November 2, 2018 at 10:18 am #235159
Long distance is hard. But short distance can be hard too, when the relationship is lacking honesty and trust. Be as honest and trustworthy with him as you want him to be with you. And post here anytime you’d like.
anitaNovember 2, 2018 at 10:25 am #235165
Thank you Anita I will do that.
I’m not speaking to my sister at the moment because I told her about the blocking issue and I wanted to wait to hear him out before I took any action. She flew off the handle to my horror. She screamed at me “Why would you do that? He does not want you? Stop chasing him! Block him and be done with him. Anyway do not talk to me about him anymore!” I was so hurt because she is my only sister and I expected to get a little empathy from her.
So I will not be talking to her about this anymore. I will come here instead.November 2, 2018 at 10:30 am #235167
You are welcome. Yes, better come here instead. It will be a shame to give up a possibly good relationship with a man so to satisfy your sister’s impulsivity. Better be sensible yourself, not rushing to get mad, like your sister.
anitaNovember 13, 2018 at 3:05 pm #236753
This May sound silly. But remember how I said my bf never has time for me and I was thinking about breaking up with him? Instead I just took a few steps back and gave him space. 2 days went by and I didn’t hear from him. When he did reach out it felt great and we talked. Another day went by without contact. Since then he’s been attentive to me. Calling me every morning. He said he knows he hasn’t been what I wanted but he will do his best to be the best for me ?. Meaning making time for us. It’s been a week and he is still attentive to my needs I told him I love this version of him. Now here’s the crazy part I’m suspicious of his change in behavior. Like really dude “what happened “ I didn’t ask him but I’m finding it hard to relax and just enjoy the attention he’s giving me.
He’s even started talking about getting married ?. We are from different religious backgrounds and different races as well. He brought that up and how he feels we should manage it in our relationship and if we have children we should celebrate both sides of our religion and culture.
ok so I’m like where is my bf? What have you done to him?
What do you all think?November 14, 2018 at 7:44 am #236823
I think that you didn’t present any evidence in this thread that your boyfriend is not trustworthy. Reads like he is a hard working man who is quite trustworthy. He works far away, seven hour difference so he had trouble making time for you, given his intense work demands and time difference. It is a good thing you stopped complaining about him not giving you more time. As you can see, that worked and he is making an effort.
You started the thread with deep distrust of him, and you still distrust him, I figure because you don’t trust people in general, or men. I’d say proceed to get to know him, give him the space you have been giving him, so to allow him the comfort to contact you, so he does it because he wants to, not because of pressure.
Keep talking, ask questions here and there (not like an interrogator, but so to get to know him better, about his plans, including the marriage talk), and when he returns to where you live get to know him even better. And keep posting, I wish this relationship does work out well!
anitaNovember 14, 2018 at 9:57 am #236847
you are right. I don’t trust men in general. My dad was a good dad but a horrible husband to my mother. They separated after 44 years of marriage. Then in my own personal relationships with men. My last bf cheated on me the entire time we were together. He lied a lot too. To be honest my gutt feeling tells me I can trust my bf, but it’s a struggle because of my past experience with men.
I asked him yesterday what inspired him to change. He said we love each other so he thought about it for a while and said that this is the only thing I ask of him. Besides I am attentive to him so he can do the same for me. I feel good about his response, because he came to that conclusion himself. He wasn’t forced or pressured by me. He just did it. He has opened up to me and shared a lot of intimate things about himself that I didn’t know.
I have learnt something. A lot of my behavior initially in the relationship was driven by fear. So I don’t think I was pleasant to be around. So last week I stopped worrying about what my bf is doing or not doing. I joined a gym. Started working out. I removed focus from him and started focusing on myself. Just simply living in the moment and taking things the way they come. By doing this I was able to just be and let go of the fear and anxiety. I have tried this before but it never really worked because I was doing it to get a specific outcome or a certain behavior from my bf. This time it’s for me. The outcome doesn’t matter. So the anxiety and fear is no longer there. 🙂
also my bfs workload has diminished because he was able to hire someone to assist him.November 14, 2018 at 12:08 pm #236863
I am looking forward to read your recent post (and any other you might add to it) when I am back to the computer, in about sixteen hours from now, will reply to you when I am back.
anitaNovember 14, 2018 at 10:47 pm #236911JohnParticipant
Oh dear, where to start.
The term “knee jerk” comes to mind. I do it often. I see something that doesn’t make sense and instead of asking about it, I assume the worst and let my mind run amok. It is a VERY bad habit if you intend to have any meaningful relationship.
I am going to take a guess, and this is in no way meant to be like a snarky shot at you or anything, but I am going to guess you might be on the younger side? Lower to mid 20s I would guess? Because this seems like the sort of silliness one hasn’t quite grown out of from high school and we let infect our relationships later in life until we learn to not do them anymore. I want you to learn it now, and save yourself some grief and hopefully, your relationship. So a few things:
- If he wanted to dump you, he would have fully ghosted you, not selectively banned you from a single app.
- There are several other reasons he blocked you, from “accidentally sat on his phone in just the right way” to “phone malfunctioned and kept giving him WhatsApp updates from you without you actually doing anything (which I have had happen…..guess how you get that to stop?)” to “You incessantly attempted to contact him a few dozen times while he was working and he was getting in trouble”. That last one is not an accusation, merely an observation of yet another reason he might have blocked you, and something you may have omitted as I have in the past to make the story a bit more favorable to your side.
- He contacted you again. Not exactly the move of someone who doesn’t want to see you anymore.
- Finally, and this is key: stop playing games. Stop dumping him on a whim because of stuff like this. Stop playing silent treatment with him because you don’t buy his answer. Stop, stop, stop. As a man, I can tell you there is nothing more aggravating than a woman who knee jerk reacts to everything and then plays passive aggressive games when we meant nothing by what we did.
The big problem I see here is you are arguing your feelings. Even in your response to him, you said you FEEL he blocked you. Since there is no possible way for him to prove otherwise, you are putting an unreasonable amount of pressure on him to prove your feeling. If he says he didn’t, that’s all you can do. Pushing it further WILL end up causing problems, so you must decide whether you believe him or not. It appears you do not. Now you must decide what the penalty for that is. If it is breaking up, then be up front about it and don’t string him along or play these passive aggressive games with him. Even if you aren’t together anymore, after you both get over what I will admit I find a silly reason to end a relationship, he will be able to respect that you didn’t toy with him or play games about it.November 14, 2018 at 10:50 pm #236913JohnParticipant
I didn’t see your last post. That makes a lot more sense.
Just keep reminding yourself the following:
He is not your dad. He is not the man who cheated on you. He is not any man who hurt you in the past until he IS that man in the present. Putting that on a man without him having done anything, not really ever trusting him because of baggage you brought into the relationship (and rightfully so, I get it, it’s hard to trust again after being screwed over), is not anywhere in the realm of fair. And honestly, if you ind yourself unable to fully trust him, end it. Because without trust, there is no love. Period.November 14, 2018 at 11:03 pm #236917giaParticipant
When I read your first latest post date November 13, I also entertained the idea that it was a response — to his change or perceived change — driven at least partly in fear. And then that idea was confirmed by your later post, that “I have learnt something. A lot of my behavior initially in the relationship was driven by fear.”
I have lived a long, long time devaluing myself, because fear would disguise as gut feeling and when my gut feeling “turned out to be wrong”, trust in the self was eroded and etc. etc. My therapist pointed out the difference between intuition and fear, was when I became aware of the difference and more discerning about the two when one popped up looking like the other.
I agree with the suggestion that you continue to get to know him, ESPECIALLY after he returns and you two get to do so in person as much as time and opportunities allow! I am also pleased to hear of your report of experimenting with a healthy detachment. We are in a similar stage of growth.
GiaNovember 15, 2018 at 4:50 am #236935
I laughed when I read your first post. No I am not in my early twenties. I am actually in my mid 40s. I lived a very sheltered life growing up. Went to an all girls boarding school. Got married young and divorced young and never really dated till I met my cheating ex. So I would say that my experience with men is sadly limited. But I am learning and growing day by day.
You are correct on the knee jerk thing. Also wanted to add that a month prior to all of this happening right before he travelled we got into a disagreement. Totally my fault. First time I had ever seen him upset. I sort of gave him space to cool off and reach out to me when he was ready.
Part of it was what Gia talked about and thinking that my fear is my intuition or my gut when in reality it’s not. Part of the argument was me finding “clues” that he is cheating when he wasn’t and really convincing myself that he was because I know the “patterns” from my past relationship with my ex. Since then I started journaling. I also remind myself that the “stories” I make up are all in my head and are not actual reality. So instead of calling him or messaging him with crap. I just journal instead and write all my thoughts down. The funny thing is when I go back and read my journal entry I realize how insane I sound.
TNovember 15, 2018 at 4:51 am #236939
Thank you for the comment. I am a work in process 🙂November 15, 2018 at 5:58 am #236953
From personal experience, when you witness as a child your mother being hurt by your father cheating on her, this is as if you were cheated on yourself. A young girl is so close to her mother, there is hardly a mental separation in the girls’ brain between her and her mother, that her hurt is your hurt. I believe that even without having a boyfriend later in life who cheated on you, you carried your childhood experience of being cheated on by proxy, with you into your adulthood.
The journaling method works for you, excellent, so is going to the gym. Problem is the suspicion will return soon enough, the distrust will raise its head with a decent, trustworthy man! Sooner or later, it will be back with the first “sign” of something going wrong. You are doing well… until he is late calling you back and the thought occurs to you: why is he late, what is he doing…?
It takes healing best you can, not only from being cheated on by your ex boyfriend, but being cheated on, by proxy, by your own father. It also takes the ability and patience it takes to evaluate a man over time, is he trustworthy or not? And then it takes talking sense to yourself again and again… and yet again whenever suspicion occurs.
It also takes accepting certain realities, that even trustworthy men feel attracted to other women at times while in a committed relationship, and the attraction in itself is not cheating.
What do you think?
anitaNovember 15, 2018 at 3:12 pm #237045
When I was married, I was married to a man that I trusted 100%. He was nothing like my father. But there was this thing I always felt he was missing. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. The marriage ended and we spent the last decade or so co parenting our children together.
I believe where my childhood wounds reared it’s head was when I met my ex bf. He reminded me so much of my father. For some reason that didn’t deter me from dating him. It was one traumatic relationship. Prior to him I had never been in a relationship with a man that cheated on me. The sad part is I knew he was doing it and I just acted like I didn’t know. Which is what my mother did with my father. I finally decided to walk away when the evidence just came to me and when I confronted him he acted like so what? You are here and she’s there so why are you worried about what am doing with her. In that moment I knew it was time for me to walk away. Which I did. It was one of the hardest things I had ever done.
The last 5 yrs after that breakup I had a general distrust for men and just assumed that they all cheat. Until I went into therapy and realized that the friends I had were all in very unhealthy marriages with cheating spouses and all. I decided it was time for me to break away from those relationships. In the 5 years 3 of my siblings got married and started families. I can say that my brothers are wonderful husbands to their wives and my brother in law adores my sister. I realized that it is possible to be in a relationship with someone that will be faithful to me. Looking at my siblings relationships with their spouses I realized that it’s better to wait for the right person for you. It’s like they were meant to be together.
I realize that it’s a process to overcome this. I’m still in therapy. The first step is me being aware of it. I told my bf of the trust issues I have because of my past bruises and he has been very patient dealing with my “crazy”. He has given me everything to make me trust him other than passwords to his accounts which I don’t think it’s necessary because he hasn’t given me any reason not to trust him.
Just like John said I am really working on realizing that my bf is not my ex. Everything about him is NOTHING like my ex. And has you’ve pointed out I need to observe him overtime which requires a lot of patience. I’m really looking forward to him coming back for good so we can continue to grow our relationship.November 15, 2018 at 5:21 pm #237053MarkParticipant
I see that our relationships; parents, siblings, teachers, friends and especially lovers are all Life’s opportunities to grow and to learn about ourselves.
I encourage you to journal about what you have learned and understand what is your role in those relationships.