Dear Mr. A:

You shared that for the last 3 years you tried to reduce your wife’s weight through “support, ultimatums, love, co-workouts, etc.“, but your efforts failed.

Your feelings about her weight and the repeated failed efforts: “a lot of anxiety, stress and resentment/ anger… My interest levels of physical intimacy are low“.

You thought about separating from her, but you “find it impossible to live alone (due to nature of work and life in Mumbai, India)“. You also “tried to let go off this weight issue saying that it is her control and not mine“, but you can’t, or won’t let it go.

Your goals: (1) to have a wife who looks and feels good, (2) to feel good yourself and to be more attracted to her sexually, (3) to have a healthy child, (4) to have a better social status, (5) to have a healthy wife: “I want her to look and feel good… I want to be more attracted towards her sexually… Help me become happier… I worry if she does get pregnant, then the child might not be healthy … not having a child, social status and her health issues (in future due to obesity) will affect me profoundly”.

You share that one of you is 33, the other 35, you work out 10-12 days a month, she does not like to exercise and does little of it. She tried Keto and IF (Intermittent Fasting), lost weight and gained it back. She says that “she isn’t able to lose weight due to lack of consistency and discipline“. All medical tests reveal that she is physically healthy, no abnormalities in test reports.

“I am asking you to take a look at this and suggest me what should I change or avoid or do differently to lead a life and achieve my life goals… Let me know your thoughts to deal with this!“-

I’ll start with feelings, with what you feel and with what your wife might be feeling: there is no such thing as good feeling (as in a morally correct/ acceptable feeling), and bad feelings (as in a morally incorrect/ unacceptable feeling). We don’t choose our feelings; therefore, there is no moral responsibility for what we feel. In yet other words: we are not good or bad people because of how we feel.

We are good or bad people because of what we choose to say and do (our spoken/ typed words and our actions). What we choose to focus on in life (our values) leads to our chosen words and actions.

Therefore, all that you are feeling on the topic of your wife’s weight is okay to feel. All that she is feeling is okay to feel.

Now, lets look at words and actions: first, the easy part- giving a person an Ultimatum when it comes to losing weight is the last thing that can be effective. If she loses weight because of an ultimatum, it will be a short-term loss, but her trust in you and in the marriage will be lost long-term. There need to be no ultimatums and no threats, no aggression at all.

Second, what may work is (more) Empathy: your empathy for her, and her empathy for you, since you are both suffering. I read about your suffering and (although I don’t know you irl), I feel badly that you are suffering and I wish that you will feel much better, and soon.

I imagine that she is suffering too: she tried may times, and tried hard, to lose weight, in a large part, I imagine, so to satisfy you, and she failed. She knows how you feel about her weight: how is it for her to go through life every day, for 3 years, knowing how you feel about her weight, feeling defined by her weight?

Mr. A, what if you shift your focus  away from her weight, and redirect your focus to her core essence, to who she is: what she feels, what she needs, what she wants; her thoughts, her feelings, her perceptions, her struggles..?

If she feels seen, understood, cared for as a whole person (not as a part-person, or a project, such as a lose-weight-project), she is likely to be able to have the consistency and discipline required to succeed in her chosen objectives.

anita

Hi Mr A

With a BMI of 33 your wife’s health is at risk with a pregnancy. To keep trying would put her life in danger. Hypothetically, possible but dangerous for both her and any potential child.

Issues with weight are often tied to difficulties with sleep and overworking. What are you to do if you are tired and running out of energy? There is a biological trigger to eat in these cases. Working on sleep and reducing the amount of work can be helpful. Having it all isn’t really a thing, something has got to give.

It is very depressing to keep trying for a child and failing. As others have pointed out emotional eating is a thing.

Again having it all isn’t a thing. This is karma. You don’t get to decide the hand that you are dealt in life.

Have compassion for the difficulties that your wife is going through. Have compassion for your own difficulties and realise that this is karma. Neither of your fault. If you want to get through the suffering together, just be there for each other, if the situation is too painful leave.

It should be said that everyone has difficulties in life. If it not one thing it will be another. Fighting to have no difficulties is pointless. Life always involves some kind of suffering.

Wishing you all the best! ❤️🙏

There is something called an intermittent fasting. 16 hours no food and 8 hours for eating. Of course, do not eat too much for those eight hours. Skipping breakfast. and going to noon will help. This type of fasting helps with health issue. It takes about a month or so to see the changes. But, once they start to come, the health will improve.

Hi Mr A

I’m glad that you are offering her as much help as she wants. That is very kind of you. It sounds like she has made up her mind that she doesn’t want to work on her weight. There is nothing that you can do to change her mind if this is the case.

Acknowledging that her wishes, desires and responsibilities are not yours is one way to see the situation.

Imagine two people living together, one messy, one neat. The neat person gets upset by all of the mess. The messy person doesn’t notice the mess. The messy person is upset by the neat person being mad at them.

The only way for everyone to be happy is for the neat person to only focus on what they wish to do for themselves. To make themselves happy. People just have different standards, different desires and different motivations.

Your wife is an entirely separate and uniquely different person to you.

To have discipline, motivation is needed. To have  motivation it helps a lot if you are unhappy on some level.

It sounds like food offers her a sense of comfort, a temporary happiness if you will.

She is in a desperately unhappy situation. Failed pregnancies and a husband who seems to actively dislike her.

Can you change that you dislike your wife? Do you want to? Tommy had some really good advice.

I don’t know if she was ever pregnant. But losing a pregnancy means a lot more to women. There is a physical connection very early. It is not just an idea of a future child. There is a lot of grief and sorrow losing a baby. It often ends relationships.

Your wife may need therapy to work though various things that may be upsetting her.

Your wife may be unwilling to give up the only nice thing that you think about her. At least she cooks and cleans and works. She may not prioritise anything else while your opinion of her life is so low.

Wishing you all the best! ❤️🙏

Dear Mr. A:

Excellent summary of suggestions. To be a good spouse is indeed to cultivate/ show/ express the following: genuine compassion, empathy, encouragement, self-control (to remain silent instead of complaining), patience, peace of mind, and focusing your time and energy on what is in you control (not on what is not in your control).

anita