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Love and improper timing. What to do?

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This topic contains 7 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  anita 3 days, 20 hours ago.

Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
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  • #202251

    Kathleen
    Participant

    Hello everyone, thank you for reading this if you are,

    I am an old soul. Someone who does not desire short, unfulfilling relationships, or flings, or anything normal college-aged students desire. I believe I have everything I need inside myself in order to be happy. I don't desire marriage in the future, and I believe that friends are just as powerful as lovers. I have support from my sisters, enriching platonic relationships, and am doing work that I am passionate about. I am 19. I attend college, and do not dorm. I live at home but work full time and attend classes full time, pay for everything myself, etc. I have all of the responsibilities of an adult considering my parents do not speak with me/provide for me anymore, after coming out to them as bisexual.

    If it wasn't clear before, I really don't even want a relationship/believe I need one, and think it will just interrupt my busy schedule!! However, life loves to smack us in the face whenever we feel we have gotten things together…. and amidst my work as a volunteer for a nonprofit (something I commit most of my non-work time to), I have been introduced to someone who has shaken me. Most of my time has been spent with this person, and I have never met anyone whom I have clicked with so much. I know I have everything that I need in life, I love myself and have confidence, etc. so my conscience keeps saying “you don't need a relationship!!”. Which is true. But I've never fallen in love before, so I'm confused. I feel like I can't get this person out of my head, I want to share everything with them, I can't wait until the next time I get to see them, IT'S AWFUL!!  We bond over shared interests in gardening, and even both want to have a sustainable farm someday. I mean it's almost like we are emotional twins, it's so strange! And they have reciprocated my feelings, I think… I am pretty good at judging when somebody takes romantic interest in me so I  guess you'll just have to trust me.

    So I guess, if you are still reading, my first question is do you believe this could be love I'm experiencing?! Or am I just excited to have someone with common interests. Also…. she is ten years my senior. TEN YEARS!!! I just learned this a few days ago and it's safe to say I am even more shaken then before!!! IS THIS WRONG?? I know I shouldn't be feeling this way and that there is no reason to but I just can't help it!!! CAN SOMEONE PLEASE GIVE ME GUIDANCE!!!!!??? PLEASE!!! Thank you.

    #202277

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kathleen:

    Reads to me that you are very excited about this woman, hence the capital letters. Excited, elated, reads to me that you are experiencing that euphoric in love feelings.

    You don't want a relationship because you don't want to interrupt your busy schedule, you wrote. And you are busy and doing so well, from your share, studying, working, paying your own bills, all at 19, and, if all this wasn't impressive enough, you also volunteer!

    “What to do?” is the question in the title of your thread.

    My answer: because you desire a long, fulfilling relationship, if at all, find out what she desires, what she want and is there a fit. Then had a series of honest, thorough, straightforward conversations with her, keeping euphoria in check, so to come up with a Relationship Plan that will work for you (not against you). Then proceed with caution, evaluating and re-evaluating the plan along the way.

    anita

     

    #202349

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Kathleen,

    Your parents don't talk to you, you are a student, you work full time to support yourself and you volunteer (add gardening on top of that??). It's like you're feeling guilty for wanting to have a relationship because you keep writing that you are happy within yourself. You are so busy, it's like you're doing penance for having to support yourself, if that makes sense.

    I say simplify your life, if possible.

    No, it is not wrong to fall for someone ten years your senior. I did at nineteen. It didn't work out because the guy felt more weird about it than I did at the time. (Ten years later he married someone my age who looked eerily like me, so that's how he finally worked THAT out! LOL).

    You are bisexual. Your parents couldn't deal with it. Now you find a person you like. I think you are way overthinking it because subconsciously you don't want to disappoint your disappointing parents (again)!

    I say “Go for it!” It may not work out, but at least you tried.

    Inky

    #202365

    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Kathleen,

    It's not awful at all! It's wondeful!! Enjoy it! The butterflies, the giddyness, the excitement, the company and shared interests. Just take it one day at a time. Don't worry about it being all about “love” right now, as that is putting too much pressure on yourself. Just enjoy today. Not many people get to experience these feelings, so you are very fortunate. Humans are social creatures by nature, we all desire love and to be loved. It's an amazing feeling. You described it as “awful” why? Something so beautiful and natural. I say enjoy it! Enjoy this person! Life is short. Don't overanalyze about it, the future, just enjoy and relax, and let things take it's course. Yes, independence is nice..but it's even nicer to share your life with that special someone..x

    #202415

    Kathleen
    Participant

    Eliana, Inky, and Anita

    Thank you so much for your advice. I appreciate your kind words more than you realize, it is great to feel supported. I hope I am able to make the right decisions moving forward, or learn from my mistakes if I do not. Wish me luck!

    #202435

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kathleen:

    You are welcome.

    My curiosity, and please answer only if you feel comfortable answering: you wrote that you came out to your parents as bisexual. Why?

    I mean, being bisexual means you may have a relationship with a man in the future, so you didn't need to let them know that you will not be dating men in the future. Did you want to let them know that you may be dating women in the future?

    anita

     

    #202453

    Kathleen
    Participant

    Anita,

    I came out to them as bisexual while still in high school because as a Junior I briefly dated a female. At that point I thought mvfamily would be accepting and did not expect the reaction they had, so I would not have told them if I knew it would be this drastic!

    #202763

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kathleen:

    Somehow I missed your post of two days ago, didn't know you posted until this morning. I read your comments on other members' threads- very intelligent, insightful, kind- and re-read your post here: what an unusual, rare 19 year old you are!

    How rare it must be, a 19 year old working full time and attending classes full time and volunteering for a non profit most of her non working time.

    It is unbelievable to me that your parents do not speak to you while you are living with them. How can they not be proud of you, I wonder.

    You didn't expect their reaction to you telling them that you are bisexual- is it because they were not critical of you in the past, but were accepting of you, so you thought they will accept this as well?

    anita

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