Home→Forums→Tough Times→My extreme feelings kill me
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December 16, 2019 at 9:11 am #327959
GaiaParticipantSeeing a reflection of self in my parents wasn’t something I quite much considered. What confuses me is that when I was little I didn’t really have a bad consideration of my mom, even thought I’m revealing flaws or bad aspects in her parenting that I really didn’t in my childhood. Definitely I already sensed heaviness and toxicity in her so that might have definitely influenced my moods and sense of self today. Don’t know if I already told it, but in my inner healing journey, I came to the conclusion that what my inner child/child self lack(ed) was joy and lightness. Something pretty much never granted from such a melodramatic mother but that should be a basic right/need for every child, cause children need to be light-hearted and carefree. Even thought inside of me I don’t feel like an adult yet, despite being physically adult, I neither see myself and neither saw myself as carefree or light-hearted, not even as a child
December 16, 2019 at 9:31 am #327967
AnonymousGuestDear Gaia:
“What confuses me is that when I was little I didn’t really have a bad consideration of my mom”- no young child has a bad consideration of her mother/ parent. Young children view their parents as gods, perfect, all-good, all-capable entities. If you understood what I just stated as the universal, no exceptions truth that it is, you wouldn’t be confused.
“I already sensed heaviness and toxicity in her so that might have definitely influenced my moods and sense of self today”- no doubt about it. As a young child you sensed her heaviness and it made you feel bad. You didn’t consider at the time that there is something wrong with your mother, you figured there was something wrong with you!
As an older child, a teenager, you can see that she is not god, that there is something wrong with her. Unfortunately you are already invested in the belief (that OBoM) that there is something wrong with you! But originally, when you formed that belief, there was nothing wrong with you!
“My inner child/ child.. lacked.. joy and lightness.. children need to be light-hearted and carefree”- true, children need that so that they can learn and explore life. Heavy, children turn inward and isolate; light, children turn outward, explore and socialize.
anita
December 16, 2019 at 10:42 am #327975AnonymousGuestDear Gaia:
I want to talk to you a bit about memory and how confusing it is when as adults we try to remember our lives as young children.
As young children we didn’t have the vocabulary we have now, neither did we have the psychology/ self help books terms and information that we acquired later on. As young children we experienced mostly raw emotions (not elaborate thoughts). Fast forward, as older teenagers and adults, we don’t remember how we felt then because we didn’t hold those feelings- at the time- inside words and terms.
But as adults, even though we don’t remember how we felt then, we keep feeling the same way.
At 18 (first thread, July 2016) a part of you knows that your trouble started early, way before you were a teenager: “I’m .. 18 years old girl who Always struggled with self confidence and self-love” – the word always is there, with a capital A. Meaning when you were a young child you suffered. You didn’t have the word and term confidence, and self love available to you as a young child. What you did have was the emotional pain that you still feel.
May 2018 (19 or 20): “I seek for what was Always wrong with me”- once again, the word always, with a capital A. This means that as a young child you felt that there was something wrong with you. You didn’t have elaborate thoughts, maybe you didn’t have the word “wrong” in your mind. But you did have the painful emotion, feeling wrong.
Here it is again: “since ever I remember, I’m pretty short-fused and easy to annoy/ anger”- since ever, since you were a young child.
And here it is again, September 2019: “I feel like I was born angry or easily triggered.. I remember pulling my dolls hair in spite or getting angry”- early on, angry, pulling your dolls hair.
So you see, it is not that you became angry as a teenager, “mostly talking about my peers.. not related to my mother”- your anger existed very early on, when you were a young child, pulling your dolls hair. And later, you started pulling your own hair. We keep feeling what we felt then, and we even do what we did then. As a young child you pulled your dolls’ hair; as a teenager and a young adult, you have been pulling your own hair.
anita
December 16, 2019 at 2:19 pm #327991GaiaParticipantSo what am I supposed to do to release all this pent up anger? Besides, I’m done and sick with being labelled constantly as the “angry person” I’m a bit afraid is happening in this threat too, or maybe it’s just my own projections I don’t know.
December 16, 2019 at 3:35 pm #328003AnonymousGuestDear Gaia:
I didn’t understand what you mean by “I’m a bit afraid is happening in this threat too, or maybe it’s just my own projections”- you mean in this thread (not threat).. or is it the same, to you?
What is it that you may be projecting?
anita
December 17, 2019 at 1:25 am #328091GaiaParticipantI mean that I seem defined by my anger or my anger issues everywhere I go, but this has more to do with how I feel personally than someone else really defining me (I hope it makes sense!) Just like I also feel defined by my clumsiness, detachment, incapacity or invisibility in interpersonal settings. Soon or later someone will point out these things in me whether explicitly or not and so my interactions always follow same patterns and feelings
December 17, 2019 at 1:26 am #328093GaiaParticipantI tried to explain it the best I can. It’s not always easy for me to explain fully and in detail what I feel or think
December 17, 2019 at 8:47 am #328133AnonymousGuestDear Gaia:
You wrote about being defined by others (others include me, I am guessing), being defined by your “anger… clumsiness, detachment, incapacity or invisibility in interpersonal settings”, and that your “interactions always follow same patterns and feelings” because of you being defined by others. Labeled is another word you used before, and placed-I-a-box is a term you used before.
You don’t like to be defined, labeled, place in a box.
Did I understand correctly, and if I did, how would you like me to interact with you differently, so that you don’t feel that i define/label/put you in a box, what would I need to do differently?
anita
December 17, 2019 at 12:06 pm #328165GaiaParticipantI guess I feel like I am considered difficult or weird to handle and this gets projected on others. I have an image of how others may see me all the time with all kinds of unpleasant considerations others may use. In the past I had people who gave me the impression to trying to give me advices and support while actually being condescending and using faux consideration to subtly put me down or treat me like trash, I guess this always sticks with me in my mind
December 17, 2019 at 1:31 pm #328181AnonymousGuestDear Gaia:
If I understand correctly, you sometimes think that I think to myself: Gaia is “difficult or weird to handle”, and that I think little of you and that sometimes I put you down, treating you condescendingly.
If I understood correctly, then what I can tell you now is that I don’t think little of you. Truth is I think a lot of you- that you are very intelligent and you have in you all that it takes to live a good life (after some work over time).
Sometimes I don’t enjoy communicating with you, but then it is true for me regarding communicating with almost everyone (it being not always enjoyable, and sometimes unpleasant), but overall I am very content about our communication, I learn a lot from it and I like to learn.
Also, even though your “extreme feelings kill (you)”, title of your thread, you practice excellent self control here on your thread: you answered other members kindly, every time, and you never mistreated me in the context of your threads, and this makes it possible for me to communicate with you.
anita
December 18, 2019 at 1:54 am #328349GaiaParticipantI hope this thread isn’t becoming a burden to you or something you’re forced into. I like it and communication with you cause I’ve gained some really meaningful perspective on myself and others around me, if there is something I can better to make it more “enjoyable” for you let me know!
December 18, 2019 at 6:21 am #328379AnonymousGuestDear Gaia:
You just made it more enjoyable for me by offering to do something to make our communication .. more enjoyable to me. This is amazing, I am impressed. Not only are you very intelligent in the way you think and express your thoughts, you are also socially- intelligent. (I can almost “hear” you in my mind saying: no, I am not, you are just making it up, etc.)
-but you just reciprocated my offer to you from yesterday (“how would you like me to interact with you differently, so that you don’t feel that I define/label/put you in a box, what would I need to do differently?”), with your offer to me: “if there is something I can (do) better to make it more ‘enjoyable’ for you let me know!”-
that takes social intelligence, to do that, social skill, is another term.
Yes, you can do something to make it more enjoyable to me:
When you feel that I told you (typed, more accurately) something condescending to you, or I just put you down and treated you “like trash” or otherwise said something to you that I don’t mean, that is insincere, let me know what it is, quote that part or parts in my post to you and tell me what about it made you think or feel that it was condescending or insincere etc.
When you do that, I will respond and give you a chance to see what I typed to you in a different way, the way I meant it!
And if I do type something condescending to you, if that was my sentiment when I typed something to you, I will let you know of it and we’ll take it from there.
Feel free to let me know what I can do to make our communication better for you.
anita
December 18, 2019 at 2:12 pm #328461GaiaParticipantlet me know what it is, quote that part or parts in my post to you and tell me what about it made you think or feel that it was condescending or insincere etc.
I certainly will, thanks! By the way, I feel very shitty today. I just realized I spent a whole day doing pretty much nothing. Sometimes it shocks me how hours do pass me by like this. I try to study, or hang out, do my chores but then my mind shifts away to nowhere in particular
December 18, 2019 at 2:29 pm #328467AnonymousGuestDear Gaia;
You have to be kind to yourself, not give yourself a hard time because you wasted time, your mind “shifts away to nowhere in particular” because that’s its habit. Habits keep to maintain themselves. Same is true to me. My therapists called those kinds of habits (the mind shifts to nowhere in particular, zoning out, etc.) “habits of the mind”.
I will be away for a couple of hours or so.
anita
December 19, 2019 at 5:57 am #328519GaiaParticipantI try to break the habit but it’s hard. Sometimes I just get apathetic or lethargic and I cant shake it.
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