November 15, 2018 at 10:00 pm #237087JohnParticipant
I am so happy to see that you are able and willing to take some self stock and introspection. It’s really going to help you move past that mistrust of men. And I get it. My wife damaged my trust many years ago. It festered and I thought I was over it, but every time she did something that was a precursor to that violation, I jumped on it. Mostly not because I thought she was violating that trust again, but rather that I had ignored signs before that something was up, assuring myself I was overthinking it, or my mind was just running amok. I had learned to trust her again, but the wound was just too great in the end. We ended up never talking about it. I tried to act like it never happened but when those instances came up, she took it as an attack on her. Both of our unwillingness to stop and take some time to just speak to one another about a rather important issue cost me my marriage this week.
So if I can stop that from happening for one other person, to stop this pain and suffering that is completely avoidable, then I will. Again, remind yourself that he is not those men. Talk to him about what happened to you. If he does things that remind you about those men and what they did, ask him about it. But realize that too much of that will make him think that you believe he is just another one of those men. And that might spell the end as well.November 16, 2018 at 5:23 am #237111
Your recent post reads very reasonable to me, it all makes sense. I hope you post again anytime you would like to, for whatever reason.
anitaNovember 16, 2018 at 6:02 pm #238115
So sorry about your marriage. Trust that this too shall pass and one day you will look back at it and ask yourself how you ever got through it.
All the best.
November 26, 2018 at 10:07 am #248625
- This reply was modified 4 years ago by Tanya.
I hope those of you in America had a good thanksgiving.
I needed to come back here and vent a little.
This is more about my family and their opinion about my relationship with my man. Remember my sister and I had a falling out about how I handled the whole blocking issue. She wanted me to break up with my man without hearing him out first and I wasn’t gonna do that. So anyway we have not spoken since then. My mom was at my house for thanksgiving and has been feeling uneasy that I’m not speaking to my sister. I had not told my mom about my relationship with my man till thanksgiving because I was not sure where it was going. So I am feeling more confident about my relationship so I told my mom about him. She didn’t say anything but kinda just listened. From the beginning me and my man already know that our families won’t be too pleased with our relationship for a few reasons. Firstly on his side, I am black, I’m 10 yrs older than him and I not a muslim. On my side the fact that he is muslim and our age difference. Me and him talked about this from the very first day and decided we don’t really care and we will pursue a relationship. Anyway. I wanted my mom to talk to him over thanksgiving, but it didn’t happen. Time difference and other things didn’t line up.
My mom was able to speak to my sister about what happened between us. I honestly didn’t want my mom to hear any of the negative things my sister had to say about my man. Because it is irrelevant at this point since we have moved past it. But my sister spilled it all out to my mom. Up until this point my mom hadn’t really said much about my relationship. But after she spoke to my sister these are the things that she picked up on.
1. He won’t be faithful to me because well his religion allows him to have multiple women. I told my mom. First off no one in his family has ever been involved with more than one woman at a time (my mom was surprised when I told her this). So I am not concerned about that. Secondly his religion? Really mother? Dad is a Christian and his religion did not “allow” for him to have multiple women. BUT HE DID!!! So lets move on…
2. He is Muslim and I am atheist. Well we talked about it and its a non issue. He does his thing and I do mine. She is worried that I will convert to Islam since I gave up on Christianity years ago. Told her if I do it will be my choice and my business not hers.
3. My age. He is too young. He is in his mid 30s and I mid 40s. He has never been married and has no children. I am divorced and have children of my own that are college age and high school age. She was like does he want to have children? I said yes we talked about that already. Just 1. Mom was like but what about your age? I am like what about it? Women my age have children these days and I am willing to make that “sacrifice” for the right man. So?
4. My sister told her that he may be talking to “multiple” women. She said this because an ex of his got in touch with me via FB and claimed they were still dating. I offered my man an opportunity to explain himself to me which he did. I told him to handle the “situation” if he still wanted to continue dating me. Which he did. I was satisfied with the steps he took and we haven’t talked about it again. My sister wasn’t happy that I kept talking to him because he can’t be trusted. She wanted me to start dating other people as well.
This just made me feel really bad that now my mom has a preconceived notion about him even before she gets to meet him. Which we were planning on meeting our families when he gets back. I didn’t tell him any of this stuff because I do not want him to feel uncomfortable when he does meet my family.
Sorry I just needed to vent.November 26, 2018 at 10:39 am #248633MichelleParticipant
I feel like there is a lot going on here (admittedly, some of which appears as red flags for me).
You have only been dating him for four months. That seems quite soon to be discussing marriage and children to me. The polygamy thing may not provide you with concern but does the practice of arranged marriage? Many Muslims practice this. The fact that you are of a different religion, ethnicity and cultural background makes a serious relationship quite unlikely. Have you talked to him about this specifically?
If he truly is talking to “multiple women”, it could be because his parents are setting him up with a potential spouse. I’m just putting this out there because it happened to me with an Indian, not Muslim, boyfriend. There’s a lot of pieces to your story that are written about after the initial post that are giving me pause. Guard your heart.November 26, 2018 at 11:05 am #248637
Thanks Michelle for your input.
Non of these things you mentioned are of any concern to us. Trust me I grew up amongst muslims. So I have asked all the questions I needed to ask and continue to ask as they come to me. He is open and answers them. No arranged marriages in his family. His younger brother is married to a catholic who chose to convert to Islam a year after marriage. So his family is not really that conservative. Heck he is dating me. Also his last serious relationship was with a christian lady. We discuss marriage because it’s what we want. No point wasting time talking to someone that is still out there playing the field. We are not engaged or anything of the sort, but we do know it is something we want within the next couple of years.
I hope this clarifies my situation.November 26, 2018 at 11:11 am #248641
Your sister can and should make her own choices about her own life. Her life is hers to live. Your life is yours to live. You don’t need your sister’s or your mother’s permission or approval. I hope you don’t.
Take your time now and when your boyfriend returns from overseas Feb next year to get to know him further, get to know what Islam means to him, get to know what power the religion/ his family members have in his life. Make sure that he is loyal to you, his girlfriend/ future wife.
Having read your posts I don’t think you will tolerate anything less than a man’s loyalty to you; I don’t think you will accept anything less.
Regarding your age difference, I know of a couple, he was ten years younger than her, they were married for forty or fifty years until his death and they had one child, a son. This couple were my grandparents, my father’s parents.
You posted to vent and yet you got my input, I hope it’s okay with you.
anitaNovember 26, 2018 at 12:01 pm #248649
Thank you for your input. No I don’t care what anyone thinks. When I was younger I did. But not now. I really don’t care. My bf is actually coming back next month. Early. He was able to hire someone and is training them now. As far as Islam, I did tell him that I was open to conversion if I could learn more about it. He isn’t asking me to convert but I am interested in learning about his religion. He likes it when I ask questions about his religion and he gladly answers my questions. His dad passed away years ago. So it’s just his mom and siblings. He has told me repeatedly that it doesn’t matter what they think and he will prove it to me. He is definitely loyal to me. I sometimes think he is naive in not seeing our differences. He truly does not care. His brother married outside his race and religion and his family accepted his wife.
That’s such a beautiful story about your grand-parents. I honestly did not want anymore children until I met my bf. We have talked about what that will mean and what it would look like for both of us.
Your input is always ok Anita 🙂November 26, 2018 at 12:23 pm #248651
You are welcome and thank you for the last line and that smiley face that goes with it nicely.
Reads good to me, what you wrote. It all reads good to me, you make good sense to me. Anytime you want to post please do and I will reply, a pleasure!
anitaJuly 11, 2020 at 7:03 pm #361443LoraParticipant
Tanya, you’re probably not going to believe this.. but my boyfriend did the exact same thing. Every single detail aligns, it’s so uncanny..mind blown. Could have written this story myself word for word. I’m actually starting to believe there is a chance it’s the same guy haha. I am very curious to find out what has happened after this much time has passed. Care to share? Hopefully this messages find you well x