Dear Lindsey:

I do hope you feel better, try that guided meditation I suggested? I will be able to read all of your recent post when I am back to the computer Sun morning in about 18 hours from now.

* Did you read Grenada’s post to you?

anita

Linds,

I would just say be gentle with yourself.

Also be mindful of the ways we talk to ourselves, I have CPTSD, OCD, a Panic & Anxiety Disorder, and deal with depression here & there. I used to call myself crazy for how my mind worked. But had to realize i’m not crazy, just someone navigating trauma and trying to heal and develop healthier patterns.

I asked my partner or friend IDK lol, depends on the day.. (who studies psychology) I asked them why would someone self-harm . They said its a result of heavy trauma and someone looking for a release. So when someone let’s say, cuts themselves or inflicts pain, their brain releases feel good chemicals to reduce the pain. In essence, the self harm is a familiar addictive fix, because it releases feel good chemicals. And so when we don’t inflict the pain, we have withdrawals, we need the chemicals.

This too happens in our relationship patterns. Overtime a particular type of treatment or abuse in our childhood or even in our romantic partnerships wears down like grooves in our brains. We get used to these patterns and having to navigate them and so we latch on to familiar things.

A doctor once told me that “70% of the time, all humans are floating around in stress chemicals. We wake up in the morning with the past on our brains and that sooner or later, the familiar past will become the predictable future.”

I say this A) so we can see how this happens psychologically, its what all human brains do given the circumstances. B) So you can have some patience and self compassion for yourself as falling into cycles of shame can be really self-destructive and do the opposite of what we want.

A person in my tribe once told me, “pain pushes us until the vision pulls us. It is up to us to trip the switch.”

For now be patient, non-judgmental, and compassionate with yourself. Work with your inner child, ask her what she needs how she feels, and talk to her compassionately. Envision yourself holding your child, stepping in to rescue your inner child from scary moments, and just re-parenting and nurturing her. This is how i figure out my basic needs.

When i am crying because someone i like hasn’t called me all day, and i’m waiting by the computer or phone for a response i’ll never get and waste away my day when i should be working. More and more i remember to consult with my inner child, who, a lot of the time is just like “mom, i’m hungry!” lol and I’ll feed myself and carry on in a better mood. Other times my inner child is like “mom, you’re staring at your phone and not spending enough time with me.” And i’ll put my phone down and engage in much needed self care.

Eventually you’ll start to make little changes here and there, investing in yourself, and doing the things that make you happy, when you want to do it. Sometimes you’ll set aside time for you and K will call and you’ll be like “maybe, maybe not.” You’re sovereign. It’s time to take back your freedom, and call the shots in your life. set the boundaries you need. I know this can be scary because sometimes we think if we set boundaries people will leave us, and sometimes they do. But they’re replaceable. we want people who treat us right.

People are like potlucks. Some are good for conversation, others sex, others making us laugh, others giving advice. It gets complicated and disappointing when we expect the comedian to give us advice, or the sex person to hold a good conversation.

Seeing people for who and how they are, and setting boundaries gives us the control and power over our lives that was taken from us for so long.

Eventually youll meet one person who is the whole potluck in themselves. for now, again, just be gentle with yourself, work on inner child healing, tending to your needs, being honest with yourself, setting boundaries, and learning healthier patterns over time.

you got this.

Grenada

Lindsey* sorry

I have a family member with similar name.. lol

Dear Lindsey:

Everyone avoids what they don’t feel like doing: K avoids talking more because he doesn’t feel like it. Your mother definitely doesn’t feel like considering that she was wrong the way she treated you, no matter how much it would have helped you if she considered such a thing!

She did you wrong and as a consequence of her actions, you got angry and you are still angry. If she considered that she was wrong, if she expressed to you how wrong she was, sincerely apologized and offered to make amends (such as giving you lots of money so that you can attend quality therapy), maybe then your anger would have lessened a whole lot, over time.

Otherwise, we don’t … lose our anger just because we grow older. It doesn’t happen that way, especially not while still interacting with the parent- the anger gets reactivated repeatedly.

To have a civil relationship with her… try something you didn’t try before, such as listening to one of those guided meditations before getting on the phone with her? I have no idea if that will work, but the idea is to try something new and see if that works.

I am glad you relaxed listening to the meditation, keep doing that then. Sometimes you won’t like doing that,  maybe get bored, but don’t give up. Listening to these guided meditations of this Mindful series while sitting comfortably or even lying down, can only help you and never harm you.

anita

Dear Lindsey:

Going off the grid did you good- I am glad! Your recent post reads most reasonable.

(Don’t worry about having sent K a weird text: he is weird himself, isn’t he).

I am fine, thank you. I think the hottest day of the year (in the 80s) was yesterday and it will be cooler from now on, I like that.

Have a productive counseling session.

anita

Dear Lindsey:

Sitting across a thin wall from K, and sitting right next to him at work- did his location change, office or cubicle location or such?

I will be away from the computer for a while. It is 4:30 pm your time, so you end of the work week for you, I figure.

anita