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My depressed girlfriend left me

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  • #418850
    Adam
    Participant

    Hey Tee

    I think if she reached out anytime soon I would have a discussion with her about why we can’t. What do you think if she reaches out in the distant future? That is a worry of mine. I feel as I would still have some attachment years from now.

    Everything we have spoken about in the past few days especially has made it a lot clearer to what was going on. I never even had a thought of emotional abuse in my life until the week before the break up. I think I was experiencing it more and more as time went on. I felt like at the start when she was working and on her correct medication that the relationship was a lot better. But come to think of it we had break ups every 2 months. Either way we were splitting up but maybe it wasn’t until later when I actually experienced the manipulation etc.

     

    Not a lot of hobbies unfortunately. I do like riding occasionally and walking. Gaming is usually my escape too. However I felt like that got taken away a bit. Yes work and the house definitely give me some fulfillment, like my effort at work has rewarded a house I guess.

    I have lots of friends so I am lucky there. I didn’t see them much during the relationship and she had only met them all a few times. My best friend and Mum have been the most supportive during all the break ups.

    I don’t think it’s anything related to my childhood. My memories are all nice, my parents were great, my brother caring.

    I was thinking today about my ex and her family. Her mother was very sweet, her father was nice but he definitely had a switch and could snap. Very similar to my ex in ways and from what she’s told me he would get quite angry at her when she was young. Her sister is on the same medication as her also. I think a lot of this could be related.

     

    I know how to treat myself right and focus on myself it will come to me again soon enough. I have support for when I’m lonely and daydreaming. I am obviously upset but overall I’m coping. Still a bit of a shock to the system in saying that even after so many times.

     

    I will start writing some stuff down myself but any help would be greatly appreciated! I do fantasize about a relationship with her at times but I’m getting good at pulling myself out of that train of thought and unpacking what the relationship actually was in reality.

    I think I am already doing all those things. Setting precautions for fantasizing, surrounding myself with support, going to therapy etc.

    I guess I am taking the right steps then. I don’t think I’m depressed just very emotional about it all, there’s not really much relief though.

     

    #418860
    Tee
    Participant

    Hi Adam,

    I think if she reached out anytime soon I would have a discussion with her about why we can’t.

    Good! She might actually reach out, since so far you always wanted her back. But it’s great if you feel strong enough to tell her no now.

    What do you think if she reaches out in the distant future? That is a worry of mine. I feel as I would still have some attachment years from now.

    Hm… I wouldn’t worry about that right now. You don’t know what the future holds. I think the most important at this point is for you to learn your lessons from this experience: to be less vulnerable to emotional abuse and more able to recognize it if it starts happening in a potential new relationship.

    I hope you can move on from this and find yourself again. And be less prone to being manipulated and silenced like this. If you focus on that, you’ll grow as a person, and you’ll know what to do if she ever reaches out. As a general advice, if she isn’t in therapy (or stable mentally) and doesn’t have a job, she hasn’t move forward with her healing. And she would be in the same place, or worse, as now.

    But don’t linger on that possibility too much, because that’s again fantasizing about some future situation, where things might be better and where you might rekindle your relationship. Which is a part of that same daydreaming and clinging – which you need to heal!

    I never even had a thought of emotional abuse in my life until the week before the break up. I think I was experiencing it more and more as time went on. I felt like at the start when she was working and on her correct medication that the relationship was a lot better

    It’s quite possible that she was feeling better when she was on medication. But then something prompted her to try to wean off on her own, without going to therapy, which was a very unhealthy move. And it took a toll…

    But come to think of it we had break ups every 2 months. Either way we were splitting up but maybe it wasn’t until later when I actually experienced the manipulation etc.

    Or perhaps you became more sensitive to it, more able to recognize it? If I remember well, after the last breakup you didn’t feel like you were walking on egg shells around her. But now, in this last period, it became quite obvious to you. So perhaps you were deluding yourself and had a blind spot, which prevented you from noticing certain things? And at the same time, she probably got more and more demanding, and you more and more “obeying”, not to upset her.

    I know how to treat myself right and focus on myself it will come to me again soon enough. I have support for when I’m lonely and daydreaming. I am obviously upset but overall I’m coping. Still a bit of a shock to the system in saying that even after so many times.

    I am glad you have support, both of your friends and family, and that you know how to treat yourself well. Yes, you are doing the right steps! You can’t just expect to heal over night, it will take time. So be patient with yourself, but whatever you do, don’t allow to go too deep into daydreaming and beautifying the times when you were together.

    I will start writing some stuff down myself but any help would be greatly appreciated!

    Here it is, the list of “grievances” that you expressed about her. I did minimal edits, to make it as succinct as possible:

    1. Really did feel like it was all about her. A remote control car was a perfect analogy. She really did control everything including how I felt.
    2. I felt as if I couldn’t be myself and do what I want to do. She needed a caregiver 247 and when I wasn’t there for her it was again signs of me not loving her enough and her not getting what she was wanting.
    3. I feel quite attacked. My side was never considered and she would selfishly use me as a punching bag for her irrational behavior.
    4. I felt I was trapped and walking on egg shells, any word or action could set her off and cause me anxiety about what’s around the corner.
    5. It wasn’t a relationship that I wanted but I did tell myself and I push past this and deal with all the bad despite how it made me feel.
    6. The whole situation sucks. I’ve just woken up to what was happening and I also got over trying to fill a bottomless pit with my love.
    7. I lost myself in the process.
    8. I started seeing the signs of emotional abuse last week. This was definitely what I was experience as well as manipulation.
    9. I feel violated and taken advantage of.
    10. I was constantly told I wasn’t listening to her or understanding her needs. Yet I understood fully, however she didn’t understand mine.
    11. She would accuse me of not having my priorities right, expecting that she should be number 1 before anything else.
    12. I felt so trapped and alone the day before she left me. It’s because I was in the end.
    13. I was suffering in silence because of her mental instability.
    14. I felt as I couldn’t speak in fear of upsetting her or just being straight up rejected.
    15. I was relying on her for happiness in a lot of cases but I slowly started to feel alone towards the end.
    16. I lost myself trying to help her.
    17. I couldn’t constantly be responsible for how she was feeling. I never made her responsible for my feelings.
    18. It’s a shock to the system realizing I was being abused and manipulated a lot of the time.
    19. I felt the less I’d upset her the more I would be anxious on walking on egg shells. But when I spoke up I felt I was shut down and told I wasn’t listening to her.
    20. She took everything I said about her as an attack. All my comments about her getting work, her attitude etc were always taken personally and I was told not to bring it up. She use to say things along the lines of ‘I shouldn’t feel bad for feeling a certain way‘ , yet when I would say something similar it was unfair in her eyes. It was always a double standard.
    21. She didn’t want to change. She wanted to relationship to work around her and accommodate to her needs and wants.
    22. I am going to move on because that’s not what I want from a partner in the end. A relationship shouldn’t be that difficult. It was super toxic.
    23. She definitely used the break ups as a way to control me, whether she knew it or not. She knew I was readily available when she wanted.
    24. There was so many things, mostly innocent that triggered her. Whenever there was a disagreement her first reaction was to leave and it almost seemed like a power move to keep me on my toes.
    25. No time was any different, it honestly just got worse and spiraled out of control. All the false promises, still no work, still left, still unstable and the list goes on. Those few things should’ve been enough for me to leave.
    26. Leaving would’ve been a healthy reaction in the first place. It was all just a fantasy and in reality she was not good for me.
    27. I was trapped and got brought down by her disgusting moods.
    28. She blamed me for a lot. Made me feel worthless and like I was doing something wrong but it was her just taking anger out on me.
    29. She wanted me to know that I can’t pick and choose when I see her. I stopped asking for my own time after that.

    I hope it will help you stay on track!

    As for the childhood stuff, I am glad you had a good childhood and no bad memories. I don’t know why you would be susceptible like that, but there also could be external factors for our issues. It doesn’t necessarily have to do with our parents. You did mention once that you suffer from occasional anxiety, so perhaps there is something there to look at.

    Anyway, I wish you slow but steady progress and healing with his. Take care of yourself, be gentle on yourself. Post anytime!

     

    #418862
    Adam
    Participant

    I honestly think she will reach out one day and I won’t be able to tell if she is lying or has truly changed or atleast wants too. I give people my all and maybe it’s something to do with being to readily available that people table advantage of that fact.

    Okay so if she reaches out I’ll just ask how she is going and if she has a job or is doing therapy. Then maybe we could talk? Is that what your saying? I am trying to not linger on the possibility it’s just difficult after everything she has told me.

     

    She wanted to enjoy life without being medicated as she felt it would disconnect her a bit, I think that was her main reason so I was supportive of that. I understood.

    Everyone is telling me she will grow and mature then come to notice how committed and caring you really were. I think this in itself gives me hope and causes wishful thinking. I told her myself I would do it all over again. She will struggling with relationships, not many people could put up with her I think and would do the healthy thing and leave much before I did. I still catch myself wanting to look at her social media etc. I don’t want to block her though for some reason, like if I do block her she won’t message me, almost like I’m holding on it still. I feel bad about how I left our final message, I only said goodbye and time we go out separate ways. I was quite blunt and my friend said there’s no hope so just be firm with her. However I regret not saying more now but that would’ve probably just created more turmoil.

    I think it just got worse as time went on, last time I was really devastated and blinded by love. I felt like it was something I did. She was also in a very bad spot in her life and she still is I think this is another reason why I want to be there for her, although I was told I wasn’t.
    I don’t understand this attachment fully but it’s hard to process and deal with.

    Thanks for the list Tee, I will write some of these downs and add onto my own!

    I do suffer from anxiety and it’s always at its highest when I’m dealing with break ups. I always feel so on edge after them and struggle to move on.

    #418865
    Adam
    Participant

    I will definitely keep posting here, I do really enjoy talking about it in an odd way. Some of my friends actually told me to just drop as it was getting quite old for them. I can understand where they are coming from as they see the situation from a different perspective and don’t have that investment that I did. They can see that she was no good for me but I still miss her. I almost feel like I’m chasing a high and I would go through those lows just for that high again.

    You spoke about being down and daydreaming earlier, I spoke to my psych about a similar thing. I almost enjoy that feeling a bit as it is real pain and it not something I always experience. It’s like I force my mind to really feel the emotions and dig deep to bring it all up at times like this. However it can be destructive if I delve into it too much.

    I was thinking today how the relationship changed overtime and how it got worse after each break up. It’s like I was punished for being comfortable around her and towards the end I wasn’t comfortable but I still didn’t want to loose her at any time during our relationship. People don’t know what they have until they loose it, I think is the quote. I feel like I knew what I had and that I could loose it very easily.

     

    Considering what some of my friends have said do you think it will come to a point where I am just holding onto nothing and talking about it too much? Have I already crossed that point? My friends were very supportive and I guess they think talking about it isn’t helping me heal sometimes as I go too deep into it.

     

    #418869
    Tee
    Participant

    Hi Adam,

    you’re welcome!

    I almost feel like I’m chasing a high and I would go through those lows just for that high again.

    Yes, she had an effect on you like a drug – caused you to feel high at times, but was destructive for you on the long run. Staying with her was ruining your life.

    You spoke about being down and daydreaming earlier, I spoke to my psych about a similar thing. I almost enjoy that feeling a bit as it is real pain and it not something I always experience. It’s like I force my mind to really feel the emotions and dig deep to bring it all up at times like this

    Okay, so are you saying that without her, you would feel flat, you wouldn’t really feel all that much? And so being on a roller-coaster with her, with emotional ups and downs, is still better for you than feeling dull? Being with her allows you to feel deeply?

    I was thinking today how the relationship changed overtime and how it got worse after each break up. It’s like I was punished for being comfortable around her and towards the end I wasn’t comfortable but I still didn’t want to loose her at any time during our relationship.

    You were punished for being honest with her, for telling her what you think she should change. She didn’t want to be told what she is doing wrong, or how she is hurting you. You were punished for that honesty, for speaking your mind.

    People don’t know what they have until they loose it, I think is the quote. I feel like I knew what I had and that I could loose it very easily.

    Well, what you had was a girl with untreated mental health issues. She stopped taking medicine and thought she could manage on her own, but she couldn’t. It resulted in those “horrible moods”, as you called it.

    As for knowing you could lose her – well yes, you knew you could lose her easily because she was breaking up with you frequently. She used that to control you.

    So you had a girl with untreated mental health issues, who basically blamed you for being upset about her moods, and wanted you to stay silent. And she managed.

    That’s the reality of your relationship, Adam. If I may be honest with you: you didn’t have much, and you didn’t want to lose the little that you had.

    Considering what some of my friends have said do you think it will come to a point where I am just holding onto nothing and talking about it too much?

    Well, you do see it in a distorted way, through rose-colored glasses. You believe you had a lot, whereas in reality, you didn’t. You didn’t lose much either, because if you read the above list, there was a lot of abuse in your relationship. You were getting only bread crumbs. But you were sticking to fantasy of how it might be some day, when she is healed.

    She wanted to enjoy life without being medicated as she felt it would disconnect her a bit, I think that was her main reason so I was supportive of that. I understood.

    But was she enjoying life? As far as I understood, she was as miserable as ever, frequently getting into those moods, accusing you of not being supportive enough. That’s not a good life, but suffering, both for her and for you.

    Everyone is telling me she will grow and mature then come to notice how committed and caring you really were. I think this in itself gives me hope and causes wishful thinking.

    I think people try to console you and so they say whatever they think might make you feel better. But telling you that she will grow and mature and you then can be happy together is feeding into your fantasy. It’s not helpful at all.

    First, it’s not true because we don’t know if she will grow and mature – she might spend many years trying to “heal herself” but not getting anywhere. You don’t want to keep fantasizing about a day when she will finally get better. You don’t want to make your happiness dependent on her – because that’s what you have been doing all this time, and this is the result. You don’t want to put your life on pause, waiting for her to get better.

    I told her myself I would do it all over again.

    And that’s a problem. That you would be willing to do it again, knowing how hurt you were this time round.

    Don’t get me wrong – I do understand you, Adam. I know how emotional wounds can make us blind and can make us work against our best interests. I know how bad we may want something that is bad for us, believing it will make us happy.

    But I think you’d need to work on the reasons of this attachment, this sticking to fantasy, rather than accepting reality. You said you felt alive while on an emotional roller coaster with her, so perhaps that’s something to look into? Perhaps sometimes you feel numb and out of touch with your feelings, and being with her allowed you to feel fully?

     

    #418870
    Adam
    Participant

    She did allow me to feel the deepest feelings I’ve had in my life. When it comes to a romantic partner atleast. I am proud of myself for how good of a lover and partner I was even if we didn’t always see eye to eye.

    You explained that very well and it puts it into perspective when you say “So you had a girl with untreated mental health issues, who basically blamed you for being upset about her moods, and wanted you to stay silent. And she managed”

     

    The list is very long and it did shock me how that’s not even half of it.
    No she wasn’t enjoying life at all she was in a terrible spot and it affecting the whole relationship.

    I am still processing it and realizing that it’s actually over for the best. I can feel small improvements slowly coming. I daydream not as much as last time we split.

    Maybe it does have something to do with being able to fully feel. Like I said earlier it was the most I’ve ever felt. I really was on cloud nine at times.

    #419019
    Adam
    Participant

    I feel as though I am taking steps in the right direction most of the time. I am thinking about it a lot still but it’s not all fantasizing. I think I am finding it difficult with attachment because as an individual she definitely had certain things I liked in terms of a partner. But the mental instability and unresolved trauma was obviously the parts I didn’t like but couldn’t take away.

    The other things making it difficult is knowing I actually did try everything. I changed a lot, I wrote letter, poems, supported her, did things she liked, reasoned with her and put lots of effort in. I am also proud of this just knowing how much I can do for someone is a good feeling. It’s also nice knowing that’s how I am as a person.

    Lastly it just feels bad realizing that she didn’t love me the same way I did to her. But that’s okay because I know I will receive the same love one day.

    I have been writing down a lot of the bad things and it should’ve been such a red flag as to how fragile and insecure she was. I remember one time I picked a movie that was about child abuse in a church. She freaked out straight away and asked me if that’s what I’m into and why I would be interested in a movie like that. So she was basically accusing me of being a pedophile or atleast had thoughts of it because I chose a movie based on the topic. I figured it was all just related to her trauma. But looking back now I see how sensitive she was.

    Anyway I just thought I would post again to get some stuff off my chest. I’m writing down goals in my notes and I have a good list so far!

    #419020
    Tee
    Participant

    Hi Adam,

    I am glad you resonated with that description of your relationship, and that it puts things into perspective. I do believe it is close to the truth.

    No she wasn’t enjoying life at all she was in a terrible spot and it affecting the whole relationship.

    Yes, so by quitting her medication and choosing the “do it yourself” route, she actually made things worse. I can imagine that doing it alone, without professional help, rarely works out. It’s a pity that she didn’t want to see that and is most likely delaying her healing.

    I am still processing it and realizing that it’s actually over for the best. I can feel small improvements slowly coming. I daydream not as much as last time we split.

    I am glad you can actually think of this breakup as something not so terrible, and that you’re daydreaming less than the last time. Try to stay anchored in your rational self, who can see the reality. If you start drifting into daydreaming, you can pull up that list of grievances, to serve as a metaphorical splash of cold water on your face. (You may even splash your face with cold water for real, if you think it would help you stay real and not drift away into fantasy).

    She did allow me to feel the deepest feelings I’ve had in my life. When it comes to a romantic partner atleast. I am proud of myself for how good of a lover and partner I was even if we didn’t always see eye to eye.

    Good! Please don’t forget that you did your best and are not responsible for how it ended.

    Maybe it does have something to do with being able to fully feel. Like I said earlier it was the most I’ve ever felt. I really was on cloud nine at times.

    When we feel a very strong longing and attraction for someone, it’s often because they fill a hole in our being, they possess something we believe we don’t, and we believe this “something” will make us complete. So perhaps she had a quality you admired and believed you yourself don’t possess?

    You wrote that you previous girlfriends were not as laid back, and that you had to walk on egg shells around them. (I probably wasn’t very considerate during my first couple relationships. They would definitely frustrate me a lot with their own problems which is harsh to say. …. I did feel like I was stepping on eggshells with them. They were not as laid back). It turned out that this girl made you walk on egg shells too, eventually. But perhaps in the beginning she seemed more laid back?

     

    #419021
    Tee
    Participant

    Hi Adam,

    I’ve seen your second post only after I’ve submitted mine.

    I am happy to hear that you’re analyzing your relationship from a more rational, objective perspective, without being swept by emotions.

    I think I am finding it difficult with attachment because as an individual she definitely had certain things I liked in terms of a partner.

    What are the qualities she had that you cherish in a partner?

    The other things making it difficult is knowing I actually did try everything. I changed a lot, I wrote letter, poems, supported her, did things she liked, reasoned with her and put lots of effort in. I am also proud of this just knowing how much I can do for someone is a good feeling. It’s also nice knowing that’s how I am as a person.

    Great! So you are reframing this experience not as a failure (“I did everything, but nothing helped”), but as a proof of how good and caring partner you are. That’s the right attitude!

    Lastly it just feels bad realizing that she didn’t love me the same way I did to her. But that’s okay because I know I will receive the same love one day.

    Also a great attitude! You’re realizing it’s not your fault that she didn’t love you enough, but it’s her own limitations.

    I remember one time I picked a movie that was about child abuse in a church. She freaked out straight away and asked me if that’s what I’m into and why I would be interested in a movie like that. So she was basically accusing me of being a pedophile or atleast had thoughts of it because I chose a movie based on the topic.

    If she was sexually abused, it would have been triggering for her. But accusing you of being a pedophile is definitely an overreaction and not fair.

    Anyway I just thought I would post again to get some stuff off my chest. I’m writing down goals in my notes and I have a good list so far!

    Fantastic! I am glad you’re looking towards the future. Just keep posting and sharing here, for as long as you need…

     

    #419028
    Adam
    Participant

    Hey Tee,

     

    Yes doing it alone didn’t help her I think. It put more pressure on me as well to always be there. She didn’t have many friends, her best friend ghosted her a lot and ditched plans. I think this again put more weight on me as I was expected to be there for her when a friend wasn’t despite what’s happening in my life.

    I have been day dreaming a bit but my ration self does exist and I know it’s always there I just have to learn to use it more and train myself. It really does feel like it’s over this time so I know I need to go all the way and move on completely. It was a terrible experience but it was also one where I learned valuable lessons. But I can’t actually think of these lessons I learned right now. Could you help me with writing some of these down? I guess one lesson I learned is I think to be firm, honest and  stand my ground regardless of how the other person is feeling or being scared of triggering them.

    She had a lot of qualities I admired. She was very Loving at times, spontaneous, had interesting hobbies. Just to name a few. I almost liked how she had highs and lows to a certain degree. I feel when I am my normal best self I am just in the middle ground. Just balanced. I was very comfortable around her at times.
    I’m not sure what quality she may have had that I don’t possess.

    She definitely did seem more laid back in the beginning. Almost like she was expecting more and more as time went on. I remember her asking about moving in with me I said not at first but she would still be over a lot, about 6 days. She got very upset. However when I moved out she didn’t want to spend more time together it seemed. She would go home and start arguments about how we don’t spend quality time and other things. However I was always open to doing different things which we did early on. As time went on it got stale and I don’t think she was enjoying life in general so she didn’t want to do anything it seemed like at times.

    I am actually finding it hard to think of more qualities. I want to say she was honest and caring but she wasn’t all the time. It was a lot of chaos with her. I guess she actually fun and she got me out doing different things. We went camping a lot which I hadn’t done since I was a kid. She was very crafty and made necklaces, collected shells which we would do together. She was a bit childish which I liked and I think she brought out my inner child. Maybe that’s what I liked about her and what I’m attached too.

    #419042
    Tee
    Participant

    Hi Adam,

    Yes doing it alone didn’t help her I think. It put more pressure on me as well to always be there. She didn’t have many friends, her best friend ghosted her a lot and ditched plans. I think this again put more weight on me as I was expected to be there for her when a friend wasn’t despite what’s happening in my life.

    I see… so you were the only reliable person in her life, and she relied on you for everything. Not just to regulate her moods but also to spend time with her, whenever she was idling or her friend ghosted her or cancelled their plans.

    It was a terrible experience but it was also one where I learned valuable lessons. But I can’t actually think of these lessons I learned right now. Could you help me with writing some of these down? I guess one lesson I learned is I think to be firm, honest and stand my ground regardless of how the other person is feeling or being scared of triggering them.

    Yes, I think that’s one lesson you’ve learned: to respect your own needs and not to overwrite them just because someone is expecting it from you or guilt tripping you about it.  So, respect your own needs and boundaries.

    Second, beware if the person is possessive and expects that everything in your life revolves around them. This also means that you can’t have hobbies and interests of your own, you can’t do what you enjoy, unless you get permission from the other person. So if you can’t maintain a degree of freedom – that’s a warning sign.

    Third and perhaps the most important lesson is not to get involved with someone whom you can’t accept as they are, e.g. with someone who is suffering from depression, anxiety, or addiction, which you expect they will heal from, but aren’t there yet. Don’t get involved with someone with major trauma, whom you then try to “rescue” and “help heal”. If you can’t accept your partner as they are and feel they should heal first in order to function normally – don’t get involved with them.

    Fourth, if the person is blaming you and doesn’t want to take responsibility for their own moods, behaviors and life situation – that’s toxic. Don’t allow blame and guilt tripping. Be open to feedback though and willing to correct your own mistakes, but if the only thing you get is blame, that’s not healthy.

    Fifth, if the person is telling you one thing but doing the opposite, beware of that. If they give you promises, but with their actions they don’t honor those promises, that’s a warning sign too.

    These five lessons is what comes to mind so far. What do you think? Is that something you think you’ve learned?

    She definitely did seem more laid back in the beginning. Almost like she was expecting more and more as time went on.

    You actually said she was smoking pot when you two met, so perhaps that’s one of the reasons she seemed more laid back? But then she stopped smoking, pretty quickly you said, possibly because she had you as her “mood regulator”? And then her traumatized self began to come out more and more, with more and more demands, frequent breakups, trying to control you etc.

    I remember her asking about moving in with me I said not at first but she would still be over a lot, about 6 days. She got very upset. However when I moved out she didn’t want to spend more time together it seemed. She would go home and start arguments about how we don’t spend quality time and other things. However I was always open to doing different things which we did early on. As time went on it got stale and I don’t think she was enjoying life in general so she didn’t want to do anything it seemed like at times.

    I am not sure I understood this right: are you saying she got upset when you didn’t let her move in with you? Although you were spending a lot of time together, 6 days in a week. So whenever she would go home, she was complaining that you’re not spending quality time together, and she refused to go to trips together like you did in the beginning. If this is what was happening, it seems she was punishing you for not letting her move in, and so she refused to do stuff together. Instead, she was complaining a lot and guilt tripping you most of the time.

    It could also be that her quitting her medication played a role too, and so she became more and more agitated and unable to control her moods. And she mostly took it out on you – so you became her punching bag, as you said.

    She had a lot of qualities I admired. She was very Loving at times, spontaneous, had interesting hobbies. Just to name a few. I almost liked how she had highs and lows to a certain degree. I feel when I am my normal best self I am just in the middle ground. Just balanced. I was very comfortable around her at times.

    I guess she actually fun and she got me out doing different things. We went camping a lot which I hadn’t done since I was a kid. She was very crafty and made necklaces, collected shells which we would do together. She was a bit childish which I liked and I think she brought out my inner child. Maybe that’s what I liked about her and what I’m attached too.

    Yes, this seems like a theme: you admiring her playfulness, spontaneity, childlike nature and passion for things. You told me you don’t know what your passions are… So it could be that you suppressed some of your inner child, and you mostly feel “balanced”. But perhaps this “balanced” is also a bit dull – like not really passionate or excited about anything?

    You said you are focused on your job and house, i.e. that you’re working hard, which enabled you to buy a house, right? That’s very admirable and a totally valid goal to pursue. However, maybe in striving for success and being a successful adult, perhaps you forgot to play and enjoy things along the way? Maybe you somewhat suppressed your playful, spontaneous and passionate inner child?

    Anyway, this is just an idea…. Let me know if it resonates?

     

    #419054
    Adam
    Participant

    Hey Tee

    Yes I would’ve been one of the main people in her life. She only had a couple friends and she compared our relationships at times. I remember her bringing up how they would spend all this time together yet the situations were different as they were actually living and had a more stable relationship, work etc.

    Whenever plans fell through or a friend ditched her it was up to me to be there. After She saw friends I was to be there as well.

    So respect my needs and boundaries. Maintain a degree of freedom. Don’t try rescue. Don’t allow blaming and guilt tripping. Be warned by double standards. Is that a decent summary of the lessons?

    I’m not sure of this third lesson. I feel like I did accept her for who she was. I understood her trauma, mental issues and needs to the best of my ability. It was almost as though she didn’t accept me. Do you mean don’t get into a relationship with someone who isn’t healed fully. I’m not sure if she was even trying to actually heal, I think she wanted too but was actually bottling it all up.

    I don’t know if I’ve actually learned these lessons yet and I’m worried I may not. Last time we split up she got very emotional 3 weeks later when she realized I was still caring. I am so tempted to show her that I still am but I think it’s just a lost cause… I don’t know why I still do and why I still would want this person even after everything we have spoken about I still feel a strong connection.

    I think she did seem a bit more content and laid back. I feel like smoking does make us a lot more satisfied despite what’s going on. I was definitely a mood regulator and expected to bring her up when she was down. It was what a partner is meant to do. She would tell me sometimes things  like “your meant to bring me up not push me down”.

    Right as I moved out she told her parents she was going to move out with me but we hadn’t even spoken about it. I told her look at first I would like time to settle in but she will be over majority of the time and staying with me just not actually living there. As she didn’t have work and I wanted to settle in.
    So when I did move out and had a free house it was like nothing changed and she wasn’t actually there any more then she was when I was at home. Arguably she started spending more time at home. She had lots of trouble sleeping and she hated sleeping at my place because she would be up until early in the morning then sleep in. Where as I would fall asleep straight away and leave for work early.
    Im not sure of the point I’m trying to make it was more just a realization that she may have been the one that couldn’t have actually spent all her time with me.

    I think quitting her medication played a huge role. In saying that she left me many times before she started tapering off her anti depressant medication. It just felt as though it got more chaotic and colder whenever we split up once she started reducing.

    I admire those things a lot and do feel like sometimes I am not spontaneous in particular. It is a little bit dull I don’t get really excited about much at all, especially right now. I was happy before I met her. Working, seeing friends, playing video games and keeping healthy and fit. Simple but balanced. I thought it was time for a partner and I feel like I’m ready. I thought she was the one but I was fooled.

    It does resonate. I think I look for childishness and spontaneity in a partner as it it something I feel I lack when I’m single and alone.

    #419056
    Adam
    Participant

    I am struggling to not beautify the relationship. I know it was quite toxic, manipulative and controlling. But I just have that feeling within me that I could’ve made anything work with this person. Almost as if it’s meant to be for a reason and we will reconnect. I know this isn’t a good mindstate to have but I am having trouble actually fully moving on and deleting her from my life.

    It really hurts and I’ve been trying my best to accept it more what it was I am just finding it hard.

    #419059
    Adam
    Participant

    Speaking more on passion, the hard work that led to the house was obviously a big goal of mine. I think gaming has something to do with my inner child as it’s all I did as a kid. And maybe that’s why I felt lost when I couldn’t use it as an escape in the relationship as often as I would have liked. She obviously didn’t feel involved either. She felt neglected whenever I would go on the computer so majority if the relationship I didn’t when I was actually with her.

    I am a landscaper by trade so I enjoy the outdoors and gardening. We did lots of terrariums and indoor planting together which was really fun to do as a couple so I will continue do so myself. She seemed very driven with her macrame, necklaces etc. she would be up until ridiculous hours just sitting there doing it. I liked that she enjoyed it and it was also an interesting passion. Maybe that’s also what I adored on top of her being childish and spontaneous. But I adored how she had a real love for her passion.

    #419068
    Tee
    Participant

    Hi Adam,

    I am struggling to not beautify the relationship. I know it was quite toxic, manipulative and controlling. But I just have that feeling within me that I could’ve made anything work with this person. Almost as if it’s meant to be for a reason and we will reconnect.

    I know how hard it is to let go when we believe we’re meant to be with someone. That’s the worst. I’ve experienced it myself once and it was devastating. But I’ve learned since that my strong attachment to this person came from my own unmet needs. I believed this person possessed some qualities that I don’t, and that together we can complement each other. And that this will help me fulfill my “mission” in life. So I saw this person as a prerequisite for me fulfilling my mission. And I believed that without them, I would fail. That’s what made it so hard to let go of them, and felt like the end of the world.

    So I believe that in the large majority of cases when we feel a strong attachment and believe the relationships is “destined”, it’s actually our deepest longings and fears that drive us. In short, we believe we need this person to be happy and fulfilled. And that without them, there is no way we can be that. That’s what I think is behind the intense longing. But of course, it’s not true. It’s a false belief.

    And perhaps for you, this “something” you believe you won’t have without her, and that you’re desperately missing, is spontaneity, playfulness and passion:

    I admire those things a lot and do feel like sometimes I am not spontaneous in particular.

    I think I look for childishness and spontaneity in a partner as it it something I feel I lack when I’m single and alone.

    I adored how she had a real love for her passion.

    It could be that somewhere along the way, you lost (or rather, suppressed) those qualities, which are inherent in every child. I noticed you said gaming was the only thing you did as a child:

    I think gaming has something to do with my inner child as it’s all I did as a kid.

    Would you like to say a bit more about this? Does it mean you haven’t spent much time with your parents, doing fun stuff, but were mostly at home, at your computer? If so, I can see how this is not very conducive to a child developing their passion and interests.

    So respect my needs and boundaries. Maintain a degree of freedom. Don’t try rescue. Don’t allow blaming and guilt tripping. Be warned by double standards. Is that a decent summary of the lessons?

    Yes, that’s an excellent summary – straight to the point! 🙂

    I’m not sure of this third lesson. I feel like I did accept her for who she was. I understood her trauma, mental issues and needs to the best of my ability. It was almost as though she didn’t accept me. Do you mean don’t get into a relationship with someone who isn’t healed fully. I’m not sure if she was even trying to actually heal, I think she wanted too but was actually bottling it all up.

    Well, you’ve been nudging her to get a job, seek therapy, get her life in order. You were not wrong for expecting those things from your partner. However, you were wrong in pushing her to become a good enough partner for you – because she wasn’t able to and didn’t show any interest in healing. So you got fixated on her and changing her (or waiting till she decides to change).

    That was a wrong approach. You should have realized that you can’t change a person if they don’t want to change. And also, that it’s unhealthy to stay with someone who is abusive and doesn’t meet some basic requirements of what you consider a good partner.

    So, to summarize: your desire to have a relatively healthy and stable partner, who isn’t suffering from major trauma, is a legitimate one. However, your attempts to make her into that healthy and stable partner (or the expectation that she would make herself into that partner) was mistaken.

    I don’t know if I’ve actually learned these lessons yet and I’m worried I may not.

    It could be, because the heart’s longing overwrites what we rationally know. Desire is a potent force. But as I said above, this desire is born out of our own wounds and false beliefs. If you believe she is your destiny, it will be incredibly hard to let go.

    Last time we split up she got very emotional 3 weeks later when she realized I was still caring. I am so tempted to show her that I still am but I think it’s just a lost cause… I don’t know why I still do and why I still would want this person even after everything we have spoken about I still feel a strong connection.

    Again, I think the explanation is like the one I mentioned above: strong desire born out of your unmet needs and false beliefs. I can tell you that I too had a hard time blocking that person whom I thought I was destined to be with. It was like letting go of something so true and precious… And I was so totally wrong!

    So I encourage you to stay strong and not reach out, and to actually unfollow her (if you can’t block her). Because like this, you’re staying connected with her, like with an umbilical cord, and it makes it so much harder for you to start healing.

     

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