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August 14, 2019 at 7:22 am #307875
lindseyParticipantAnita,
He did good. Listened and said sorry I had to go through all of that, made some jokes to lighten up the mood a bit. I feel like he was able to help me kind of move on from the situation a bit. Then he started talking about us.
Ok so basically this is how he is laying things out. He wants a physical relationship-he likes me-but he sucks at dating. And we are going back and forth about what we are looking for. And basically this situation is not easy to just jump right in.
In reality, we would sleep together pretty quickly I know. The weird thing about this entire situation and we have become friends for about 3 months at least and shared many things in conversations. In a sense we have been dating on a platonic level.
My concerns 1. him going silent for 2 weeks at a time. 2. my anxiety increasing if we sleep together (which isn’t happening soon just saying) 3. Him being so bad a dating? Need to know more about that.
Lindsey
August 14, 2019 at 8:08 am #307881
AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
At this point, I would ask him the following: if we were to have a sexual relationship, would it be possible for you to commit to talk with me on the phone every evening? Will you be able to commit to return any text I send you within two hours or receiving it? I need you to answer me honestly so to have the information I need to proceed.
– if he answers: no, I can’t commit to these things, problem solved: you know proceeding into a sexual relationship with him will increase your anxiety and therefore, it would be a bad idea for you.
What do you think of my suggestion?
anita
August 14, 2019 at 8:35 am #307889lindseyParticipantAnita,
I think my anxiety has improved a bit because it’s clear he does like me so I don’t need to talk with him everyday.
I think I need to discuss with him why he thinks he sucks so bad “at anything else” beyond getting physical. He says “I just don’t have sex to have sex. It’s much more at my old age.” My 2 questions would be for 1. text me if you don’t feel like following through with plans 2. Communicate when you need alone time.
Lindsey
August 14, 2019 at 8:50 am #307893AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
You definitely need more information from him and you need to see that he follows up on #1 and #2 before you have a sexual relationship with him, if you do.
Communicate 1 and 2 clearly to him and then check and see over let’s say three weeks that he indeed does text you if he doesn’t feel like following through with plans and that he communicates when he needs alone time.
If he does these two things for the duration of three weeks, then consider a sexual relationship. Reads reasonable to you?
anita
August 14, 2019 at 8:54 am #307895lindseyParticipantAnita,
Yes it reads well. I am very scared to move forward and I’ve said the same to him. And that’s not considering his stuff. I think it is a good sign and he is not trying to just get physical and be like oh well with the other stuff. I do believe there are genuine feelings here but I just don’t know.
Lindsey
August 14, 2019 at 9:02 am #307901AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
Remember that your well-being should be your number 1 priority, focus on that as the most important factor in any decision making that you do.
You don’t want to abandon yourself by throwing yourself into any situation and hope for the best. You want to see what it is that you are putting yourself through.
Taking all the information I remember from what you shared about K, it definitely doesn’t read ideal, for you to have a sexual relationship with him. But then I doubt something ideal will present itself to you- would be nice, but we people are struggling with a whole lot.
Point is, you owe it to yourself (and it will be to his benefit himself, because he doesn’t want yet another bad experience in his life) to proceed with caution, to ask him questions and take your time before you jump in there, so to prevent heartache and pain.
The chance for a good thing happening is small, the way I see it, but it is possible following clear and honest communication over.. at the least 3 weeks.
anita
August 14, 2019 at 9:06 am #307903lindseyParticipantAnita,
Agree with all you are saying. No hurry at this point. I’m at least going to get over the mediation phase with the ex before I think about anything else. First phone appointment Monday. The good thing about the mediator is she will electronically file with court and we will then get our court date to sign paperwork. I’m going to continue communicating with K. Thank you for you guidance.
Lindsey
August 14, 2019 at 9:36 am #307905AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
You are your most reasonable self, recent post, excellent. And you are welcome. Anytime.
anita
August 16, 2019 at 7:09 am #308199lindseyParticipantAnita,
Struggling. It takes me a few days to truly process anything that significantly hurtful ( the naked photos). I feel like hibernating all weekend. Sunday is my son’s 6th birthday at my ex’s house. All the neighborhood kids and parents will be there along with friends. This will include male friends who know about the photos and the woman. His father is in town too so he will be there and I’m sure my ex has painting his own picture of events that are far from reality. I feel like people will be staring at me and talking about me. I am going to try and focus on the kids. Do you think it would be wise to maybe bring some Xanax with me or take it before the party?
On a side note, do you think K is putting the carriage before the horse regarding the whole sex thing? I’ve never had someone say to me I’m good at sex but bad at everything that comes after that. I mean-what does that even mean??
Lindsey
August 16, 2019 at 8:11 am #308211AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
Excellent question: “‘I’m good at sex but bad at everything that comes after that..- what does that even mean??”
I like answering questions best I can, so here is my answer: it means that he thinks he performs well sexually, that he is capable to give a woman pleasure while having sex but when the sex is over, the good times are over too. In other words, if you want to have a good time with him, it will happen for the duration of the sexual activity and only then.
In between sexual activities or events, he will sometimes answer your texts late and at other times he will answer them very late, or not at all. You will often be anxious and waiting, waiting and waiting for his replies to your texts, often figure maybe you should text him again, then text him again, regret that you did, wait again and on and on… a kind of a living hell experience for an anxious person.
But you get a break from that living hell here and there while he does the only thing he is good at, in the context of a relationship with a woman, and you know what it is. At least, he thinks it is.
Regarding your son’s birthday and all events where your estranged husband and his family and friends are present- do focus on your children’s well being, this is key. Take Xanax with you so that you know that if you feeling too much stress, you have an option, a chemical rescue, prescribed by a doctor for this very purpose.
anita
August 16, 2019 at 8:43 am #308217lindseyParticipantAnita,
Thank you for answering that question so well. Reading that makes me cross my arms over my chest and want to protect myself. Because when you like someone, it’s about so much more than sex. Also-in my experience, men are not as great as sex as they believe or want to believe-there are a lot of women out there that make faking it a pretty believable experience; I was never one of those women. Does his statement strike you as a little immature?
I will try and put all of my focus on the kids Sunday. Very good advice.
Lindsey
August 16, 2019 at 9:25 am #308223AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
You are welcome. Crossing your arms over your chest reads like an understandable and healthy reaction to what K suggested to you. You do know that you need “so much more than sex” and all K offered you was sex. You asked me if his statement strikes me as immature- it strikes me as limited. If I said it strikes me as immature that may imply that I expect him to mature later. But that may never happen. Adults don’t mature because they get older; they mature if they learn. Will he learn? Doesn’t look like it, you gave no indication of him learning and healing from what ails him, not in all your shares about him so far.
Do focus on the kids Sunday, and post here anytime you need to.
anita
August 20, 2019 at 7:39 am #308709lindseyParticipantAnita,
It has been a long few days and many things have happened. What I am learning about myself is when I get stressed and overwhelmed emotionally to the point of not able to take anymore I tend to do destructive things with people close to me. I was calling my mother and texting her and just lashed out at her and was very angry in general. I did this a bit with my sister and my dad but nothing like I did to my mother.
I ended up not going to the birthday party on Sunday. I came over Saturday with the cake and decorations and got in my car and started crying. I don’t feel welcome in the house and there is so much hurt and anger-I did not feel it was wise for me to be around my ex. I took my son Aiden out to dinner Sunday night and he opened his gifts and I got him his favorite cupcakes. It turned out very nice. There is a lot of drama going on with my ex and the girl he is dating as far as gossip I’m not sure of the specifics. But I turned off some of my social media and I’m watchful of where I go and when and keep to myself. I do not want to get involved in any of that stuff.
We had a phone mediation yesterday and our 1 of 2 office mediations will be next Wednesday. It turns out I am going to get more financially than I thought and he is not happy about it. Some of the drama I mentioned above was him walking around saying he wasn’t going to pay me anything to friends in the divorce. So I feel better about that situation.
As far as K goes-there will not be a romantic relationship ever at this point. I do think I was reaching out to him a bit more than I should during this time because on Sunday I sent a text about my dog being sick and I never heard a reply. There is a pattern I know if getting my hopes up for a week or so after we talk and he is open about his feelings. I’m trying to work out a way to still be his friend but I’m not sure how that will work out. He is not talking right now again but he checks my snapchat photos almost as soon as I post them.
I feel very tired but I’m just trying to make the best decisions for myself and my kids and I’m just exhausted.
Lindsey
August 20, 2019 at 8:08 am #308717AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
First priority: your two children’s well being and your own.
First practical priority at this time: proceed with the mediation and aim at getting the highest financial support possible, for your children and you during the existing separation and future divorce.
Continue to keep away from you any and all information and gossip regarding your soon to be ex husband’s romantic or sexual life.
K is not good for you because what you need in a friend (or boyfriend) is someone reliable, someone who you can depend on to answer your texts, within reason, to keep their word, someone you can depend on. A person like K increases your anxiety. I wish he was different, I wish he was dependable. But what can I do… and most importantly: what can you do to change him.. nothing at all.
The serenity prayer: .. grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change–
-K, your ex, his romantic life, your mother, and so on.
the courage to change the things I can–
-reduce your stress level best you can so that you don’t get overwhelmed. If you don’t get overwhelmed, it will not be difficult to not “do destructive things with people close to (you)”.
and the wisdom to know the difference.
anita
August 20, 2019 at 12:58 pm #308759lindseyParticipantAnita,
I don’t know if I’m overtired but I got some anxiety about K about an hour ago. It doesn’t help that my close friend who is a guy has nothing good to say about him. Thank you for the serenity prayer it is something I’m going to practice. My anxiety brings me feelings of worthlessness and I struggle. I feel as though he is not good for me, I am sending him texts and getting no response sometimes, I feel foolish and emotionally sick. I think if I was 100% well I would not have gotten into these situation with him at all.
Is there anything you can say to make me feel better. I know that all I can do is move forward not texting him. I know I talk about this a lot and I’m sorry. I feel like I should be done with this situation with him. I just am feeling very upset with myself and foolish. Starting to think he really doesn’t care at all-maybe he was making up a lot of what he was saying.
Lindsey
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