Hey long time no post. Since I have last posted i’ve lost 60 pounds doing the ketogenic diet (took me 5 months) and feeling much better since I started eating better and using my bicycle as a means for excercising. Had to call 9-11 for my dad a month ago, he ended up having surgery to fix 2 hernias and he’s still recovering. As for the girl? not messaged her in 3 months, don’t think about her that often unlike before where I could not get her out of my mind. But I do have a new problem…

Lately I been thinking about an ex girlfriend of mine I had 17 years ago (lol) back when I was 16 and she was 14, but it was an internet girlfriend. Looked her up on facebook and her name and school match but it’s been inactive for 8 years, so good luck seeing if that was really her or not, her picture she had she worked at hooters. She was my first girlfriend even if it was an online relationship, she was my first love if you called that love, although her ex that still loved her ended his life because I was dating her and not him (again online, who knows if it was real). Would not mind reliving some of the moments I had with her if I could rewind the clock or have a lucid dream of it or something. Or even knowing if I could somehow reach her and learn about her. Even a year after she broke up with me we both said we still miss eachother, even with a different internet girlfriend I had that took me away from being around her and all my online friends so I could be with her friends instead. That was a huge regret, ohwell. Doubt she has ever thought of me since then lol, I just started remembering because of a favourite song of hers was on youtube.

What’s up with you?

Glad you’re doing fine!

Not really into relationships, I think I prefer 1 night stands then anything as I think about sex…a lot. Never even had a girlfriend, never really attempted to get 1 and i’ve had plenty of girls in the past that have been interested in me it seemed like, but never really cared about being close to another person, except for this thread but I was a little crazy and those emotions were not real, just my depression talking. I prefer just to make a girl laugh and have fun, nothing more really.

Damn, that’s a long 26 page re read. I dunno if I could ever re-read my madness, I would be cringing like crazy. I felt and still feel like a drama queen from all of this and it puts me in a weird mood reading my madness.

As for not wanting a girlfriend…I dunno, just never got a point of bonding with people at that level. I just sit on my PC all day playing games, listening to music, watching hockey, going to work, exercising. Wish I did martial arts and boxed, maybe soon but a relationship has not been a goal of mine for a long time. Maybe I gave up knowing I’ll never get a girlfriend because I hate myself and don’t want people seeing my dark side, I can’t even stand my dark side and it makes me feel cringey and gross, which is why I’ll not re-read the thread. I don’t even find myself a good person with the thoughts that go off in my head, even giving out nearly 10 grand in 1 year (which is half what I make a year) to help people. I don’t think I could stand myself in a relationship having to feel exposed to my feelings, so I prefer to stay single either for the rest of my life or until I feel like entering a relationship and I feel OK with it, I don’t cry at night and lack sleep because i’m lonely or anything. I just found it weird how I randomly started thinking of that 14 year old girl I dated from Florida (literally as far away from me as possible as I’m from British Columbia) when I was 16 which was 17 years ago and had those awesome memories of us talking, how I felt for her, my regret for letting her go and joining the other relationship which felt so fake. It feels so vivid like it just happened yesterday. I’m surprised how a memory of an online relationship I had 17 years ago I can remember so many details when everyone tells me I have the worst memory they have ever known, I’ve forgotten so much stuff even when they talk to me for a few minutes but I can remember THIS somehow.

I guess it was important to me or something, maybe this is why I don’t want a relationship…I dunno. Have a great night.

To be honest I read that a few times and I dunno what to write to respond to that post.

I guess I can say I figured that stuff about me, seems pretty obvious. Maybe 1 day I’ll snap out of it. They say dropping a ton of weight makes you more confident, I don’t feel any more confident down 60 pounds then I did up 60 pounds, I feel better but not more confident. One goal of mine I wish I had is walking up to random strangers (guys or girls) and just talking to them out of the blue, not for a girls number but I need to work on my social skills. I also wanna be really active and a guy that is calm and when you’re around me you feel calm, also wanna be fun and more funny, also, of course, be kind to everyone, although sometimes my energy is extremely low and all I wanna do is snap at people because i’m exhausted and little things get on my nerves at that point. I’ll also never forget that online girl I had, I’m not thinking about her as much now but she’ll always be part of my memories, nobody can take that away from me but those same feelings I can get just as much or even stronger with a real girl I can touch.

Have a great night, i’ll post every now and then. Maybe i’ll retire this thread and make a new one, this was supposed to be about a woman I thought I liked, but I was just going through a tough time and clung onto her niceness. I never really knew a whole lot about her even before she quit. Thanks again!

Did not plan to post here again but I dunno where else to post this. First off i’m pretty sure the friendship has run its course, but remember that money part? She paid me half the money I loaned her in her time of crisis and i’ve never asked for it once since I said i’m not in a rush to get it back (i’m still not, still got plenty and I don’t wanna stress people out), saw her a few weeks ago at my work and as she was leaving she said to me as she was walking away she will message me to catch up (so another coffee) but not text me.

But she always seems to say she will be in touch now but disapears, only responds if I text her and if I’m doing all the work then I kinda float away which is why I said the friendship has run its course, not text her in a few months and 4 months before that. Anyway back to what I was saying…

I text her last night saying “Uhhh this is a little awkward to ask, but curious about that money thing? I’m sure you’re swamped now but some other time even if it’s a small amount when you have it. No idea if you remember or not and I feel like an ass for asking”, she’s been all over facebook on her phone but has not been responding to my text I gave her yesterday.

She quit her job she was working at and has 2 businesses now by doing her dream job. Is this a sign of her just going to ignore me from now on? after all this time, money will be the killer. I mean if she can’t afford to pay me back that’s fine, i’m not going to be an evil person about it but i’m not going to be handing out money anymore.

I have no idea if she recieved it, does not show text as “read”, but she’s always on her phone now so i’m pretty sure she’s seen it by now. I’ll message her again Monday when I finish work, then if no response I know she’s ignoring me and do a final message on Friday after work.

I just don’t get it…and yes she’s a nice person, people all over her FB keep saying she’s the most lovable, caring, and effectionate person they know.

I’m sure I said that sometime last year in the summer time (page 25 at the end I think), but the last coffee we had (Feb I think? was gonna be August but I didn’t feel like it so I never messaged her for one) she said she still wants me to know she’s not forgot about the money she owes me and she still intends to pay it, so dunno anymore. But sure, i’ll message you what happens. Not talked on the phone since I think November? or something.