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September 5, 2019 at 8:03 am #310401
AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
You deserve more credit than you are giving yourself. You did well in regard to K many times, but it is difficult to do well all the time because he is right there in front of you hour after hour. Make a list of rules of dos and do nots in regard to K. For example: if K does this.. I do that.
Come up with all possible behaviors on his part (behaviors that already happened) and decide how you will react (or not), be specific. This way you will be prepared. Something happens (he talks to a female co worker, for example), you look at your list of rules and you know what to do.
What do you think?
anita
September 5, 2019 at 9:07 am #310417
lindseyParticipantAnita,
Not sure what I would do without you. I appreciate your input very much. This anxiety roller coaster just makes me tired after awhile and right now I’m really tired and not talking to anyone at work kind of emotionally hiding lol. I will get back with you on this list this afternoon-which is a great idea-I want to put some thought into it.
I want to share with you a conversation we had last night. I messaged him saying maybe he should stop running so much. He said “Nah.” I said “ok?” He said “I like the way I am:) you seem not to.” I said “no I don’t mind how you are.” He said “that’s a good thing.” I said “when I want something, I want it right away and that’s not how life works.” He replied “never” I said “nope” and then “I like being your friend and not pushing for more, just explaining that about me.” He replied “I agree.” I went to bed.
Lindsey
September 5, 2019 at 9:34 am #310427AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
You are welcome. I like you, Lindsey, and that makes it easy for me to communicate with you. Regarding the conversation you had with K last night, he said he likes the way he is, running- that means he has no intent to stop running, I suppose.
I like what you shared, that when you want something, you want it right away, but “that’s not how life works” and the rest, sharing about who you are and how you feel. Excellent.
anita
September 5, 2019 at 10:34 am #310443lindseyParticipantAnita,
Well I had started listening to a meditation for anxiety at lunch but my mom called to talk so I didn’t get through it. I went over to K’s desk to tell him about a schedule change I had heard about but he was on the phone and went he got off he didn’t say hey what do you need so I’m not doing very well right now. I thought of a few things for the list but right now my brain is telling me it doesn’t matter he’s not going to talk to me again i’m bothering him. But here is what I have anyway:
1. only 1 female coworker bother’s me (long story) – get up from desk and walk away
2. Do not reach out emotionally
3. Do not reach out for behavioral changes
4. if he starts flirting try to keep it on a friend level
5. texts one day- try not to text or worry the next day when he is quiet (this happened yesterday this is hard.)
Right now I have a lot of anxiety. I don’t think I should come by his desk at all anymore – maybe just talk through the wall? I don’t know but what just happened makes me feel really awful.
Lindsey
September 5, 2019 at 10:49 am #310453AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
It is amazing how emotions grab a hold of us and take us for a spin, like a storm, isn’t it? But we can slow down that storm with deep, slow breathing, slowing down our thoughts (those ants), dispersing those aunts. If anxiety is like clouds and fog covering the sky, imagine clearing the fog and dispersing the clouds until you have a clear sky/ clear mind.
Your list, make it more specific, nothing regarding how you should feel, only behaviors (do it later, when you are calmer).
anita
September 5, 2019 at 12:11 pm #310469lindseyParticipantAnita,
I feel a little better. If someone doesn’t respond to text I guess it’s safe to assume they may not want to talk face to face right? The normal part of my brain is telling me Lindsey-think about all the crazy stuff he has done, what exactly makes this any different and has it helped you at all to be upset about it? No healthy brain Lindsey, it has not helped at all. So the unhealthy part of my brain is trying here Anita-I’m really trying here.
I’m dealing with a really unhealthy, up and down person. I have got to stop taking things personally.
1. do not reach out emotionally at all for assurance
2. do not reach out for assistance in general
3. if he flirts via text or snapchat, I will remain friendly but cut it off (this will be extremely hard)
4. if he doesn’t respond to text- I will not take it personally and try not to get anxiety
5. if A comes to his desk to talk – I will get up and leave (A is a female coworker)
6. If he is super texting one day, I will not expect him to do it the next day.
7. Should I stop by his desk? I don’t know people stop by everyone’s desk.
Lindsey
September 5, 2019 at 12:57 pm #310489AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
I am glad you are aware of the healthy part of your brain, “healthy brain Lindsey” as you call it and that you consult it- I am pleased!
Regarding your list:
1 & 2, I would combine those to: I do not initiate a text to him. If he texts me I respond to his text with only one text.
3 is good, edited perhaps to: if he flirts via text or snapchat, I will reply with one sentence only.
#4 is taken care of in #1 & 2 combo above- if he texted you and you responded and he doesn’t respond to your answer text, you don’t text a second time. To not initiate at text to him means he has to text you first, be it a first text of a day or a response to yours.
#5 is fine, specific enough, 6 is good, reread it every day. 7: I suggest: do not stop by his desk!
anita
September 5, 2019 at 1:04 pm #310491lindseyParticipantAnita,
I think the “desk stopping by” was created by anxiety in my brain if that makes any sense. It was like a check list in my brain, a physical reassurance that I needed to do. I wasn’t sure what to do now that I was sitting in such close proximity-so my anxiety took over and answered for me. I will not get reassurance where I am looking. Thank you for your guidance today.
Lindsey
September 5, 2019 at 1:06 pm #310497AnonymousGuestYou are very welcome, Lindsey. Anytime.
anita
September 6, 2019 at 10:03 am #310569lindseyParticipantAnita,
My anxiety is much better today and I did a 3 minutes breathing mediation from Mark Williams. I’ve tried others and he is my favorite. K ended up talking to me at the end of the day yesterday. I think part of my problem is I need someone else to set up boundaries and until they do I kind of flounder and have anxiety. I was wondering if you had any insight on that.
I feel much better today knowing I don’t have to go by his desk if that makes any sense at all.
Lindsey
September 6, 2019 at 10:30 am #310575AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
You mean that you need let’s say that K behaves a certain way so that you don’t feel anxious, for example, that he will say a nice hello whenever you see him, that he will return your text within 5 minutes, and such, and if he acted consistently then you will not be anxious?
anita
September 6, 2019 at 11:24 am #310589lindseyParticipantAnita,
Yes but he does not consistently exhibit those behaviors. I don’t like admitting that someone’s behavior dictates my anxiety. This whole move sitting next to him as been a bit stressful but you also learn a lot about a person when you sit next to them everyday. He talks to each person on the phone almost like he’s their best friend.
I feel like I should have been able to set my own boundaries but I felt lost and I’m not sure why.
Lindsey
September 6, 2019 at 11:46 am #310591AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
We can’t help being affected by other people’s behavior, it is in our nature to react. All social animals instinctively react to the behaviors of other members of their social group. As humans capable of making choices about how we behave, we are able to pause between trigger (such as K not texting you back) and automatic reaction (texting him again, maybe angrily), and choose our behavior. In your case, according to Rule 1, you don’t initiate a text to him, if he texts you- you respond, if he doesn’t respond to your response- you don’t text him a second time.
If you make your own Rules of Behavior and stick to them, you no longer automatically react to his behavior. The more power you exercise in life- the less anxiety you experience.
anita
September 6, 2019 at 11:57 am #310607lindseyParticipantAnita,
I agree. I’ve just got to stick to my rules-that will take practice.
Lindsey
September 6, 2019 at 12:13 pm #310615AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
Make sure your rules are clear to you, each one, and then follow your own rules.
anita
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