maybe Sunday? Will see if she has the 21st off and I can start asking around so we can all meet her and catch up on her day off. I’ll ask her about if she’s going to give her resume to a vegan job and if she will want some company to go with her. Talked about the mountain and she will come when it’s warmer, also her daughter wants to go to the float lab with the isolation tank I told you about with that joe rogan video. Maybe we can go book an appointment there together? Also plan to ask her if she wants to have a coffee once a month or more.
Yeah she’s my warmth so to speak.
January 6, 2017 at 8:58 am #124674AnonymousGuestDear blkhwkdwn1:
I think that it is better that she hands her resume to the Vegan restaurant by herself, without you, because it seems more professional that way, just her going there. Ask her about the appointment, what will be comfortable for her. Regarding the coffee, instead of asking about the frequency, ask/ suggest a time for the next one, just the first one to come. This is better because it may be too much to commit to a schedule (would be for me even though I am way less busy than her).
Still sitting by the fire. Thank you for your help- your input yesterday (about not having a choice) started a whole research that I am engaged with now, on the computer).
anita
January 6, 2017 at 12:00 pm #124701AnonymousInactiveOh I won’t actually go in, I’d just wait outside and be there for support. Then when she leaves we can go for a walk or something. Regarding the coffee…I can do that. Just mention we should do this again sometime soon and see what she says and let her know I’ll be in touch if she agrees.
Anytime about the help, glad I could have helped you out.
January 6, 2017 at 12:22 pm #124703AnonymousGuestDear blkhwkdwn1:
Having explained the above, now it reads like a good plan, especially if she feels anxious about applying at the vegan restaurant. The coffee date, aiming at just one, at this point, still reads like a good idea to me.
Yes, you have been helpful. If you want me to share with you what I learned about depression as a result of your input, about the panic element in it… if you think it might benefit you, let me know.
anita
January 6, 2017 at 4:41 pm #124725AnonymousInactiveSure thing, share away.
January 6, 2017 at 6:37 pm #124734AnonymousGuestDear blkhwkdwn1:
I learned that when I felt depressed yesterday, there was a panic element to it- a fear that my depressed feeling will get worse and I will not be able to endure it.
I used to have Major Depression and I endured it.
Back to yesterday: the fear that I will not be able to endure it is unreasonable (because I already did, a whole lot of it, for many years).
The fear of not enduring it, made me want to DO SOMETHING. I became desperate- got to do something so this doesn’t get worse!
When you wrote to me that you have no choice, feeling the depression, it made me think that I don’t need to do anything, unlike what the panic said (do something!)
Once I removed the panic element, the distress of the depression went down a lot.
And then, there is more: as I walked today, beginning to feel depressed again (that alone, dreadful feeling)- I thought: oh, this is how I felt as a child, being alone. But now, although I am going to be alone tonight, I can take care of myself, I am not that helpless child for whom being alone was like a death sentence. I can take care of myself.
anita
January 6, 2017 at 8:50 pm #124741AnonymousInactiveMakes sense really. Next time I get REALLY DOWN like that 1 day i’ll try what you said. Probably in a day or 2. It lets up then begins again, lets up, begins, etc.
January 7, 2017 at 6:46 am #124752AnonymousGuestDear blkhwkdwn1:
I was thinking how interesting it is that when I felt distressed I turned to you, even though you never presented yourself as a helper, as one to know the answers. And maybe this is why I did. I trusted you, in my moments of misery… you never pretended throughout this thread to be anything you are not; to know anything you don’t. I detected honesty and authenticity in you, and this is why I turned to you and to you only (online/ otherwise).
I think this is the way out of depression and the way to not get depressed to begin with- to have someone in your life (and this is why I have been promoting your relationship with this lovely woman the thread is about), someone in your life who is honest, authentic, non pretentious, good intentioned toward you, no hidden agendas, no hostility, covert or overt. Can you imagine: all you need is ONE such person (in-person, for most people, I suppose, someone you can see, hear, hug…)? Hmmm.. just one.
anita
January 7, 2017 at 11:38 am #124779AnonymousInactiveLike i said, glad I can be of some help. 🙂 Ever feeling distressed or anything just let it be known in here if you want.
Going to her job today for a visit and maybe have a few beers, I feel a lot better after have talked to her on the phone about issues and want to thank her in person, not over some text message…that’s just wrong. Some things need to be done and said in person. I’m still sad but it’s not overwhelming like it was during the week before we talked. I just needed to hear her I think. She’s that 1 person you mentioned.
January 7, 2017 at 11:52 am #124780AnonymousGuestDear blkhwkdwn1:
Yes, I believe she is that one person. When you thank her in person, don’t present it like you are unworthy of her, or anything like that- try to express appreciation and gratitude to her while, at the same time, you express self respect.
Lets say you express appreciation for her and at the same time, you express lack of appreciation for yourself- that will send the message that your appreciation of her is worthless because it comes from a (person who believes he is a) worthless person.
To make your appreciation worthy, think of yourself as a worthy person. I think of you that way; she does, so join us in this belief, will you?
anita
January 7, 2017 at 10:34 pm #124807AnonymousInactiveWell it was pretty good. Stayed for her final 2 hours of her shift, drank a few. Came in and she had the hugest smile on her face, told her thank you for that talk on the phone and I feel a lot better, she awed and said so you feel better after talking? told her I rather come in and thank her then over a text. We hugged for a good 35 seconds or so, even after I let go she just kept holding on so I kept hugging then. Told her also a woman I talk to online said it was a good idea doing this in person as I’ve told her I post on message boards, we are pretty open about things now. I wont tell her what message boards though, but also talked to the other 2 waitresses and the waiter that was working when I was at the bar. Nice people! She’s not going for that vegan job, she’s now finally comfortable at the job she’s at and for the moment will stay here plus now makes more working at the job she’s at then the one I am at plus WAAAAY less stress and douchebags which I still got to deal with, told her if she ever decides to go somewhere else and wants someone to go with her for support to send me a message and i’ll be her man, she thanked me with a smile. Drove me to subway and told her after today i’ll slow down on the meat, she said I don’t have to but I said I will for you and she said thanks. I’m kinda tipsy, but it was a pretty good night. She’s probably not going to do that isolation tank thing, just her daughter mentioned it but she will see. Left her purse with her phone at dance class, she pretty much only texts her daughters, her mom and me. Everyone else just every now and then to meet up sometimes and told her that i’m most comfortable texting. Told her we should meet up sometime soon for a coffee, it will have to be later as she’s kinda busy at the moment. I said sometime after when we meet up with her old employees, so likely the end of the month. She loves indian and African dance though, asked her and the other people if they ever dance to the Indian music as it’s an Indian resturaunt. When she dropped me off at subway we fist pounded, can’t really hug in a car. Also mentioned that I sure like coming in quite often, I must like the place. I sure do, the atmosphere is really awesome, everyone I bring agrees. Also come in only when she’s in so I can say hey to her. Why not? Also one of the women is about to go back to school (college) so I wished her good luck!
January 7, 2017 at 10:59 pm #124808AnonymousInactiveOh right, she also asked if I was tearing up on the phone because it sorta sounded like it. Yeah, I kinda was I let her know. Also let her know i’ll phone her soon. Hopefully she phones me on her own and it’s not like the texting and pretty much only me, would be dope having her call me on her own to talk because she was thinking of me.
January 8, 2017 at 6:28 am #124825AnonymousGuestDear blkhwkdwn1:
Terrific visit- excellent! I like the long hug. See how important it was for her to hear from you that you felt better after talking to her? It is important for her to know that she has a positive affect on you, that she is helpful. It means a lot to her. So, give her the opportunities to make you feel better.
About you giving up meat for her- unless you really want to give up meat- no need to offer this to her, remember, be your own man and express self respect. To please her, all you have to do is to let her know that she has a positive affect on you, that she is helpful to you.
anita
January 8, 2017 at 7:17 am #124828AnonymousInactiveStill dunno what to think when she said I sure come over a lot, maybe it means I need to come less as she’s seeing more then she wants or something? It’s good I did see her in person though, if I thanked her in text I’d have been thinking she was ignoring me as I’d not have known she lost her phone at dance class. She never got her sister that leather bag because it was leather, so I did a fist pound to her for that.
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