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Married and lonely

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  • August 18, 2019 at 6:14 am #308425
    Paperdoll
    Participant

    I’ve been married for 20 years. No kids. I want to leave my marriage. I’ve been thinking of this for a long time but only recently decided that it’s time.

    The reason I want to leave is because our marriage has long ceased being a marriage. We’re more like roommates. There hasn’t been a physical relationship for a long time and I miss giving and receiving affection. Mostly I feel ignored and lonely.

    I’ve brought up these issues with my husband many times but we get nowhere. He’s not able to talk about these things. So we’ve been living in a pretend world where we live as a couple but we’re not really a couple.

    What’s been stopping me from asking for a separation are stupid reasons. Questions like: who will move out? What will I say to friends and family? How will we share our joint property? Will I manage on my own?

    Bringing up this discussion will result in a big life change for both of us and somehow it’s easier to maintain the status quo and continue pretending. We get along well enough and don’t live in a negative atmosphere. But I’ve realized I’m not in a relationship anymore and that I really don’t want to continue like this.

    I’ve been trying to find the strength and courage to have this discussion with him.

    If anyone has been in a situation like this, please share your experience.

    August 18, 2019 at 7:17 am #308433
    Mark
    Participant

    Paperdoll,
    I believe a lot of marriages get stale and being roommates is common for a lot of couples.  Before considering leaving your marriage, I wonder if you have any hobbies?  friends?  Are you working?

    I learned from my Compassionate Couples Communication class that we all have needs such as companionship and physical closeness.  Ideally we would get that from our mate but not always.  We do not have to depend on our spouse for meeting all our needs.  Perhaps you can have that emotional closeness from others?  The physical affection need is trickier to get met from someone else.

    Mark

    August 18, 2019 at 8:46 am #308453
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Paperdoll:

    “we’ve been living in a pretend world where we live as a couple”- you can stop living in a pretend world right now, today. You don’t have to wait for a discussion with him, for a separation, a divorce and so forth and then, later on, stop pretending. You can stop pretending now.

    What is reality?- “We’re .. roommates.. I feel ignored and lonely.. we get nowhere. He’s not able to talk about these things.. we’re not really a couple”-

    so stop trying to talk to him about these things, stop waiting for better communication, see to it that the two of you have separate rooms, just like roommates do, tonight and every night to follow. Let him know that you will be out and about whenever you choose without letting him know where you are  going and when you will return, just like roommates do. Don’t attend extended family events with him because.. he is your roommate.

    And take it from there.

    anita

    August 19, 2019 at 1:30 am #308531
    Peggy
    Participant

    Hi Paperdoll,

    It strikes me that the real reasons you haven’t separated are mainly based on financial ones.  These are not stupid reasons.  Before you go any further, I think you need to check your legal position with regard to the joint ownership of your property.  Many women are able to be financially independent so there is probably no reason why you couldn’t be if you wanted to be.  It takes courage to branch out on your own.

    What do you tell friends and family?  That your marriage is not meeting your needs, that there is no love and affection in it and that you don’t want to pretend any more, perhaps.

    Peggy

    August 19, 2019 at 8:42 am #308557
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Paperdoll,

    It’s the worst when we want to lose someone but they haven’t done anything technically “wrong”.

    One thing that I did accidentally was I hired a gay decorator. We ended up talking all day! My husband came home and he didn’t see a gay decorator. He saw some guy that his wife hung out with in the house alone all day. And oh by the way gave him dinner! After that Himself took me out to dinner, lunch and a movie. Splashed on a humorous amount of cologne. Made mad love to me. Brought me coffee in bed. I was all, “But Babe, he’s gay”… but I digress.

    I’m not saying have an affair. I am saying to buy an oldie but goodie book like Kosher Adultery to spice up your marriage.

    I would say “Get Out!” but divorce is expensive.

    Best,

    Inky

    August 22, 2019 at 4:56 am #308937
    Anjali
    Participant

    I’ve been in a similar situation for a very long time.  Ive come to the conclusion that my husband is Aspergers hence unable to talk about emotional issues. I’ve done a lot of soul searching. If you have truly made the decision that you want to leave then taking action in separating is what needs to be done.  If you haven’t actually made the decision, this may be the reason you are finding excuses not to take action?  The bottom line is you are unhappy with the way things are so finding the courage to change it is the only route to feeling happy and not lonely.  Changing it can mean staying and finding a way to accept the things that are good about your relationship and changing the parts that make you feel lonely and unfulfilled or leaving and making a new life for yourself on your own.  This could lead you to bringing the things you really want in your life.  You have to know what it is you want before you can strive to get it.  Courage to change it is all you need. Check out Teal Swan her book on loneliness and her you tube videos on other topics have helped me in my journey.

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