Hi msfuturedoctor! I don’t think you need to give up your love relationship with a wonderful man that you say you love dearly. It definitely brings quality and good things in your life! You feel you need to discover yourself and wonder if you can do that by being on your own. You could, but because you already have a significant other in your life my advice to you would be to find a way to balance the two things. They do not have to be separated … I mean you can still find yourself and care for your relationship. You must discuss this with your partner and maybe decide to take things slow for a while so you can sort out your feelings. I am sure he will understand your problem because you say he is supportive. You could also go to a therapist to help you figure out your deepest feelings and balance your personal growth with your love relationship.

Hope this helps!

Hi.

The most interesting part of what you have shared here for me is this – Must I be on my own and discover who I am in this “new normal” life of mine?

Why do you think personal growth and discovery will be impossible or harder if you stay with your boyfriend?  A good relationship, which is what you say yours is, supports each other in their individual growth, wherever it may lead. Do you think he will not support you in wanting to change? Why prejudge the outcome before trying?

Is it not also just as possible that it’s only because of the strength of this relationship that you feel safe enough to start to explore the deep buried hurt of losing your father.  You may also be unconsciously pushing your boyfriend away so as not to have to go through the pain of losing someone else you love unexpectedly.

The simple answer being, no – you do not have to go through this on your own. If you want to leave your boyfriend because you are feeling stifled or don’t see it going anywhere now that you are long-distance, that’s another thing and your choice entirely but don’t mix the two up. If you feel you don’t know who you are now, absolutely work on that – but it is both possible and actually usually easier to grow individually when in a truly supportive relationship.

So the real question here is why you feel the relationship would hinder your progress if it is as positive as you say it is?

Dear misfuturedoctor:

I think that the reason you have a desire to break up with your boyfriend is not because of your pain about your father dying more than four years ago, be it as painful as it was and is for you, but because you don’t trust your boyfriend. May this year you wrote: “I have found it hard for me to trust him.. I get jealous and mistrusting very easily… he makes me so happy when I am not doubting him”.

You wrote then (and here) that your boyfriend is trustworthy: “he honestly and truly has never given me a reason to mistrust him, he is extremely loyal… I feel like it is my own past that is causing these doubts, and I should work within”-

Your boyfriend didn’t betray your trust, but someone did, someone in your family. Better work within, in the context of quality psychotherapy, to look into and process the hurt and fear in this betrayal  that you  did experience, so that you will stop doubting a man who has been “extremely loyal” to you throughout the time you know him.

When you start your therapy, soon, I hope, you can discuss with your therapist if it is better that you pause the relationship for the duration of therapy, or part of therapy.

anita