Dear Ladybug:

I wish life was better for you right now, I am clear about your distress in your most recent post. I want to process your recent three posts, so I will repeat what you shared using quotes and commenting:

Currently he “trains every day and sometimes twice a day which means he finishes at the gym quite late… he doesn’t have the energy to put in any effort to make me feel special”. Also, “he doesn’t want me to dedicate myself to him and his career during my free time”.

You, on the other hand “want something serious.. prefer quality time spent such as romance, dates, small gifts.. things that make me feel special. I don’t feel all that special if we just lazing around or doing chores together”

And you “don’t want to be insecure and stressing about the person I’m in love with… I have to keep the conversation simple or he’ll feel overwhelmed”. You spend “an entire weekend of just being around him and feeling unimportant”. You called your need to feel romanced and special a starvation (“starvation to feel romanced and special”).

You wrote that he is “not very tidy, he sleeps late, he procrastinates. His lifestyle is very unreliable and irresponsible at times… lazy and sleep late… I’ve started thanking him a lot more often and showing him recognition for his small efforts hoping that will make it easier and motivate him to be consistent”.

My input at this point: your own words indicate clearly that what your boyfriend is going through is not an identity crisis, a crisis that is temporary (title of your thread). Instead, there is an incompatibility of goals, values and lifestyle between the two of you. You indicated yourself that his lifestyle (being messy, sleeping late, etc.) is something he is used to since childhood so this is definitely not a part of a crisis. It is a good thing that you thanked him more often, trying to motivate him, it is definitely better that you do that than not, but realistically, habits from childhood are very, very difficult to change. He is not a child, that is, his brain is not available for you to form. It is already formed this way.

You know what you need in a relationship and it is not compatible with what he has to offer you. He told you before that the relationship with you “put him in a comfortable state of mind, but also made him lazy and unambitious and for that he fears getting back in that comfort”- the problem I see with this is that he has so much to go through to get to where he wants to get in his career, and he might never get there, and so when will he allow himself to be “lazy and unambitious” enough so to be with you the way he was/ the way you want him to be?

Basically you have been waiting for… a time that is not going to happen in the next few years at best and never, at worst.

I read your most recent post. In summary, my input today is that you have been doing your very best to revive and resume a relationship you had with him for a relatively short time. You adjusted your behavior effectively, and some of your adjustment is a healthy adjustment, excellent job! And yet, there is really nothing you can do to change his habits which you disapprove of, and there is nothing you can do with his belief that a relationship with you the way you need it to be, is not in line with what he values and wants.

For you to be living with him, you really have to be in the background of his life, to be satisfied with just being around him when he is home, to do chores together, to have things the way they have been, no change. You have been waiting while there is nothing to wait for. I say there is nothing to wait for because he is not remotely close to being wealthy enough to allow himself to be “lazy and unambitious” in regard to his career.

You’ve been waiting for him to be wealthy enough to allow himself to have the relationship you need and want, and that may never happen. His own lifestyle that you disapprove of is not congruent with the success he hopes to have (winning fights, making good money).

I know you are extremely attached to him and I doubt you are willing or ready to end this relationship, but keep your thinking congruent with reality, see things as they are, this is what is best for you. What do you think/feel?

anita

Dear Ladybug:

I am trying to understand the last sentence you wrote, in what context did he tell you that he can’t miss you if he’s always spending time with you-

Was it in response to you asking him if he missed you? Was it a part of a conversation?

anita

Dear Ladybug:

I think that everyone needs alone time. I do. Thing is, why does he need to “let of steam” away from you with friends? Is there steam building up in him as a result of being with you?

And why does he need to be with friends, away from you, so to get in touch with his “own personal identit(y)”- is he losing his own personal identity as a result of being with you?

And why does he need to be away from you and with friends so to “bring back the appreciation” for you- does he lose that appreciation when he is with you?

anita

Dear Ladybug:

He values his career the most and you value the relationship the most. So his main concern is his career and your main concern is him and the relationship.

“He wants an interesting sex life and a passionate relationship but he has not put in any effort”- I can feel your anger about this, this lack of reciprocity of effort.

How will you deal with this lack of reciprocity long term?

anita