My boyfriend doesn't have his shit together.

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    So I have been with my boyfriend for a little over a year. There has always been something off. I finally figured it out.

    He doesnt have his shit together.

    He’s living the life of a frat guy and is totally a boy in the way he is handling his life.

    I love him. And I do feel like he’s a great person for me. However, he’s not handling his finances and his life with purpose really.

    How do I tell him he needs to get his shit together? Or do I just walk away?

    I ultimately want to be with him, but I need him to grow up a little more before I can.





    Dear Sam:

    You can tell him something like: it seems to me that you don’t handle your finances and life with purpose, do you agree? Following his answer, if he agrees, you can ask him if he would like your help. Let him know that you are interested in helping him because you have a desire to have him in your life long term and you want to live a purposeful life. Ask him what he thinks about it… have a conversation, conversations, better.



    Hi Anita,


    thanks. Yeah I agree I need to talk to him. I always try to fix things, and I really think he needs to fix this to show me the type of man he wants to be…because right now, he’s a boy. I know he has a good heart and that he does really have good values – he has just gotten stuck with his old college lifestyle…I’m hoping to say the best thing to not blame or make him feel bad, but to encourage him stepping up in his life for me and for himself. He deserves a better life that what he is settling for.


    Dear Samantha:

    If you want to have a life with him, as his partner, him being your partner, you can start that partnership now as ongoing communication with him, that is, talking regularly about what to do and how to do what in his life and your life, so the input goes both ways, you helping him and he, helping you. As much of the boy you think he is, there are areas in which he is quite mature and can help you, I am thinking.

    So it shouldn’t be him living up to your expectations, on his own, but a help-each-other along partnership.



    Hi Samantha,
    I was thinking, before you have the conversation, if you haven’t already..

    What makes you think this? Sometimes our perception of how things ‘should’ be done, can cloud our perception of whats working for each individual?


    I cannot see how anyone really changes by having someone else tell them that they should change, even if it is presented as encouragement.

    I see it takes more.

    I am interested if I’m wrong in this case.



    Samantha – It takes longer than a year to really know someone. Do not base your decision on your emotions like all emotions Love is fleeting. When you need to pay bills and do laundry or take care of grown up stuff will this frat boy stand up to it?

    You need to ask yourself how much more are you willing to invest time wise. Give your self a deadline and if you see no change run do not walk.



    Hi Sam,

    This does not necessarily mean he is not a good boyfriend. How old is he? Heck, I can barely balance my checkbook, but there are many other things I can do well, and have to offer. What do you mean when you says he acts like a “frat boy”? This does not mean he does not have it together, but things that can easily be improved. Before ending a relationship on these two things, maybe suggest to him (I am not saying you need to fix him) but maybe he could take a budgeting course. Is he out partying? Drinking too much? Going to bars alot? Bring this up..just tell him, that you would like more together time and suggest more mature things the two of you can do together. The list is endless, go to a play, camping, a long evening drive, to a weekend bed and breakfast, out for a romantic dinner. Hiking, to an observatory and stargaze. A drive to the beach, lake, etc. Maybe just suggest some things and see if his behavior changes, if the relationship is otherwise good, try not to be critical, we all have our flaws, don’t throw the relationship based on these minor flaws. x

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