January 12, 2019 at 8:14 am #273977
dear Anita and Mark,
i am not going to immigration authorities or police because i am scared of him .i think if i take such step he ll ruin my life if not in europe than in my home country by sharing our pics or coverstaion etc. which he wont i know but i dont know i m too scared of this man.
i am not going to immigration authorities or poilice because he acts hot and cold to me and i get confuse.lets say if he is threatening me or etc now and i decided to go police than after 7-8 hours he become a bit nicer or too nice ..as i still have a soft corner in my heart for him i become emotional too and i miss him but i wont show to him that i want anything with him anymore .
even when he acts nice to me but he never accept his wrong doings .he pass his every blame either on me ,or he got angry thus he did or he was criticising or someone else or i misunderstood ,or any other excuse ..and his this behaviour turns my feelings for him off which make me think he will never change because he is blind to see his faults ..and i will never be able to help him see if he wants to be blind that way and its none of my business (i know it sounds rude but i have to save myself first .he is 10 yrs older than me )i dont want to waste all my life correcting a person who has no idea about the basic values of life .
he accessed my emails (my and ex conversation ) and his number .he used those all things and texted my ex (i described whole story in my previews post) and when i confronted him he passed the blame or started to manipulate me by saying that why did i saved those email if i never wanted him to see or when i had nothing to do with those conversation . and when i asked why did u contacted ex?? his reply was he wanted to know why did i leave him and he feels after reading our conversation (my and my ex) that i had same behaviour with him that i used to suddenly fight and wanted to breakup .
yes those emails were in my mailbox and i have more than 6000 unread emails because i dont check email or dont have time to delete things .and if suppose i have time but still that was my private life messages and none should dare to access or read them without my permission .
calling me prostitut was a criticising according to him .
and yesterday i was sleeping whole day as i work whole night .so i dint come online in whatsapp and my last seen is also off.so he was tracking my last seen history from a tracking app .
who does that ??he is tracking my online history?? i dont know what else will he be doing behind .who knows may be he is planning to kill me or tracking my location or accessing my internet or phone history .
i dont knw what should i expect from this men ..January 12, 2019 at 8:28 am #273979
Good luck then.January 12, 2019 at 8:48 am #273987
You wrote that you are afraid/ scared of him, afraid that he will hurt you more, like he threatened that he will. But you “have a soft corner in my heart for him”- for the man who hurt you already and threatens to hurt you more.
You are confused because when he is not mean to you, calling you a prostitute and threatens you with harm, he “acts nicer or too nice”.
Do you watch or did you watch cartoons where an evil character is always bad and never nice? There are such cartoons, even movies. But in real life people are not always bad or always good. Every bad person is sometimes nice to somebody.
You are also confused because “he never accepts his wrong doings”- no one will be in prison if the only way to find a person guilty is if they accept their wrong doings. People often deny wrongdoings and crimes. It doesn’t mean that they are not guilty.
You are confused because he gets angry and blames you, so you wonder maybe you are guilty. Lots of people have strong control over others by blaming them, shaking off their responsibility for their own actions and assigning that responsibility to others, often their own victims.
You wrote: “I don’t want to waste all my life correcting a person who has no idea about the basic values of life”- I say, correct your understanding of people and life, as I suggested above.
Also correct your own basic value of accepting abuse: it is not a good value to submit to abuse.
If you are too scared (and you have too soft of a heart for him) to go to the police and immigration, and you are afraid of him, “may be he is planning to kill me”, what are your plans then?
anitaMarch 21, 2019 at 8:45 am #285601
hallo everybody .
i Need some advise here …
i finally got rid of my bf who was emotionally ,verbally abusive .i went to Police Station for reporting against him because of his violent and Stalking .but he promised me that he wont do such Thing again thus i dint file a Report against him and blocked him and returned his all belongings .. i finally broke up with him on 28 th feb and now its almost 2 -3 weeks ,
meanwhile one of his friend contacted me because he used to like me ( i just met him 1-2) and later he came to know ´that i am his friend gf . so he dint approached me .but as my bf told him that we broke up and asked him to talk to me . he contacted me as a friend
as i was very sad after being blackmailed and abused , i started talk to him just before two weeks..he showed interest and i refused to have anything right away as i knew my breakup was fresh and he is my ex friend thus it wont be a good idea..
but as we talked on call he dint care if i was his friend ex gf and that we were in living relationship.. he just liked me and wanted to spend life with me .
so after a week of my breakup i accepted his proposal of having a relatonship but i was really nt connected with this Person.
then he wanted to meet me and wanted to stay night at my place so first i denied because i wasnt ready for this as i was coming from a horrible horrible breakup and a living relationship but after a Long consideration i agreed..
so he asked me that if i kiss him or hug him whwn he come to meet me ? …i became very uncomfortable as he started asking such Things and even i became sad because i dint really moved on from my last relationship .
he came before 2 days and he was very touchy .in bus he kept his head on my shoulder or trying to kiss me again and again when he reach at my place he again wanted to kiss me and hug me again and again and i wasnt comfortable at all ..two hours passed he said me ” what are you doing?” i askd him”what em i doing ?”( actually i wasnt letting him doing much romance and i was saying him i am not comfortable to do ,and i asked him to talk to me despite of touching me again and again.)i really wanted to talk to him and get comfortable and free first ..
he asked : what are you doing ? for what i came here ?? u should know what should we be doing now after 2 hours …
me: for what u came here ? (i was a bit angry and shocked) what should we be doing right now ,tell me ?? did u come here to have sex?? did u?
he: ya why not .. we are in relationship thn why shouldnt we …
me: how could u think that i called u for sex? i dont want to have rght now ..and i just cant …( it was our first Meeting and we were frm last one week in relationship)
he started insisting me and asked me than why did i have Sex with my ex (his friend )…
he continued to insist me and asking me for his sake just for once , just for once Sex …
i denied every single time and i said u cant force me to do something which i dont want ..
after sometime he took his jacket and said me that he is leaving and i can sleep ( as i was sleepless too and wanted to sleep ) ..
i was fine with that . then he asked me to come out side i went there he was showing a bit attitude as he was angry at me ..
at that Point i really wanted him to go and never contact me again but i couldnt ask him to get out …
then he came wd me at my place and said alright we wont have sex but apart from it we will do everything and i refused again …he was again unhappy .. from this time i started weeping because i started missing my ex alot … first time in last 3 weeks i started weeping and i kept weeping time to time infront of him..
well whole night went like this after 2 hours i slept …and really ,i was Abit attracted to him and at that Moment i completly lost interst in him …i dont like him now …
when i woke up i waned him to go.bt i spent some hours with this Person and said him goodbye at Train Station …. i was weeping alot whole day with him because i was missing my ex …those memories and Flashbacks were coming time to time ..
now i m just confsed this Person said me he really likes me and love me and planning to marry me but i feel like all he want from me is only Sex?? or am i in emotionally unstable right now ?? or am i only judging him ??
can someone give me a clearer Picture of this whole Situation because i cant really think straight that whats really going on .?
help me please i m really messed up ..
right now i m nt talking or replying this Person much as i m no more intersted after that night …March 21, 2019 at 10:23 am #285629
You asked: “now im just confused this Person said me he really likes me and love me and planning to marry me but I feel like all he want from me is only Sex?”
-Yes, this is all he wants from you. This is my answer for the following reasons:
1. He told you that he wants to marry you within one week only of talking with you. For a reasonable person (and you would want to marry a reasonable person!), it is too short of a time to form such an intent.
2. It is very easy for anyone and everyone to say anything they want to say, it takes a minute or so, doesn’t take effort, the words come out easily. Therefore, there is a difference between a person saying he wants to marry you and a person taking all the action to do so.
3. If he told you that he wants to marry you in front of people who matter to him, his parents, maybe, his family, that is one thing. But no one was present when he told you these things, only you. This means he can easily deny that he told you these things.
4. He wanted to have sex with you right away when he met you, got angry when you didn’t want to, and then pressured you to have sex with him anyway, didn’t matter to him that you were uncomfortable (“he again wanted to kiss me and hug me again and again and I wasn’t comfortable at all.. I was saying him I am not comfortable”).
He negotiated with you, suggesting to have sexual acts other than intercourse (“he.. said alright we won’t have sex but apart from it we will do everything”).
5. When you resisted him, “he continued to insist me and asking me for his sake just for once, just for once Sex”-
– did you notice that he said “just for once”? Meaning he wasn’t thinking about a marriage with you, a lifetime of sex. He wanted it just that one time.
6. He figured that his friend had sex with you, so he should too: “he started insisting me and asked me than why did I have Sex with my ex (his friend)”. He talked and acted as if your body belongs to him and to any man who wants it. His friend had the use of your body, why not him as well… at least “just for once”.
— I understand that you need the feeling of someone loving you, but what he offers you is not love. He wants to use your body for his pleasure, at least once. After the one time, maybe he will want more.
My advice therefore is that you have no contact whatsoever with your ex boyfriend and that you have no contact with your ex’s friend as well.
Also, do not engage in any kind of interaction with any man who does not want to hear what you have to say, and who doesn’t care how you feel.
Anytime you would like my advice regarding a man who you will meet in the future, please post and I will be glad to read and reply to you, sharing with you my thoughts about the man’s intents, and what his behavior means.
March 21, 2019 at 11:11 am #285663
- This reply was modified 2 days, 7 hours ago by anita.
dear Anita ,
thank you so much for your post..
i have something more to write here that as you mentioned here : “If he told you that he wants to marry you in front of people who matter to him, his parents, maybe, his family, that is one Thing.”
this Person is ready to tell his Cousins ( which are living here ) and Family about me . i m nt sure about Familie but he wants to tell everyone about us …
what should i understand here ? may be he will marry me so that he gets someone to have Sex …?
and from yesterday i just want to end things with him but i m scared that may be it wll hurt him …i dont knw how to end things now ..but i m sure he got IDEA that i am no more intersted in him ….March 21, 2019 at 11:26 am #285667
It is your right to not let a man use your body for his sexual needs. You are not hurting him for depriving him from using your body. Let’s say ten men are interested in having sex with you, should you have sex with all ten so that none of the ten men feels hurt, no one feels left out?
You wrote that he told you that he “is ready to tell his Cousins.. and Family about me”- how did that come about, did you ask him to tell his cousins or did he say it on his own initiative, and if he did say it on his own initiative, what did he say just before and after he mentioned telling his cousins/ family-
– and what did he say that he will tell them?
anitaMarch 21, 2019 at 12:26 pm #285691
Dear anita ,
i got a very nice picture of my situation and that person after thinking about the question u asked..
well at first he said he will tell his friends because he is living with them in one apartment and if he visits me for 2-3 days they will doubt thys its better to tell them .
It was the first day when i accepted his proposal he talked about staying with me . Then i asked him :Do you wanna Stay with me ?
Then he said whenever he comes to me .
His cousins ar (17-18) yrs old guys .
Then after 2-3 days i asked him what are your future plan about us . He said he ll find a house in my city and we will shift there . I asked u want to shift with me in same house without marrying ?
He said : whatever u want if u want to marry thn shift thn we will do like this .
Then i asked after sometime : when are you telling your family ?
First he said he ll come to me and talk face to face about it . I responded on this : Oh thats correct .u can talk about romance and kissing and hugging on call but not on this … ( i felt strange thus i replied in such a way)
thn he said whenever u say he ll tell his family .
and he has a relative who is almost 38-40 yrs old here . He said he ll tell him first etc .March 21, 2019 at 2:47 pm #285703
“after 2-3 days I asked him what are your future plans about us”-
1. You can’t get to know a man well enough in 2-3 days to make future plans with him.
2. You should not ask a man what are his future plans for you. You should be in charge of your future plans, plan it with a man you know well. You should not ask a stranger (a man you spent 2-3 days with) what he plans to do with your future!
3. You got to know him well enough to question his motives (“did u come here to have sex?? did u?…I feel like all he want from me is only Sex?… u can talk about romance and kissing and hugging on call but not on this..”), so really, you shouldn’t think about future plans with a man whose motives you question.
4. People say all kinds of things, you shouldn’t assume all that people say to be the truth. It is simply too easy to lie and lots of people lie. It is common for men to tell women all kinds of things so to have sex, for example: “I love you”, “I want to spend the rest of my life with you”, “I will find an apartment for us to stay in together”, “I will marry you”, “I will tell my uncle about us”, etc.
How much time does it take for a man to say any one of these sentences? How much money does it cost a man to say these things? Does it take any effort to say these words?-
– and yet, many women take these words in as if they were something so precious-
– these are only words.
* I will soon be away from the computer for about 14 hours. If you post before I return to the computer I will be glad to read and reply to you when I am back.
March 21, 2019 at 11:44 pm #285771
- This reply was modified 2 days, 2 hours ago by anita.
Dear Anita ,
thank you again for your post .
I asked him about future plan from him because i wasnt really sure what he wants . He was sAying that we will take a apartment and live togather but i dint hear anything about doing marraige. And i am saying this because he is very religious person .and for a person like him marraige should be first priority not sex or living togather .as i was in living relationship with his friend..i doubted at that point what he really wants . Does he only want to live with me for enjoyment or any intention of legally .
ya you are right Anita .i should nt ask a boy about our future plan but after my break up i became very choosy and doesn’t want to invest mz pure emotions on wrong guy so his intentions were in my mind like puzzle . And from first day i was thinking that he just want to use me . Asking him about our future plan was too know what he is really thinking without investing more time or energy with a wrong person .
Maybbe i have trust issues now or may be i just became more aware before dating or investing my emotions .March 22, 2019 at 5:52 am #285779
You are welcome. You wrote that “he is a very religious person and for a person like him marriage should be first priority not sex or living together”.
– he tried to have sex with you the moment he was alone with you for the first time – this means that he is okay with having sex not being married, and that his first priority (and maybe his only priority) with you was to have sex with you.
And so, now you know that a person who is very religious, or appears to be very religious, can have sex as their first (and only) priority.
Therefore, next time you meet a very religious man, you will not assume that he will want to marry you. He may want to have sex with you and not marry you.
— if you do want to get married and not have sex before marriage, and you meet a man you like who shows interest in you, meet him in public places only, not alone in your home or his home or a hotel, or any such place. Get to know him over time and post about it here, if you want.
March 23, 2019 at 7:07 am #285883
- This reply was modified 1 day, 11 hours ago by anita.
Dear Anita ,
yeah i will post here . If next time if i meet a guy.
I just call this person and told him that i dont want to continue the relationship with him .
Because of his that attitude that night and because i m not in that position to have a relationship as i m still recovering from the break up .
And he replied he is sorry for that night and said me sorry alot of time and then he dint force me . He said he wont force me to have a relationship if i dont want to .
And i was quite impressed that how smoothly i broke up and he accepted my decision of breaking up .
After hanging up the phone i m now thinking if he is this much cool about my opinion of having or not having a relationship . Then why was he so insisting and forcing me for Sex ? Just for Once Sex ( for sake of him only for Once Sex)“.
i talked to him after 3 days of that night . I was just ignoring his most of texts .March 23, 2019 at 9:40 am #285913
Congratulations for making that call.
It really doesn’t matter what he says to you because he is not an honest man. So please don’t pay attention to what he said to you or what he may say in the future.
He has shown by his words and his behavior that it is unwise to look for truth in what he says. It is too difficult to separate truth from lies, why bother.
Better be involved with an honest man, then you don’t have to do the impossible work of figuring out every time you hear him, what of what he said was true, and what was not.
anitaMarch 23, 2019 at 11:02 am #285939
As anita says, this guy has proven he is not to be trusted. Block him, don’t return any communication and move on in healing. I would recommend to heal is not to have any men in your life right now. Be wary of men who want to get in through the side door by pretending to be friends at first. Best to find companionship with your current circle of friends.