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Losing best friend who is pregnant

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This topic contains 60 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  anita 1 day, 1 hour ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 61 total)
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  • #302011

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Maddie:

    I didn’t think she used you when I posted to you last, I don’t think she had an evil plan to use you, not at all. I suppose she doesn’t have a same sex romantic/ sexual experience and was confused about whether you were a female friend or .. a man who is courting her, this is why she suggested that her baby calls you father (male), and not mother or aunt (female).

    I will be away from the computer for a while and may not be back until tomorrow, about 18 hours from now.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 4 days ago by  anita.
    #302013

    Valora
    Participant

    I think the biggest thing to learn from this is that you don’t NEED closure to move on. It definitely makes it easier to move on, but you don’t actually need it because we are all capable of moving on without it, no matter what our minds try to tell us. So maybe that’s what all of this is trying to teach you… The ability to move on and let go of something without closure, because you won’t always be able to get it. Once you’re able to do that, you won’t feel so hurt, but it’s just going to take some time.

    There are actually a lot of blogs out there on this topic of moving on without closure and why we don’t need it, and I’ve found reading those very helpful, so they may help you too.

    #302017

    Maddie
    Participant

    Dear Anita :

    Sure no problem. Im not sure how her relations are/were or have been with other females in her life. She once told me Im the only girl she has ever hugged. Again i was surprised cz i have hugged my mom, sisters female best friends too..I had even hugged my school teacher when i met her once in a market. That made me think that maybe no one has shown her pyshical affection. Maybe thats cause she is from a very conservative family. Confused or not, that doesnt give her a right to play with my emotions. At the very least she owes me explanation. And now that i think of it, i guess you are right about her being sexually interested cz once during out “Late night talks(yupp,she used to chat with me till 4 am 5 am while he was sleeping next to her), we were talking about our picnic which we had planned for just me and her and she told me she’d dance with me on our fav song, kiss me and then let me do whatever i want to do to her. I said im ok with dancing but i dont have any complusion of doing anything more..She asked what if i want to do. I said then we will talk cz i dont want to do something in heat of the moment and then regret it later on. She got upset thinking i dont want to do “It” with her..She then told me i give u full permission to flirt and be romantic with me unless it spoils our relation.

    Tbh i had even forgotten about all this but now when you mentioned sexual interest, i remembered this.

    Thats why i asked that did she just use to get what she was craving that time? Or did she really wanted to go all the way with me?

    #302019

    Maddie
    Participant

    Dear Valora :

     

    Sure i will definately read those blogs. Moving on with getting proper closure is sometimes hard for me. Thank You for suggesting those to me 🙂

    #302057

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Maddie,

    She blocked you because she thinks you are obsessed with her. Let’s be honest, you’ve been writing about her a lot, trying to process your emotions (which is OK). BUT we don’t have to actually talk about what we’re thinking for other people to pick up “what’s in the air”.

    Dollars to donuts, when your friend got pregnant, I think that’s when things got REAL for her. And it’s not the husband. It’s her decision.

    Now, as a mother myself, when I had a baby, some of my friends got neglected OR the friendship changed its format. Even now, I will only see my friends socially at most a few times a year. It sounds sad, but that’s actually the reality for most families. Raising children is like being involved in the school play: It’s all consuming.

    When your friend was on bedrest and even now, when she blocked you, she’s sending you a message. That message is: “I know you are obsessed with me, but I need to take care of myself. I can’t take care of your emotions. I am at capacity.” Your help would be a burden. Trust her on this one.

    She also doesn’t want added life complications with a newborn. Life is hard enough.

    Be utterly graceful about this. When (IF!) she returns to work, IGNORE HER. Don’t make eye contact. Be civil ONLY if she interacts with you herself. And if he unblocks you or calls/texts/wants to get together: Tell her you are taking a break. Then revisit a year later.

    Best,

    Inky

    #302061

    Maddie
    Participant

    Hi Inky

    Tbh im not obssesed with her and i understand her need to space. All im saying is decent conversation would have been ok. Im not imposing myself on her. On the contrary i have been very accomodating of her behaviour giving her space. Since i havent seen such scenario before in my life,i couldnt understand whats going on. Thats all..!!

    ?

    #302063

    Maddie
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>And just to add, she keeps blocking my new accs. Last contact i had with her was on 17th May. After that i left her completely alone. What baffled me was why block my acc when im moving on and creating a new acc and NOT reaching out to you. When that happened, it confused me more. Cause i will block someone in one go. I wont bother blocking that person again and again if that person is NOT disturbing me at all</p>
    After yesterday’s convo with Anita and Valora, my confusion got cleared and i got some answers 🙂

    #302069

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Maddie:

    I think that the reason she blocked  your new account even though you didn’t try to reach her using the new account is that once she noticed that you have a new account, she started worrying that you will reach out to her. To calm her worry, she blocked you.

    You wrote to me: “she is from a very conservative family. Confused or not, that doesn’t give her a right to play with my emotions”- I don’t think she intended to play with your emotions, that it was her motivation to do so. I think that she got scared, or freaked out from the escalating sexuality in the relationship with her, feeling shame over it, and she reacted swiftly by blocking you, so to put her shame and distress to rest the fastest and most complete way that was possible for her.

    anita

    #302087

    Maddie
    Participant

    Dear Anita :

    Hmmm..That make sense now. Thinking about all this, im saying to myself what mess did i get myself into??..Lol..

    Although now her behaviour makes sense but i would have prefered a much honest conversation. If she would have sat me down and talked to me, i would have made her understand that im not gonna ask her for anything other than friendship.

    Anyways now that she is close to deliver, im guessing she would be focusing completely about baby and might not even be thinking about me. So i guess it time that i let old memories go, and focus on my life too. Anyways i have a lot going on for me professionally, so im gonna focus on it and on my own betterment. Im gonna try and continue towards moving on. I know it is gonna take me some time and i will allow myself time to heal.

    #302089

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Maddie:

    Do allow yourself time to heal. Sure, it would be better if people conduct mature, honest conversations but people… get scared and uncomfortable and just can’t muster the courage or the ability to talk calmly.

    I suppose the time to talk was much earlier- the two of you missed such opportunities while flirting at times, fighting at other times.

    In the future, in any future close relationship, better talk early about problems that come about,  before problems and distress escalate and become too uncomfortable for any one of the people in the relationship to talk about and resolve.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 3 days ago by  anita.
    #302123

    Maddie
    Participant

    Dear Anita :

    True. I guess I never thought things will be like this. Although i did try to talk about issues but whenever i tried she ignored and then we would have another fight.

    if i had known things would be like this, i would have made things very clear very early.

    But as they say its never late to learn 🙂

    #302135

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Maddie:

    I like your attitude, “never late to learn”, and lesson learned: “I would have made things very clear very early”. There is calm in clarity, distress in confusion, so clear is better!

    I hope to read from you again, if not on this thread (that is, if the issue is resolved for you), then on another thread, another topic.

    anita

    #302141

    Maddie
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Dear Anita :</p>
    Sure. I would also like to keep in touch with you as well. Thank You for the support and clarity you gave me 🙂 Much appriciated.

    For now im letting this friendship/relationship go as holding on will hurt me more. When and If she comes back to me, i will keep a safe distance so as not to give her more confusion and to protect my own self from getting hurt.

    I just wish grown ups like us werent making things complicated so much.

    Hope you have a good rest of the day/night depending on which country you are in 🙂

     

     

    #302147

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Maddie:

    You are welcome. I live in the US. “I just wish grown ups like us weren’t making things complicated so much”- good  point. Let us not then, let us not make things complicated, not if it is possible to keep things simple, honest and simple.

    anita

    #302149

    Maddie
    Participant

    Dear Anita :

    Wow..I live in India. How strange and nice that some real life situations can connect people so far away. 🙂

    Yup. Im a strong advisor of keeping things and life simple. Thats why i like keeping straight forward conversations. Although sometimes my straight forwardness offend people a lot.

    And not to be an asshole right now, but im do sending good wishes and prayers to my friend. As i know its her final month and i can understand it can be really hard. So im praying for her safe delivery and for mom and baby to healthy after delivery. I wouldnt wish other wise on any woman, friend or not 🙂

     

    Hope you have a good holiday weekend

Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 61 total)

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