Hello Linds,

Don’t know how i find certain things but, I guess synchronicity works like this.

I came across this thread, & I am actually dealing with a similar situation to you Lindsey. Thought I’d share my point of view before I log off..

I too was in a very long relationship with an emotionally abusive & manipulative ex. I didn’t have kids, but he was able to manipulate me when I was more vulnerable mood wise.. It was also messy because of family & their lack of boundaries.

After enduring a situation like this for so long, not having our needs met for so long.. we just really need to know someone cares. We also really need love, emotional & physical fulfillment. However, that’s complicated then if we havent fully healed from years of emotional abuse. So complex trauma, trust issues, not trusting self etc.

I also had a thing with a co-worker that i felt extremely guilty about. I was lonely. We’re human, so self compassion helped me get over that. Men hit on women daily in the workspace, you think they care? nope that’s like a normal thing for them. Its us women who are really harsh on ourselves. You don’t owe anyone anything.

I had a few dating options right after, most wanted sex or were just as manipulative, fake , had hidden intentions. And one person who I talked with on facebook, who was really sweet, and always present and really got me and saw me, but I didnt give this one any attention because they were actually healthy.. lol, probably really long term relationship material. They were the only one who listened, compromised, cared, was patient, but i couldn’t see any of that because i was in my trauma.

So, what im really wanting to say to you is.

Trust yourself. In everything. You are both wanting to rendezvous with K, while you also are aware that K’s behavior is a bit avoidant. Can you accept this for what it is. Like not putting all your eggs in one basket? Not expecting anything he hasn’t committed to or shown you?

Also setting boundaries & standards. The tricky part here is, without healing from the past relationship. And getting into a new one so soon. we risk making the same mistakes. Letting people get away with things here and there without really letting people know its unacceptable. then we give months, years to another person who hurts us because of our unrealistic expectations.

Again we have needs and so, if sex is one of them, K is that guy. But otherwise, do you really want to give energy trying to change someone or do you want to invest time into someone who actually has done the self development work to meet you where you are at?

Is there anyone else in your life right now, who may seem boring yes, but is consistent? Listens, compromises, cares & wants to invest in you , without any question? I would say if you do, invest in this person. You need to develop healthier attachments in order to heal the pain from your previous relationship.

Stay lift-ed, & therapy would be helpful too 🙂

Best of luck.

Dear Lindsey:

Good morning and I do agree with you that you are healing and learning. I noticed it a while ago.

It may very well be that K is on drugs, a stimulant drug that made him act “a bit manic in his behaviors. On his phone, got up 3 times to go to the bathroom, kind of talking loudly”!

Or he suffers from a bipolar disorder, manic depressive. Or both, drugs and bi polar. It fits with him taking those days off from work not long ago, staying on the sofa all day, that’s what he told you.. so maybe he is Up then crashes into a depression.

You wrote about K/ men: “When they are back and forth like K in some ways it is like a drug, a familiar drug- my mother a little”- how insightful!

So that means that when K leaves or withdraws or doesn’t answer your texts, it triggers your anxiety and you obsess about him returning to your life, ex. answer your text, similar to a person desiring and obsessing about their drug of choice. When he texts you back, or show up in your home, you feel some relief for a while until the next time he doesn’t answer your text etc.

anita