Dear Marnia:

You wrote that “his love may be more unconditional than” your own and that you would like to “love him unconditionally”- how was his love for you unconditional?

I ask because an answer will help me to come up with the advice you asked for.

anita

Dear Marnia:

He genuinely wants you to love yourself and heal, but he doesn’t want to be there with you as you love yourself and heal (from what?.. he wants to be elsewhere, focused on his career and have a lasting relationship with another woman?

If so, why doesn’t he want to live with you and be a witness and an intimate participant in your life?

(still trying to understand).

anita

Dear Marnia:

Reads to me that he unconditionally loves you as a friend, and that is very different from and much easier than loving you as an intimate partner/ girlfriend.

I think that he “is able to conceal his romantic feelings for” you because these are not strong feelings (this is why he was inclined to focus on his career). On the other hand, your romantic feelings for him are strong (this is why you were inclined to focus on the relationship).

“I can’t appreciate him enough… I’d even say his love may be more unconditional than my own”- seems to me that you put him and his friend-love toward you on a pedestal, seeing his love as more than it is. In your quest to let go of him, it will help if you take him off the pedestal. Don’t see him as more (or less) than he is, and don’t see his love as  more than that friend-love that it is, if indeed that’s all that it is.

It is easy to say loving words, to express loving emotions during short, limited period of times on the phone, or during limited-time visits. It is way, way more difficult and challenging to love a person in practice, while living together. So take him off the pedestal as a start. Do I make sense to you?

anita

Hey Marnia,

You’ve mentioned codependency on your post on top. Could you give more details? Were your actions geared towards taking care of your partner, dropping everything for them when they call or is in need of help? Or were you expecting them to help you whenever you were in trouble?

Also, what are your fears in letting go of your ex? Do you fear being alone? Do you fear not being able to meet someone like him in the future? Do you fear not being in a relationship? What are your fears?

GL

Hi. This is all very helpful. I am trying to let go and having trouble. My husband of 20 years has decided he no longer loves me and wants to end our marriage after he has decided the things he fell in love with, drive him nuts. We are in our 50s.  He was a family man, best partner for last 17 years. We have been disconnected for a while and I missed things along the way. There are missing variables and I feel I will find them out in time(mid life crisis/wants a new relationship)? He had a recent career loss and we have been in counseling for a year. He feels he has tried everything and is ready to move on(says we are not fixable). I feel like he quit us, but if he doesn’t love and appreciate me s a partner should(and feels like i cannot change b/c I don’t get it)what can I do? Especially if he thinks he no longer loves me. This blows my mind, it is like a death. Who quits after 20 years???

I finally have accepted this is real, that maybe this is a gift to me. I have kids that are school age and I am just not sure how to get through this. I feel the perspective here may help… any advice is appreciated.

Hey Marnia,

I think it’s fine to make relationships one of the main focal point of your life. But as you’ve realized, when you put all of your energy into one relationship, you will eventually get lost and lose yourself. Why does this happen? Because you were trying to do the impossible, merging two whole to create one. One plus one does not make one, but a lot of people are taught that they are halves, or even zero, therefore they need something outside of themselves to become whole. Do you feel that way yourself?

If you do, you’ll have to look at the programming you were equipped with, starting from your childhood to your adult life. What was the messages presented to you and which messages have you ingrained in your mind, thinking that it was true. After, you fear that no one else will love like he did, but what exactly is love for you? A body that you can come home to at the end of the day? Why not get a dog then? Or is it something you give therefore they should give you in return? That’s just entitlement or a give and take. Someone to validate you as a person? Someone to make you feel as if you matter? But for how long will that feeling last until you need your next high? How many times will a person have to tell you “I love you” until you feel satisfied? Or will you ever feel satisfied? When is it enough?

On the other hand, though you give focus and energy on your relationship with your boyfriend, where is the energy for your relationship with yourself? You might think you feel incomplete without being in a relationship with other people, but what about the relationship with yourself? A relationship with yourself is also a relationship, so why did you not put in any effort with yourself?

Relationships are important to you, but you’re neglecting an important relationship by ignoring yourself and focusing on others. As it is far too easy to project your desires onto people, ask yourself why you can’t fulfill those desires by your own effort with your own self, first and foremost, than relied other others to fulfill those desires for you.

GL