This weekend has been quite interesting. He seemed his usual emotionally distant self, he came home late friday night as he was out with his friends. He made small conversation and told me about his night and how he didnt feel well. He as usual got into bed and wanted to cuddle. Saturday morning he had a motivational speech to do for a youth program and asked if id go with him which i did. His friend is the founder of this Youth program and his friend as well doesnt know we are on a break and kept introducing me as my boyfriends future wife. And during the Youth presentation he mentioned all that my boyfriend has achieved and spoke of how good he is as a man and a boyfriend to me… Which was probably a very guilty pill to swallow for my boyfriend but i gracefully smiled and nodded to protect his image. We later that day went on a hike with the youth team and i landed up sitting near a group of guys in the van, He very much seemed to want my attention. And the whole hike he seemed pleasant yet neutral towards me. After the hike we went to his grandparents place for a couple of hours then decided to go home. when we got home hes energy changed a little, he was talking about the day we had, how he’d like to do online teaching and how he’d love to do more motivational talks. He even went as far to mention that if we both did online teaching we could travel and live in different parts of the world and i could quit my job. This was a major break through to me because a man who sees a future with a woman tends to be comfortable enough to make future plans with her. I did have a major concern about him and his sports massage therapist. Because i have heard how bubbly and giggly their sessions get, and im not comfortable with him creating such close chemistry with a pretty woman who as her job is allowed to touch him. His past massage lady also had the hots for him and he use to entertain it by building a close friendship with her and that was completely disrespectful to our relationship which at the time was the beginning faze and we kept our relationship a secret. I dont want him to know im suspicious of his new massage therapist but i will make him aware when i feel something isn’t right. I provide all that is required of a girlfriend, i tend to all his needs. And even adjusted to his need for space this last month so anything he does that breaks our relationship trust or loyalty is on him. Yesterday he was very open emotionally, he was playful, kind, and seeking of my affection very much. He didnt seem like this cold heartless guy that hes been over the last month, with his guard down and his heart more open he seems to have more of a conscious which is good cause that means he is more aware of repercussions to his actions. He has been much easier on my feelings. But i dont want to keep my hopes up until he calls off the break. I feel that if i ask him about the relationship or emotional stuff too soon it might freak him out and scare him away again.

He addressed the whole future wife introduction thing, he didn’t want me to feel uncomfortable so he jokingly said “dont you just hate when people make marriage jokes” I just played it off like it didn’t faze me. He has mentioned many times in the past about how he likes that I don’t pressure or initiate marriage. He like most men have to feel 100% ready and secure within themselves and in life before getting married. And for me that’s perfectly Okay, but it gave me so much security knowing he saw a future with me and I’m not just a faze In his life. We have such a great connection, and our energies polarize well together. We hit a bumpy road and it needed to happen because we got stuck in a pattern that wasn’t helping us grow. So on the one hand he and I are naturally growing closer as he lets his guard down and on the other hand I still fear he seeks to be free and independent. Because I know him very well, I see him drawing closer and closer as the days go by… and what I’ve noticed is that it’s not me that causes his hot and cold behavior… it’s his own inner conflict based on what took place during his day. When he’s quiet and emotionally closed off I give him space and when he’s happy and emotionly open I welcome him with open arms. He really wants to be great in his career as an MMA fighter but his disappointed in himself because he has lazy habits. He likes getting out of his comfort zone and for months he just layed around in that comfort zone and it eventually made him depressed and feel as though he is incompetent. So this break was him breaking free and getting back out of his comfort zone and feeling like a man again. He has more drive now to get things done and to be happy within his life. So I’m patient because I know he is such a complicated guy with such wild expectations of himself but I have to surport his vision and not talk him out of any of his crazy dreams or try to fix him. He’s a good guy, he genuinely is so this type of behaviour during the break is something I never see from him. When he feels distressed he goes through a panic and destructive pattern and that’s when he pushes me away and takes his break.

What i meant by 100% ready is that the Pros outweigh the Cons. And marriage is a big step especially for a man who hasn’t seen a successful marriage growing up. He wants to be great at alot of things in life and one of those things is being a good man to a woman and i guess i stopped showing appreciation for all that he provides and all the good he brings to my life, i began trying to fix him when he was going through a troubled time. He felt that he isnt bringing any value or happiness to my life because i kept expressing all my negative emotions and he felt blamed for my insecure and unhappy complaints. A break really does open your eyes to how you could be affecting the person you love by relying on them for your happiness and security. I dont enjoy admitting my wrongs in the relationship but its definitely lifted a weight off my shoulders taking my happiness and confidence into my own hands. I do hope he gives us a second chance and i really hope we can bring back the trust in our relationship.

Thank you so much Anita, this sight has really brought me so much peace getting to share my worries and to have amazing advice and perspective on my matter.

I definitely dont take all of the blame because i know how his lazy habits and demotivated attitude caused tension in our relationship… He created his own misery and he is the only one that can break free from his own negative feelings and lazy habits. Every day is a battle where he struggles to be productive and to be happy. Especially now that he has this knee injury, its slowing his process of getting out of this sort of depression. He at times closes his emotions off and at times hes open and affectionate. He cant find the source of his own pain. I love him dearly and i do believe he will get through this. His mother doesn’t play much of a factor in his current life, there might be negative affects to his upbringing but i feel that he has just hit a all time low after his loss and it effected every aspect of his life. He just became stuck in a miserable, ungrateful hole. So me taking responsibility for my faults  is good for my growth, and he will too have to take responsibility for what hes done. I dont want to focus on what i have no power over as you said so me reflecting on my value and past mistakes creates a power for me to change and be an amazing person for myself and for him.

That is the conversation i want to have with him eventually, i need him to see how running away or pushing me away when things get tough makes him a coward. And that its unacceptable for a man to just become emotionally MIA without taking in consideration of the woman who takes care of him and has been patient through all the difficult times. Still today i cook, i clean and give him space when he seems closed off and im affectionate when he seeks for it. I am displaying the valuable girlfriend and life partner i am. As partners im doing my part best as i can, and he has seen how little he contributes… So in the end if he decides he wants to leave then he will have lost a treasure of a woman and i doubt he will ever find someone like me again. Being the best version of myself is either going to show him why he saw me as a life partner or its going to attract a better man who will appreciate and adore all that i have to offer as a woman.

He is an extraordinary man and i can say he is worth the wait but i too am an amazing woman and if he keeps doing this i know there is a man out there who will appreciate me more than he does. I am well aware that this is not fare what he is doing to me, and nobody deserves to be treated like an option after devoting so much into a man. Once he comes back to his senses and calls off the break, my standards on what im willing to accept has changed. I still want him to have his freedom and space but what he contributes to me and our relationship will display his level of love and commitment. I gave him so much loyalty that he stopped putting in effort to put a smile on my face. I was willing to accept less than i deserve to suite his lifestyle and convenience… But through all the pain his put me through i can say i have found a new sense of self respect and making everything so convenient for him made him lazy and he has taken everything i have to offer for granted.

Hi Anita,

Id like some advice, so a week has past and theres been some improvements regarding my situation. So my boyfriend and i are still on this break but he went out of town for the weekend and the whole time he was away he was texting me, i told him that we are on a break and the whole idea is that he should be cutting me off and hes response was that things were stressful but now things arent anymore, He also said that we still do things like we in a relationship. I then told him that we cant keep up this lie, i cant keep pretending that im his woman when he discarded me 2 months ago, i told him that i am happier within myself but keeping up this lie is getting harder on my heart day by day and i said that he needs to eventually come to a decision and let me mourn and make a plan to move on with my life. Hes response was “F*ck i know its difficult as hell” “Thanks for giving me the time to figure my sh*t out”

When he got back he was happy to see me and to be home again, last night when we were out, he was speaking to his brother about them both having trouble in relationships, he said something like

” Its like when you get into a relationship you open yourself up more and more and then you reach a peak point and its like you reach a barrier that you cant seem to cross, its like you cant give that part of yourself. And you can keep going through this cycle, whether its with the current girlfriend or the next girl or the next girl, it will keep happening if you dont get to the route of the problem withing yourself, you just got to keep working and with time you’ll overcome that limit”

He has realized that he has this limit when hes inlove and things progress and are great but then he reaches a limit where he cant seem to give that part of himself, and i feel thats where fear of commitment comes in. He was very serious about our relationship where he could see us getting married and i think he himself was frightened by hes feelings for me. Which resulted in him pushing me away when emotions became overwhelming. He seems to want to get over this barrier, and i give him love, support and space to deal with his issue. I thought i contributed to his pulling away but after last night i see now that he after 2.5 years his starting to feel that fear of commitment even though ive never pressured for marriage or anything like that, which only shows that he is frightened by his own love for me.  Even with his fear of commitment and trying to get to the bottom and make sense of his inner issues he still seeks for my love, opinion and companionship.

Is this normal for a guy to pull away when hes very inlove?

How could i support him to overcome this fear?