Menu

My boyfriend of 10 years left me without saying a word.

HomeForumsRelationshipsMy boyfriend of 10 years left me without saying a word.

New Reply
Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 40 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #383869
    Karma
    Participant

    No i did not contact him today. Yes, all my family and friends knew about my loss and they are being very supportive throughout.

    please help me as how can one forget someone with whom they have been for a decade..

    I am living in a weird phase of life where for one moment i feel everything’s gonna be fine but sometimes i feel that my life is over.

    #383872
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Karma,

    I am sorry you’re hurting so much and that he is being so harsh and inconsiderate with you.

    His behavior while you were still together was also quite problematic: e.g. he would go out with his friends but would lie to you about his whereabouts. He was irritated and angry because his startup failed, but he took it out on you. He was physically aggressive  – he hit you 3 times. You waited to spend the weekends together, but he had other plans, which didn’t include you. When you complained, he blamed you for having too high expectations and that you have changed.

    From his behavior, it seems to me he hasn’t respected you enough and took you for granted. And after a while, he started seeing you as a nuisance. Even if you did start demanding more attention since you’ve moved to the new city, his treatment of you wasn’t fair.

    Can you explain a little more about the transition to the new city and how it affected you? You said that in the first 5 years, before the move, you were busy with friends and studies, and he with his cricket, and you didn’t demand too much of his attention. But once you moved to the new city, you didn’t form new friendships, and you relied entirely on him for emotional support. You say you earned good money but you wanted to be only around him.

    How was the new city and the new environment different from the old one, that you suddenly became so withdrawn and insecure, and dependent only on him?

     

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 3 weeks ago by TeaK.
    #383874
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Karma:

    You had a ten year relationship with a guy. This relationship was like the ground you walked on: sometimes it was solid and you were happy (“the luckiest girl in the world”), at other times it shook and you were unhappy (“waiting for his attention… he.. was always irritated and angry at me”), but when he broke up with you, it is like he took away the ground from underneath you, and you are falling.

    Sometimes you hold on to something and you “feel everything’s gonna be fine”, at other time you forget to hold on to something and you keep falling, “feel that my life is over”.

    please help me as how can one forget someone with whom they have been for a decade“- you need a new ground under your feet, so that you can feel safe enough. It will take time and patience to make it happen. First, don’t contact him anymore. Second, spend your time connecting with other people who are supportive/ kind to you.

    Third, reduce your anxiety while you wait for the new ground under your feet: build a daily routine for yourself, so that you do the same things every day at about the same times. Make aerobic exercise (ex. fast walking) part of your daily routine. Try guided meditations which you can download for free. Look at the home page under BLOG, “Mindfulness & Peace”- there is a lot of information there.

    When you feel like “life is over”, say to yourself: it only feels like life it over, it is not really over. This feeling is not forever: I will feel better later. Say it to yourself because it is true.

    And post here anytime and I will reply to you every time you post.

    anita

     

    #383875
    Karma
    Participant

    When i was in school, i had many good friends and in beginning I didn’t have any expectations because i was new to this bf/gf thing. I moved to the new city only because B was there. In begining we would meet like daily and would bunk my college to be with him. College days were good with him. But as soon my job started and he started with his startup everything changed. In this city, he had many friends but I didn’t have friends. He was very moody- sometimes he would show much love but sometimes he was very ignorant. Whenever i asked him to take me to his place, he would make excuses. Even when we were together hanging around, he wanted to drop me to my pg at earliest.. i was always waiting for him. Sometimes he would tell me that he is coming to meet me and i used to wait but most of the times he didn’t show.

    #383877
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Karma,

    Whenever i asked him to take me to his place, he would make excuses. Even when we were together hanging around, he wanted to drop me to my pg at earliest.. i was always waiting for him. Sometimes he would tell me that he is coming to meet me and i used to wait but most of the times he didn’t show.

    He treated you very poorly, letting you wait, trying to spend as little time as possible with you, making excuses… Basically he was rejecting you much of the time, while you were pleading to get more attention. Sometimes you would get angry, which would lead to fights, right?

    The dynamic between the two of you is quite frequent in relationships: an anxiously attached person (you) is seeking love and attention from an avoidantly attached person (him), never getting enough. She is always pushing and asking for more, while he is always pushing her away and trying to distance himself from her.

    You said you used to bunk college just to be with him. That could be a sign of anxious attachment – putting him as a priority in your life, before everything else, including your studies. Getting attached so much to him that he becomes your source of everything, and without him you feel lost. Can you relate to that?

     

    #383878
    Karma
    Participant

    Yes, you understood me right.. My life was limited to him. But i was nowhere in his list of priorities.

    #383880
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Karma:

    There was a double posting above, did you notice my most recent reply to you? If you did, please let me know (I hope that you are aware that you’ve been communicating most recently with two different members?).

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 3 weeks ago by anita.
    #383887
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Karma,

    Yes, you understood me right.. My life was limited to him. But i was nowhere in his list of priorities.

    Right. So now you’d need to become more independent of him. If I understood well, you have a job, so you’re financially independent of him, right? By the way, how is the atmosphere at your work  place? Do you have good colleagues, is it pleasant to work there?

    Next is emotional independence – that you don’t need him to emotionally support you, listen to you, soothe you, give you his opinion etc. You say you have family and friends who are very supportive. Do you feel you can speak to them openly, without feeling judged by them?

    #383892
    Karma
    Participant

    Ues. Everything around me is good and supportive be it my office colleagues or my family. I am really grateful to them..

    i wish i would get someone in my life who will love me.

    #383893
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Karma,

    good you’re surrounded with people who support you and understand you… that’s a very valuable resource.

    i wish i would get someone in my life who will love me.

    There was a reason why you stayed with B for such a long time, tolerating his neglect and lesser treatment, pleading for his love and care. It usually happens when we don’t love and respect ourselves enough. How much do you love yourself?

    #383898
    Karma
    Participant

    I don’t love myself. Especially all the wrong things that B said to me after our breakup, i hate myself. Sometimes i feel that maybe it was my mistake that we are not together, maybe I didn’t love him that much to make him stay.

    #383899
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Karma,

    I don’t love myself. Especially all the wrong things that B said to me after our breakup, i hate myself.

    His accusations fell on fertile ground, because you already didn’t love yourself to begin with, and then when he told you all those nasty things, e.g. accusing you of destroying his life, you believed it. And now you love yourself even less…

    Sometimes i feel that maybe it was my mistake that we are not together, maybe I didn’t love him that much to make him stay.

    Yes, we usually blame ourselves for not being good enough. We think something like: had we been good enough (loving enough, tolerant enough, understanding enough), our partner wouldn’t have treated us badly, and wouldn’t have left us. That’s false thinking.

    Is this thinking – that you’re not good enough – familiar to you? And when did it start?

     

    #383900
    Karma
    Participant

    It started when our relationship started. In our starting days also, B left me after a weeknor so but then we patches up again.

    #383901
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Karma,

    how about your childhood and youth? Did you feel good enough then? Were you criticized? How did you feel about yourself before you met him?

    #383904
    Karma
    Participant

    My childhood was good. Everything was haooy around. I liked myself but i was always concious as i was not very good looking and all my friends were pretty. They has bfs and I never had one. Infact i usee to like a boy in my school days but he liked someone else. I thought that may be I don’t look good enough..

Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 40 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.