January 7, 2019 at 9:31 am #272827
dear Mark ,
thank you for your comment.
the problem is i am coming from a family or society where having relationship is okey but having romantic ,and sexual contact are Sin.by the way i am a Muslim may be u get a better idea of my situation .my family is open minded but not in that way that i say them that i was having a living relationship .i told him that if he stresssed me more i will go to police .then he replied he already email his lawyer about the situation ..January 7, 2019 at 9:54 am #272837
He has this power over you by threatening to out you with your family. As I suggested, you can short circuit his threat by just being totally honest with your family and let the chips fall where they may. Is that worse than having him always having over you? Having power over you? With you being stressed and scared on what could be?
MarkJanuary 7, 2019 at 10:35 am #272851
thank you Mark ,
i am trying to contact my family.January 7, 2019 at 10:54 am #272855
In a previous thread, August of last year, you wrote that you were in many relationships before. You listed the problems you had with three men: “Ex A: very possessive about me and interfering in everything .. disturbing my privacy.. emotionally abusive (used to threat me that he will kill himself etc), lying to me about things… fooling me and making stories… too much drama. EX 2: too much possessive… lying and checking my texts or mobile everyday, checking fb, and replying to my male friends from my side… EX3: ..possessive, insecure, snooping mobile checking my msgs. TOO much much drama, trust issues”
You are only 22 or 23. There is something wrong here, three out of three same kind of men, all doing the same behaviors?
anitaJanuary 7, 2019 at 11:10 pm #272959
dear Anita ,
yes i m 23 yrs old as i mentioned above about my ex (with whom i fall out of love with these behaviour) and thats right they had all these behaviors .
i dated another one he was my first love and he dint have any such thing but he broke up with me and after some years we startd to date again and he goshted me.
what is wrong in it Anita ?(as u wrote in ur post
You are only 22 or 23. There is something wrong here, three out of three same kind of men, all doing the same behaviors?)
before somemonths i wrote in my previous post that may be there is something wrong in me because my relationship dont last or etc?January 8, 2019 at 6:51 am #272979
I will start with a summary of what you shared in your threads and then answer your question above. First the summary:
You live in Europe, 23 year old Muslim woman, a student who is allowed to work part time. You live in a Muslim society where “having relationship is okay but having romantic, and sexual contact are Sin”. And yet, within this conservative society following a 2.5 month relationship with one boyfriend, you started dating and moved in with a new man. Only two months after the ending of a two months and a half relationship (Feb -April 2018). This new man, your live in boyfriend, is a refuge, a man whose family you know (“I know his family and also we are family friends”), from June 2018 till now.
In August last year, 2.5 months into this current live-in relationship, you wrote that you “are having very good relationship”, but that recently he went through your emails, read and forwarded to his own email old communication you had with that boyfriend. Two months later, Oct 2018, you wrote that sitting in a restaurant with your boyfriend, he accused you that you “were giving Signal to another man” a middle aged man. Following that, he told you that he is leaving the apartment you share with him and that he wants you to “return my every single thing which I gave you”. You then “handed over my shoes, pullover notebook, every single thing… eggs, juices, glasses, boxes salt sugar, biscuits”, and he took those things “and threw outside of the window or in Dustbin”. You were not working for a while at the time and he told you that “all I ever give this relationship was my Vagina”.
That happened Oct 2018, five months into the relationship. And yet January this year, you wrote: “we had 7 months relationship we never had problems”, that Oct drama happened in the fifth month.
He has been demanding money from you, “including the cost of the Mac laptop which he bought for me”. You wrote that you don’t owe him money because during the time you lived with him, you were “with him 24/7 spending time massaging his feet.. giving him Services.. taking care of him, bathing him.. nursing him” and that you therefore earned the money he wants you to return to him.
It puzzles me: you wrote that you stopped working part time while living with him because you wanted to spend more time studying, being a student. And yet, you wrote that you were with him “24/7… taking care of him”- what about your studies, I wonder.
Next he told you: “now u will also ask the fee of having sex with him of last 7 months”- seven months is the duration of the live-in relationship so far, June 2018- Jan 2019. Next “he start to call me prostitute and said me that he’ll bring me customers for S*x”. And he proceeded to threaten you that he will send your family “my pics with him”, “and publish all in my city”. He told you that he will you because you are now his enemy (“he’ll destroy me because now I’m his enemy he said”).
Being a refuge, he is not a legal resident in Europe, but still “he created his very good reputation in this country and among our society”.
Now my answer and questions regarding what I think is or may be wrong:
1. If this man, your live in boyfriend has a “very good reputation in this country and among our society”, and you have spent 24/7 time with him bathing him, nursing him, it leads me to think that he is an older man. Is he? And if he is a young man, what kind of “good reputation” does he have in the Muslim, conservative society where you live? And why were you nursing him, was he sick?
And being a refuge, how can he have a good reputation in the country?
2. You live in a Muslim society, part of which is your family: where are your parents? Do they know and if they know, do they support you living with a man, unmarried, almost immediately upon dating him? If they don’t know, does that mean they never visit you?
3. You became sexually involved with a man and had him move in with you, way too soon, almost immediately upon starting to date him. That is a bad idea.
3. The drama in this last relationship is mutual. You contributed to it too. Why did you hand him the “eggs, juices, glasses, boxes salt sugar, biscuits” when you saw that he was throwing those items out the window?
Let’s say you handed him eggs and saw him throwing them out the window, why did you hand him the juices next, and then the salt and sugar, and then the biscuits?
4. After the drama in #3, you later wrote that the relationship “never had problems”. That drama above, his accusations that you are a prostitute was not a problem?
5. What about your studies and what are your plans for the future?
January 8, 2019 at 9:15 am #273079
- This reply was modified 2 weeks ago by anita.
your post just made my heartbeat got faster started to think a greater picture of everything .
i ll start answering every thing u asked .
“That happened Oct 2018, five months into the relationship. And yet January this year, you wrote: “we had 7 months relationship we never had problems”, that Oct drama happened in the fifth month.”
as u asked ,”.It puzzles me: you wrote that you stopped working part time while living with him because you wanted to spend more time studying, being a student. And yet, you wrote that you were with him “24/7… taking care of him”- what about your studies, I wonder.”
i had long uni hours and after coming from uni i used to study whole day at room or sometime went to library .but all day long my books were opened .onething more i want to add here that our schedule were always different i used to sleep all night and early morning i had uni and than started studying etc but he used to awake all night playing games and watching movies etc and when i used to come back home he was sometime sleeping .and i used to study .. during these time we were not spending much time togather but of course the time he needed me to shower or bath or massage him or anything else i was availible and sometime wasnt availible as i was studying or in library.
1) he is 10 years older than me.and i live here without my family or anyone else . no one knew about our relationship among my cast people because none of them lives in my city where we were living .
and he is also alone in this country without any family member.
this person is a”political”(asylum seeker) refuge and has a good reputation among our society people in europe or in this country .in this whole country there are about 60 people of our society(i am saying society ,here i mean to say people we speak same language and culture may be its better to say “People of my Cast”) he made good reputation because he helps other or is well known in our home country and he has good reputation because he is the leader of a organization ,in which all other 60 people involve.
yes his shoulder bone was slipped from its place once in early july.i had to call ambulance and he got operated .that time i was all the time in hospital after 8-12 hours we came home .he couldnt function .i had to do nursing ,cooking bathing etc. after somedays his hands got burned whlile he was making breakfast and i was at work.
after just few days he started to feel pain in his feets everytime and he used to say he is gonna die or he had heart problem because he was experiencing pain in chest .those time i was too tens because he wasnt so serious to go to doctor either .he went to doctor 2-3 times .he never cared for himself .
2) no my parents arent here as i told u ,they are in my homeland and i came here to study alone .no they dont know .but just yesterday i told my sister about these all situation because he was blackmailing me .now my two sisters know about him.
3) yes anita i got sexually involves too soon after dating him one and half months .actually we started dating in end of may and in mid of june i went to visit my family in my homeland and i came back in july.after one month long distance realationship a nd all day long textig in my homeland.
ya in last fight i handed over everything because he asked me to .i gave him shoes and jacket ,he threw shoes outside of window and jacket in dustbin which wasnt expected,and he took egg and everything and started throwing in dustbin .and remaining thing he took a plastic bag and took everything and kept in that ..
why i handed over other things because he was asking me to .he took glasses and left those outaside because he bought them .he said me give him every single thing in which he invested any money …and i handed over things because i wanted to show him i dont need his things .
4) of course whatever u mentioned above all are problems.
as i wrote here :
“.he was taunting me that “why i dint have any trust issue while having his facilities or favours ,doing shopping, taking money fom him than how suddenly i have problem with him
? he is right we had 7 months relationship we never had problem but when i saw his chats and caught him in betraying or lying i have now trust issue .i cant trust him and i dont want to because he never take responsibility ”
here i meantthat we had no problem actually i meant to say trust issue.
5) about my study:
i have given exams and waiting for result.and will apply study in medicine field but i m having alot of interest in technology .may be i will change my becholar field .January 8, 2019 at 9:49 am #273105
Let’s see if I understand better: this man is 10 years older than you, about 33. He is a political refugee/ an asylum seeker. He belongs to a group of sixty people of a society or a cast, speaking the same language, and within this group he helped others and built a good reputation.
For a while, living with you, he “used to be awake all night playing computer games and watching movies etc” and sleep during the day. Early July of last year he dislocated his shoulder bone and you helped him shower/bathe and nursed him when you were home (not 24/7, as you wrote). He also burnt his hands and hurt his feet and has been worried about his heart.
Your parents live in your home country and are not aware of your relationships with this man. You live in Europe alone, away from all your family members.
(I am still not clear about the first seven months of the relationship being problem free (“never had problems”), but I will let this be.
My input at this point: this man is a crude, rude man. And you have been too young and too inexperienced, alone in a country, without guidance or protection. His obscene language and threats, referring to you as if you were a prostitute is a disgusting behavior on his part, completely unacceptable and unforgivable.
You traveled to Europe to study, so to have a better life for yourself. You intend to “study in medicine field”. You have “a lot of interest in technology”. You did not travel to Europe for the pleasure of taking care of a man who refers to you as a prostitute and suggests to bring men into your place and charge them for having sex with you. Did you?
anitaJanuary 8, 2019 at 11:35 am #273175
dear Anita ,
last 7 months of relationship were nt problem free and he betrayed my trust ,told lie,disrespected me ,threatened or blackmailed me( when i try to break up )but he is so good at manipulating and convincing as if it is okey to be disrespecting me,shouting in public,getting angry when i dont want any sexual thing ,or sexually abusing me ..
he used to do some sexually cruel things like putting finger in my Anus ,grabbing my breast too hard or slapping my butt all the time when i wanted to sit his finger was already there to put inside of my Anus hole .i used to scream because of such acts because of the pain and the pajama or jeans i am wearing .i used to tell him stop doing but he used to say no it doesnt hurt.he knows because he was with other women .he has experience .i must have any problem if i dont like this or scream during this kind of love …and during this time i had started self doubt . how can somebody dont understand if i am hurting .i felt like i was being abused.if i stopped him or screamed little loud he would get angry and used to say me that i make him think that he is torturing me .
and thats right he was torturing me and i told him in clear words because that was truth.that it isnt love but a torture .
he was too good at justifying things that i ended up apologizing for his every drama.
and i couldnt stay angry with him because of his logical and 10 years experienced justification and explaination.
and as u asked me that am i here in europe to please such man who refers to call me prostitute than my Answer is NO .
I DONT WANT THIS MAN in my life i am trying everything in my power to get him out of my life .
he was threatening me about my family so i told my sister ,he was blackmailing me about telling people here and publishing my conversation i already took my mutual friend help .about whom i discussed above .he blackmailed me when i said him that i will involve police if u dont stop doing such actions ( he contacted my family and started harrasing my sister and telling her that he ll destroy me and he has proof against me etc .) he told me he already emailed his lawyer to file a case against me about his money.so i texted him today and asked is your lawyer name XYZ??. he was shocked and asked me if i am gonna file a case so i said no i just wanted to email her and explain all the situation. he was too scared seriously .than he told me that he was joking when he told me that he wrote an emal to his lawyer…(which i knew it because he a great lier ) during this conversation he was threatening me again by saying if u email lawyer i ll be ur enemy .dont let me destroy you etc .but the matter of fact is he is very scared from inside but wont stop manipulating and threating me …January 8, 2019 at 11:42 am #273179
I am not clear: are you currently living with him?
anitaJanuary 8, 2019 at 11:58 am #273189
no i am not living with him but he wont stop texting .i blocked him than he contacted my familyJanuary 8, 2019 at 12:13 pm #273197
I am so glad that he is not living with you!
And I am sorry you experienced his abuses of you, what a shame! Definitely not a treatment of a Princess, is it.
You wrote: “I am trying everything in my power to get him out of my life”- good. But use other people’s power as well. If your power doesn’t keep him away from you, use other people’s power. Don’t threaten him with the police, let’s say. Instead approach the police if he doesn’t leave you alone. There is such a legal thing in the US called “a restraining order”. It is an order by the courts directing one person to make no contact with another and to stay a certain physical distance from the person’s home and place of work. If the person disregards the order, you call the police and he gets arrested.
It is important that you don’t negotiate with him, that you don’t give him double messages. Be consistent and do not waver.
Do not allow him or any other man mistreat you again.
anitaJanuary 10, 2019 at 10:19 pm #273771
i wasnt able to write from last two days because of job and too much Drama.as u said if possible use others power so i used it .
meanwhile he contacted my ex and started to ask about me and him and sent him the conversation( me and my ex conversation which was saved in my emails he has already without my permission saved in his own laptop along with my contact list ) and asking him if i had sex with him etc…and then my ex which is in one of our whatsapp group he shared whole conversation in Whatsapp Group not caring my privacy …my all group member (friends) found that very disrespectful while i was sleeping .
so my sociopath bf asking his money of laptop and the ticket he bought for me.it costs 1600 euro along with some house things (vacum cleaner etc) .and after his all these drama i accepted that i ll send his laptop and money ..
but really do i own him ??
he just made me feel so disrespected,calling me prostitute etc,contacting my family ,threaening and blackmailing me….
by the way he was staying with me 7 months and i was the one who was paying rent ..being his wife without marraige,pleasing him ,caring him ..do i really own him money?
because i dont have money i already in debt in this month ..
whats ur suggestion or opinion ..??January 11, 2019 at 5:07 am #273795
The leverage you have over him is that you can threaten to report him to the immigration authorities or police if he does not stop harassing you. Then make sure you follow through if he does not.January 11, 2019 at 5:29 am #273801
Seems to me that he owes you money as compensation for “calling me prostitute etc, contacting my family, threatening and blackmailing me”, for accessing your email without your permission and sharing those with another person, for damaging your reputation and your mental health. Plus he owes you his part of the rent for seven months.
I’d say (I am not a lawyer) he owes you 100,000 euros. Of course I am not a lawyer, not here and not where you live, I am just guessing at a number considering he doesn’t have that much money (otherwise I would guess at a higher amount).
You wrote: “as u said if possible use others power so I used it”- what power did you use?
Why not contact the immigration authorities? And the police? And go to court and seek financial compensation from him?