Hi guys,

really interesting forum as i went through the exact same thing – if not only worse. I realized it was my fiancé all along and i blamed everyone else for our breakup (esp his family). I made plenty of mistakes, but he lead me on till the last moment, humiliated me and cut me off. They were so incredibly mean, and unforgiving. I have come to terms with it and definitely learnt a lot from it. I wonder what happened with Bubba – I hope she’s at a better place.

Dear Bubba:

Welcome back to your thread. I went back and read all your posts, beginning almost a year ago, March 2017 (I did not read my/others’ replies to you).

You wrote in your recent post: “I feel stuck, I feel sick and have no inspiration when it comes to relationships”. I wonder if I can provide you with any help that will encourage you somehow to get unstuck. Maybe I can, since I read your posts slowly  and thoroughly. I will respond to what you wrote in your recent post and refer in my responses to what I learned from pervious posts.

You wrote: “it was him. He had a choice”- for a long time earlier you held on to this position (April 8): “We were perfect for each other but his parents split us up”. It was his choice although it is most likely also true that he was heavily influenced by his parents’ input.

And it is true that you were not perfect for each other, not at any time.

You wrote: “someone (him) who could hurt a person so cruelly without a reason and so unexpectedly”- no doubt you were hurt, still are, no doubt some of his behavior was inconsiderate at best, hurtful at worst. But his breaking up the engagement and the relationship was not without a reason nor was it unexpected. I will soon elaborate on this.

You wrote: “He lured me into his life… what a monster he is”- you were fully responsible for moving to where he was, sacrificing what you did so to live with him. You  had 50% responsibility for arguing with him repeatedly, before and after his parents’ input. He is probably not a monster, an all-bad creature.

More of my input: his parents as well as him cared a lot about money, very frugal. This has been a significant issue all along, one that you didn’t fully acknowledge. In that way, the two of you were definitely incompatible (something he told you, that the two of you were not compatible).

The arguments, which I understand started long before his parents’ involvement, were a big problem which make the breakup not sudden or unexpected. This is also something, I believe, that you did not adequately acknowledged. You had a tough time when you moved in with him, having sacrificed your job and otherwise, so to live with him. During that time you argued a lot and those arguments were tough on him, not only on you. These arguments and the arguments about his parents, were a big reason for him breaking up with you.

I understand your frustration, of course, with his parents, but there is no denying the fact that those arguments hurt your efforts to proceed with the marriage, that if that was your goal, to get married, then arguing was ineffective and harmful to your goal.

He was selfish when he did lure you to having sex with him after the breakup. That was hurtful and inconsiderate on his part, having encouraged you that way to hope for a getting back together while it reads to me that his mind was made up.

You kept repeating in previous threads that he was brainwashed by his parents, suggesting that they were responsible for the breakup. Children, into adulthood, are heavily influenced by their parents but one cannot hold adults not responsible for their choices because way too many adults are heavily influenced by their parents, and if not held responsible, then hardly anyone would be held responsible for their actions, legally and otherwise.

If you would like, let me know if any of this is helpful.

anita

Dear Bubba:

Please do vent here, anytime. This is your thread. I wish you weren’t hurting.

anita

Dear Bubba:

I wish he didn’t text you. Is there a way from you to block him, so you can’t get texts, emails, phone calls from him?

I understand your hurt and anger, and do hope you feel better soon!

How is your life otherwise?

anita

Thank you ladies for taking the time to reply to me.

You both give me hope that I too one day can get to a point where I no longer picture my life with him, where simple things don’t remind me of him. Or even just to a point where I don’t cry and sulk every other moment of the day.

For now I guess I’ve just gotta accept that it is hard and it probably will be for the next few months!

Bubba,

Its nice to hear from you again & im sorry that he’s contacted you after such a long time!

You’re right, he has probably realised that he will never have what he had with you and had you given him the option to explore that by going into further conversation with you, you’d see that he wants to reconcile! It’s a shame it’s just too little too late!

The fact that you are able to swiftly move past this is amazing and I hope I get there one day. And the fact that you think you may have officially fallen out of love with him is just amazing! You give me hope! You go girl!

Better that he left!

A similar situation happened to me as well, except he suddenly showed up less than a month to the wedding telling me that he didn’t love me! He said a lot of things that didn’t sound like him.

we had similar story. The closer we got to the wedding, the more his mother was trying to interfere. He was in his late 20s, but his mother was still crying and freaking out that he was leaving too soon. He broke up with me and his reason was that he wanted to live with his mother and that he didn’t love me.

Lookiny back, I think they both didn’t have any boundaries, and they didn’t have a healthy relationship with each other. Kinda disgusting. Sad I was in the middle of it. We did have a great relationship, pretty smooth till the last few months when his mother started to interfering more. Now looking back, it makes me wonder if his mother did all of that on purpose so that the wedding wouldn’t happen because I wasn’t as strict when it came to religion. If she did do it on purpose, I hope he sees it one day.

I did help him get a lot of different jobs, lent him money for things, helped him get work experience etc. and overall improve and become a better person. I had to teach him a lot of basic life skills too… now looking back, I think I was naive. If you have to teach so much and lift someone up so much in life, they’re probably not the right person for you.

Similarly the pain was too much for me back then so I cut all contact and it was a good decision for me. He did try to contact me later, it was a pleasure to ignore him. I do hope karma goes back to him and his family.