Hi Adam,

you’re very welcome, thank you for your kind words. I am really glad this is helping you.

My desire to help others has just been thrown away.

Yeah, it seems you feel rejected not only as her romantic partner, but perhaps also as a person, as a friend?

I honestly do believe it is my fault a bit because I failed to get her the proper help she needs, maybe my persistence was too much for her. I know there isn’t anything wrong with me yet I do ponder of the what ifs. What could I have done differently etc.

You were suggesting therapy, but she refused. She said it hasn’t worked before, so it won’t now either. You couldn’t have done more in that respect. And you were very supportive whenever she had those thoughts of wanting to leave. You told her you’re proud of her for staying, for conquering those impulses. Also, you said you always helped her calm down after her seizures and that she felt safe with you in that respect.

When someone is suffering from PTSD, you can’t really avoid them being triggered, because even the smallest thing can be a trigger. So no, you couldn’t have done more. Thinking that she would have stayed had you done something different is an illusion. It’s not you who drove her away, but her own trauma, her own internal battle…

It’s hurts to hear she doesn’t feel safe in the relationship.

Maybe that’s not even true that she didn’t feel safe. What’s for sure is that she had thoughts of leaving almost all the time. She had thoughts or feelings that you’re not the right person for her, or that you want to hurt her and put her down. She had those thoughts and feelings not because you were mistreating her, but because of her trauma, because she was interpreting everything through the lens of her trauma. She saw you and your intentions in a distorted way – due to her trauma. That’s why she left, not because of you were bad to her.

I worry about the future for this reason, what if the next person she changes for? What if she feels comfortable getting the help she needs and works on herself for them and for her? I would be upset if that’s the case.

Right… because that would mean (in your interpretation) that you were not good enough. That it was your fault after all. Which to me indicates a core belief, or a core wound, of not feeling good enough. That someone else would be better and more worthy than you…

I don’t know what will happen but I feel like now the more we drift apart the more she tells herself it was me that was making her feel what she felt.

Maybe, but you don’t know that. Maybe she is blaming you, maybe she is not. But the biggest problem that I see is that you are blaming yourself. And that causes you the greatest hurt…

It wasn’t fair on me at all, she dragged me through the mud.

No, it wasn’t, you didn’t deserve it. It seems to me a part of you believes you deserved it – because you were not good enough. (I honestly do believe it is my fault a bit because I failed to get her the proper help she needs, maybe my persistence was too much for her.) See how that works? A part of you is angry with her, but another part is “It’s my fault. She wouldn’t have done it had I been different.” And that’s an illusion.

I have obviously been quite obsessive and struggling to move on and let go. I have driven past hers a few times and this is how I know she has been away. My psych said she did the same thing once and it is a coping mechanism. Also the stalking I have been doing, social media is so toxic and has made it harder for me.

Well, that’s understandable that it’s hard to let go. It’s only been a couple of weeks or so. And since you’re the abandoned party, no wonder you’re still attached to her, you want to know what’s going on with her, has she found someone new…

I’ve almost been expecting to drive past hers and see some new persons car or something similar, like I’m almost looking for a reason to move on and feel no pity.

Yeah, I understand, it’s like if she moved on so quickly, then you’d be even angrier with her and you hope it would help you get over her more quickly. But like this, not knowing what she’s up to, you’re not that angry with her but you’re more like blaming yourself, feeling guilty.

And I think this – blaming yourself, feeling guilty, feeling you’re not good enough because your efforts have failed – that’s what’s making it so hard for you. I mean, it adds an additional layer of pain, which shouldn’t be there…

Let me know what you think?

Hi Adam,

really glad I could help! I am not a mental health professional, but I do have some training in mental health topics and personal development. So I am not completely clueless when it comes to human psyche 🙂

I do feel completely rejected as a person, maybe that’s what leads me to thinking some of these negative thoughts about my own character despite knowing I am caring and loving deep down.

I’ve got to ask: is this feeling of being rejected as a person familiar to you? Has it happened before?

I am definitely feeling different about things today and I’m not under the illusion of I could’ve done things differently as much anymore, I pull myself up on it whenever I have that thought.

That’s great! It’s good to hear you can stop yourself from berating yourself and blaming yourself…

Her trauma and mental health is the reason too why she left in my eyes. I think everyone agrees.

Yes, you’re right, it’s definitely not your fault.

I don’t believe someone would be more worthy than me but maybe more compatible?

Well, maybe, who knows… But you don’t want to be with someone who is not compatible with you, do you? And besides, two dysfunctional people can be “compatible” to each other and stay for decades in an dysfunctional marriage, but it’s not really what you’re aiming for, right? Your relationship could have easily become dysfunctional, with her bouncing in and out, and you trying to reassure her all the time… but then it would be a codependent relationship, with you being codependent on her.

Maybe I am blaming myself a bit but it doesn’t feel like I am. However, I do know that I didn’t deserve it. I deserved someone who would stick by me and let me in too support them, even as a friend.

Well, not everyone can remain friends with their exes. So I don’t blame her if she can’t be friends with you (you still don’t know that, but let’s assume it turns out she can’t). So the fact that she can’t be friends with you – because too many emotions are involved – doesn’t mean that you are someone worthy of rejection. If you know what I mean? The fact that she can’t be friends with you doesn’t say anything about your character, your likeability or trustworthiness as a person. You are a great person, and a great friend, but maybe not for her, because she simply can’t be friends with her exes. Can you see that?

I am doing my best to cleanse myself of these “what ifs”.

Awesome! Accept that there was nothing more or different you could have done. You did your best.

Being the abandoned party sucks but I will grow so much from this experience. Whoever it is in the future I will be a lot more vigilant and hesitant, not saying I will completely put my walls up. I think they will go down eventually as I tend to let people in very easily, I’m an honest open person.

Yes, you’ll definitely grow from this experience and draw some lessons too. I think what you need to be aware of is your need to save people. You can’t save people with unresolved trauma, and if you try, you might end up in a dysfunctional relationship. And another lesson: the fact that you couldn’t save someone doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or that there is something wrong with you.

I think the most difficult thing for me right now is because she is away, I am still in limbo. She may not know she received a letter and poem, unless her sister who was home when I dropped it off has told her. So its almost like I’m eagerly anticipating that she will get home and read the poem and reach out to me in someway. A part of me really hopes she does but a part of me also thinks maybe it’s best she doesn’t.

Right.. it seems you’d still like her to reach out, even as a friend. But keep in mind that she might not be able to stay friends with you, because too many emotions are involved. So don’t let that determine how you feel about yourself…

I think you’re points are fantastic, I think I am being harsh on myself and not kind enough. Not necessarily blaming me and feeling guilty for what happened.

Thanks! Yeah, you are being somewhat harsh on yourself. Try to accept that it’s not your fault and that you’re a great person, even if things with her didn’t end the way you wanted.

Hi Adam,

thanks a lot, I really appreciate what you said!

I was never confident with women growing up, but I am now. I’ve always had trouble reading peoples emotions and especially females, I know they are complex individuals.

Again, I’ve got to ask about your childhood: how was your relationship with your mother (or other significant women in your life) while growing up? (if you don’t mind answering)

I am glad you’re now more confident around women!

I think I should understand that I can’t save people it’s just hard for me because it is what I want to do! I want to help others.

It’s a great quality – to want to help others. You could do that in the context of humanitarian work or any other arena, and I think it would be greatly appreciated. However, it seems you’re attracted to helping/saving your romantic partner, which is a very different dynamic. Saving the woman you love. It is often related to the dynamic in our childhood, where the child wants to “save” their overworked mother, for example. Sorry for bringing up your childhood again, but I wonder if such dynamic is familiar to you? (again, you don’t need to answer if you don’t feel comfortable)

You are right with the the comment about being co-dependent but I do think we were compatible at the end of the day. The connection was there for sure. However maybe we weren’t compatible in what we were looking for in a relationship, due to her trauma.

So compatibility (in terms of similar interests, values etc) was probably not the issue. Rather, it was her trauma that prevented her from having a healthy, committed relationship.

I think my main issue is just getting invested and attached, as I said I give most people my all if I feel the connection.

Yes, I think the problem might be that you get invested and attached to a certain type of women (those who are in need, and need to be “saved”), who might not be able to reciprocate your love. At least it was the case with this girl. I don’t know about your previous girlfriends – you said they too suffered from anxiety, but you had a different dynamic with them. It’s like you wanted to get away from them, whereas you wanted to stay with this girl.

I know over time I will get better and love myself again. I have high hopes for my future self.

That’s a great attitude! I too believe you can overcome the current obstacles and get out of this with greater knowledge of yourself, and also emotionally more resilient!

Hi Adam,

I use to feel like she didn’t love me at times when I was younger but it was like you said, I didn’t want to disappoint her and she was only wanting the best for me.

May I ask what she was doing (or not doing) that made you feel like she didn’t love you?

I don’t remember trying to save people when I was younger, it could be I was trying to save myself through intimate partners? It did make me feel good knowing I have someone close in that sense.

Okay, so the desire to save people only developed later, perhaps only with this girl?

Talking about her own issues and she doesn’t want to do damage to others. She obviously cares for me but is she trying to make me pity her? I’m not sure.

I don’t think she is looking for pity. I think she is telling you why she can’t really function in a relationship. Although if she isn’t willing to go to therapy and chooses to suffer alone, that would indicate a certain helplessness and victim mentality – like giving up on herself, thinking nothing will help.

She does want me in her life and told me that talking to me matters a lot to her which is confusing. She is also confused.

So if she gave up on herself but still wants you in your life to talk to her and cheer her up – it would be like having a depressed friend who needs someone to complain to, but doesn’t really want to do anything to help themselves. If she is like that, it would be like you trying to cheer her up, make her feel better, but eventually not succeeding because she doesn’t want to deal with her core issues, i.e. her trauma.

Yes this girl was never too much for me despite all her issues.

Based on her behavior, she does seem like a handful. But for some reason, you have a need to be around her and help her. Perhaps you need to feel helpful and needed, and that your help is appreciated? Whereas in your childhood, with your mother, your efforts were somehow not appreciated and nothing you did could make your mother happy? Just speculating here, please let me know if this is off track…