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Losing best friend who is pregnant

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This topic contains 80 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Maddie 2 months ago.

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  • #301943

    Maddie
    Participant

    Hey guys

    I have a close friend. We were practically inseparable. We both are girls. Somewhere along the line we got so close that sometimes we used to be romantic with each other as well. She was already married.Last year Nov she got pregnant. Since Dec she became distant and in Jan she got completely silent with me. Never responded to my texts,calls nothing. No matter what i say/do, i would never get a reaction out of her. Then one random day in March she blocked me on facebook. I was deeply hurt.Now i have never seen pregnancy so closely so i was not able to understand why she would just block me. I tried talking to her but never got the answer. I still tried to understand her and be there for her.

     

    We have had some fights too. So i used to send her loving messages, sometimes apologising too n sometime motivaltional too cause i knew pregnancy was being hard on her. We work at same place and one day in May i got to know she was asked for bed rest. So i called to check up on her but got no response so i sent her a text asking how she is doing? And i offered to help with anything she needed. The next day she blocks me on instagram and then after 2 hours she blocks me on whatsapp too. I was beyond hurt. I tried asking her what is happening but got no response. I was miserable for days but then i thought maybe she didnt mean it, may be she is going through somethings that i dont know of and maybe her blocking me is just a way of her “Blowing off some steam”. So to move on i created a new acc, as i wanted to break free of old memories as they were getting too painful for me. But i didnt reach out to her. I understood she needed space and time so i left her alone. Now one random day, she blocks my new acc too. I know i was checking her acc as i was missing her too much..Thats how i got to know. I was surprised like Why block my new acc when im not eve reaching out?

    Now im really confuse what is going on? This girl used to be very flirty and romantic with me. She even used to call me her boyfriend and we were bestest of friends. Now im confuse – is her behaviour due to fact that maybe she developed something more for me? or is it just pregnancy thing? Did she start seeing me as more than friend and so backed off? Or is she just wanting to focus on baby and so is pushing me away?

    She is due in July. Should i be more patient and wait it out? I really want to be there for her in this journey and i wont mind helping her with anything that i can to ease her stress with motherhood. But after being blocked and all, im not really sure where i stand with her.

    <span style=”text-align: right;”>Any advice would be helpful. Thank You :-)</span>

     

    #301967

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Maddie:

    I see two reasons why she blocked you repeatedly:

    1. “we got so close that sometimes we used to be romantic with each other.. This girl used to be very flirty and romantic with me. She even used to call me her boyfriend”-

    – the relationship between you and her was a beginning lesbian relationship out side her marriage.  I figure she either feels uncomfortable about having a lesbian relationship  and/ or uncomfortable about having a romantic relationship outside her marriage. The fact that she became pregnant by her husband, may have solidified in her mind that she needs to be loyal to her husband.

    2. “We have had some fights”- maybe that is the reason, or one of the reasons, the fights- what were those fights about?

    anita

    #301971

    Maddie
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    Fights were generally. She never expresses fully and im more of face to face kinda person. We work at same place..Im manager and she is junior in another team. Her manager was pressurising her to stop talking to me and go on breaks with me. Now this girl never told me this clearly. She often used to say I dont want to come and when i would ask why she would get irritated and we would end up fighting. Once i had kept a status for someone else..She thought it was for her and got angry. After much convincing and explanation she agreed to talk to me. Then too i used to tell her that lets talk about our fights and solve issues, but she would always avoid the topic.

    Last fight we had in Jan. She was 2 months along then and i was trying very hard to keep up with her mood swings. That time i was hospitalised for 3 days due to my migraine. She never once checked on me, even when i told her after coming back from hospital. That day i called her and asked her. She kept saying “I cant text/call her. We are normal friends for now. With time i will see. Dont expect ant caring from me right now”. I couldnt understand what happened suddenly and we fought. Although next day i did apologised cz i said much in anger. But i was hurt cz she knew how severe my migraines are and she couldnt even drop me a text to ask. Since that day she became complete silent. I said sorry many times, gave her a letter too expressing heart felt sorry.along with her fav chocolate. She gave the chocolate back after some days but never gave the letter back. I even told her i was jerk for not understanding her but got no response.

    The blocking started randomly. She started with FB first where i was not even tagging her or anything. I thought maybe her husband would have asked her to do it. i thought maybe he would have read our texts/chats and raised concern. So i still tried to be patient. I would sometime drop her a friendship text(minus any romantic stuff). Sometimes i would tag her or send her something pregnancy related.

    Then after 2 months she blocks me on instagram and after 2 hours on whatsapp. By this time she was coming to work so i tried to talk to her to know whats going on but again got ignored. So i left her alone. I had deleted my social media but after some days i opened new acc cz i wanted to leave the bad memories behind and start fresh and i did not reach out to herNow she got friend suggestion or she delibrately searched me im not sure, but somehow she got to know i created new acc and she blocked me there as well.

    Before baby planning she asked me what my baby will call you? I said Aunt/friend/sister/guide whatever they want they can call me. So one day in Nov when we were still talking, i simply kept my hand near her belly and said “Hi baby im ur aunt/sister/friend etc. She then asked me Father? I was speechless for a minute and i didnt know what to answer to this.

    Tbh im not looking for a relationship with her. I know she is married and now with baby. I want us to be friends always. I know now we cant be same like before – talking/hanging out a lot etc. But i also dont want us to block each other and behave like enemy. I want to be an aunt to her kid and want to help her in this journey

     

    Im not sure if she started having feelings for me or husband got involved or she is just wanting space to deal with pregnancy

    #301977

    Maddie
    Participant

    I would also add here that once she told me that she get a sense of protectiveness from me which she doesnt even get from her own husband.

    She then told me that you get married and shift near to my house and whenever i have fight or im sad i will come to you and we will then have a secret relationship. I asked why marry, i can shift like that also. i earn good so i can afford a good house on rent. She then said “No if u marry then i wont have to explain all the time to my husband.”

     

    #301979

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Maddie:

    Seems to me that you want to be her friend, you want to be part of her life but she doesn’t want that. Seems to me that she thinks that having been friends/ romantic friends was a mistake and she doesn’t want to repeat that mistake. She asked you something like … if you would consider being referred to as the father of her baby (“I simply kept my hand near her belly and said ‘Hi baby i’m ur aunt/ sister/ friend etc. She then asked me Father?”)-

    I think she got alarmed, thinking maybe something like: this baby has a father, what am I doing here… referring to a woman co worker as the father of my child.

    There was an affair between you and this woman and she ended this affair. I hope you manage to treat her from now on as nothing but a co worker, maintain nothing but a minimal professional relationship, nothing more.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 2 weeks ago by  anita.
    #301983

    Valora
    Participant

    Hi Maddie!

    I agree with Anita’s assessment, too. Based on what you’ve said, I think the pregnancy was sort of a wake-up call for her of sorts. I think she just realized that she didn’t want to continue doing what she’d been doing, so she cut things off in the easiest way possible (for her)… she ghosted you.

    This happens to a lot of women who have guy friends when the guy friends get a girlfriend who is insecure and doesn’t want their boyfriend talking to any of his friends that are girls… so he stops for her. I have lost many, many of my best guy friends this way, and those guys and I weren’t even romantically involved… just a platonic friendship. So things like this happen all the time, and you kind of just have to let them go. If, at some point, she pops back into your life (usually that happens years later, if at all), you can decide then if you want to continue a friendship or whatever with her, but for now, she clearly doesn’t want contact, so that means you just have to let her go.

    #301987

    Maddie
    Participant

    Dear Anita :

    Well, that makes sense now. But my point is we could have had a decent conversation about it. I never laid any expectation on her that she should leave her family/husband and come away with me. In fact now that you say, i think indeed it was an affair. During my bday last year, we had planned to spend the day together. She asked me to come way to early at house like at 7 am. I told her im not waking up so early on my bday. She then told me you do night over at my house and then you sleep between me and my husband. I was bit grossed out and i told her that Im not gonna sleep next to him, i would rather sleep on couch. But she said No you sleep between me and him. I said No you sleep between me and him or i sleep on couch as anyways im a late sleeper so i would watch TV.

    About this relation at work, well that wont be an issue cause she is on her maternity and wont return until Dec. I just hope i get to see her baby. And i really dont want to lose the friendship but i guess either her feelings got deeper and with baby she realised that or she thinks that she might develop feelings if she continues. Either way its clear that she cant stay Just Friends with me

    #301989

    Maddie
    Participant

    Hi Valora 🙂

    Yup im ok to let go but i was stuck as i never got clear explanation. Like i mentioned im more of a face to face direct convo kinda person. I strongly believe in communicating like mature adults and not behave like kids (blocking, ghosting etc). I always prefer a direct dialouge and then be done with the issue. I would have really prefered if she would have told me that see with baby i want complete focus on my family so i cant continue this relation. We all are supposed to be mature adults here

    #301991

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Maddie:

    “Either way its clear she can’t stay just Friends with me”- but she hasn’t been “just Friends” with you, if there was a just- friendship, that is way in the past. She has been interested in you sexually and clearly expressed that interest to you. The two of you had a sexual affair, even though it did not include physical sexual acts.

    So, in her mind, she did not block a “just Friend”, she blocked a woman she was interested in sexually and with whom she had a part- sexual affair.

    anita

    #301993

    Maddie
    Participant

    Dear Anita :

    Well i never thought she was sexually interested in me. I mean i did knew she and him were not close that time cause he works day shift and me and her used to work nights.

    I assumed it was just romantic feelings. Sometimes i used to ignore as i used to think she is just expressing her love in her own way. She never had anyone like me in her life. I had once given her surpise for her bday by taking her to a nice dinner. She then told me that no one has ever given her such a surpise. She used to feel hestiant to hug m or hold my hand. I on other hand am a bold person and some of my friends we do hug each other when we meet. She used to tell me she isnt used to hugging/holding hand. And i used to be really surprised as hers is a love marriage and they were bf gf for good 7-8 years before tieing the knot. Then i used to think that how come they never hugged/hold hands while being in a relationship.

     

    I guess she wasnt getting that emotional connection from him when she met me and she just kinda lost control. And as Valora mentioned that Pregnancy might have been a wake up call for her.

    I think her husband is involved too i guess cause he too have blocked my old acc. But he hasnt blocked my new accs though

    #301995

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Maddie:

    You took her out to a surprise nice dinner on her birthday, her husband didn’t.

    You gave her chocolate, her husband didn’t.

    You behaved as if she needed protection and you were the one to protect her (“she told me that she get a sense of protectiveness from me which she doesn’t even get from her own husband”).

    You hugged her and held her hand, he didn’t (at least not outside of the bedroom).

    So she got confused, you were more of a man to her liking than her husband was, more masculine, protective, courting her. This is why she suggested that her baby calls you “Father”, not mother or aunt.

    Then she suggested that you sleep between her and her husband, wanting you to… supplement his masculinity.

    Maddy, it is wrong for you to further pursue her as anything, friend or more. Because she is married and will be having a child with her husband. Maybe she will ask him to do the things you did, to take her out, to give her chocolate, to hold her hand etc. That will be wise of her.

    Better you don’t stand between her and her husband (or sleep between them..) and seek friendship and/ or a romantic/ sexual relationship with a person who is not married, someone who is available to you.

    anita

    #301999

    Valora
    Participant

    Hi Valora

    Yup im ok to let go but i was stuck as i never got clear explanation. Like i mentioned im more of a face to face direct convo kinda person. I strongly believe in communicating like mature adults and not behave like kids (blocking, ghosting etc). I always prefer a direct dialouge and then be done with the issue. I would have really prefered if she would have told me that see with baby i want complete focus on my family so i cant continue this relation. We all are supposed to be mature adults here

    I definitely know what you mean. I think we all like explanations when things like this happen because it gives us closure and peace of mind, but there will be many times where we just sort of have to move on without it. It’s frustrating to move on without that conversation, though. I’ve had to do it myself many times when I would’ve much rather had an honest conversation beforehand and had my questions answered so I’m not left to wonder and overthink. In the end, I figure it’s all the more reason to let them go, though. If she couldn’t give you at least that, then she really isn’t being that great of a friend, and it’s a very selfish way to end things. I just usually end up chalking it up to another lesson in being able to let go gracefully without any real closure, which is a good skill to have in life.

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 2 weeks ago by  Valora.
    #302003

    Maddie
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Dear Anita :</p>
    So you think she was using me as a replacement of him? ?  and not actually feeling something for me as a person?

    I agree that she got confused but why think of me as masculine when im a girl too. And i am protective of all my loved ones. All my friends feel safe with me cause im fierecly protective of my people.

    And i gave her surpise before her bday. On her bday she had went with him to his hometown and they had a nice long walk in his village. She even sent me pics of the sceneries they visited.

    Well i definately dont want to come between her and her husband. Tbh im finding it bit hard to let go as i too was emotionally involved in this friendship. I was and i still am very much excited for baby and i really wanted to spoil that kid and be the kick ass aunt.

    With time i will definately move on and now i wont be seeing her until Dec when she comes back to work post maternity.

    Did i got plain used by her?

    #302005

    Maddie
    Participant

    Dear Valora :

    Agreed. This all started in Jan and till today im looking for answers. I dont like ambiguity. And tbh this is the first ever case in my life where i have to deal with so much confusion/silence. Usually people know that i like straight to the point talks and they normally do give me so it becomes easy for me. With this girl, it took me months to understand what I did wrong. i used to cry thinking maybe im a bad person, maybe i dont deserve her and all. I used to curse myself for hurting her. I used to beg her to talk to me. But after a point I stopped. When she blocked my new acc i was like WTF lady? Now im trying to move on and like are you trying to get my attention back by blocking me? I was so pissed that day. I was about to go to her home and demand answers but thankfully my other friend talked me out of it

    Im finding it really hard to find closure without answers. I just keep thinking maybe i did something wrong or may be its just pregnacy phase or maybe he got involved etc etc..

     

    Sorry but this is too messed up. And this all is hurting me too much cause i dont think i was so bad to her to deserve all this.

    #302009

    Maddie
    Participant

    Also what doesnt make sense is why she blocked me in parts? I mean if im blocking someone i would do everywhere in one go and i’d start with whatsapp as thats more personal. This girl took breaks in blocking me. FB in march and then instagram in May (after 2 months of blocking me on FB) and then on whatsapp – after 2 hours of blocking me on instagram. Then again after 2-3 weeks my new acc of FB blocked. Then after 1.5 weeks my new acc of instagram.

    Whats with the break she takes in blocking? Why not block me everywhere in one go? Is she like trying to fight herself and trying to prove to herself that she doesnt like me more than she should?

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