Dear Javairia:

I apologize, the exercise I suggested was about you listing actions you observed other people doing (not your own actions), therefore please ignore the post above. My question then: can you elaborate on what good actions you witnessed people do in regard to 3 and 4?

(This exercise will take work and time, going back and forth).

anita

Dear Javairia:

I am glad you feel very comfortable with going on back and forth, and I too am willing to invest time into this, all the time that it takes. There is no rushing in this kind of work. Eventually, we’ll put it all together.

Regarding #3: “Giving time and space time in all sorts of relationships”- you described your mother, when she “had a lot  of anxiety and she wouldn’t stop talking every five minutes. She expected someone to respond to her and have a company 24/7 by her side. So she used me for that purpose.. the topics were overwhelmingly serious for a child.. she mentioned suicide a lot to me from time to time. I had almost no space to myself”- this is amazing, everything in this quote describes my experience with my mother. Therefore I can definitely say: I understand.

You wrote that you admire people who, unlike your mother (and mine),  “understand taking and giving space” (and thank you for considering me one of these people).

1. Do you consider yourself one of these people?

Regarding #4, “Staying loyal and truthful in all sorts of relationships”-

2. Were you loyal to your mother, staying loyal to her all through your childhood when you availed yourself to her 24/7, hearing her anxious and suicidal talk?

anita

Dear Javairia:

Two days ago, you wrote: “I don’t even know what behavior makes me a ‘good’ or ‘bad’ person. I am like a stranger to myself when it comes to defining what things are good for me or bad for me. Same with my qualities”-

– but you clearly defined something that is bad for you: oversharing and venting to another person, expecting the listener to be available to the one excessively venting,  which is what the “friend” did to you (page 1 of this thread), and what your mother did to you: “wouldn’t stop talking every five minutes.. have a company 24/7 by her side…. talks like, ‘What to  do, my life doesn’t have a purpose and I want to die”.

So you  know clearly one behavior on the part of other people that is bad for you, and which you don’t want in your life. You also know that if it’s bad for you, it’s bad for other people too, and indeed you didn’t behave this way with the “friend” (page 1), and you shared in earlier threads (which you deleted) that as a child and onward, you took on a role  of a happy-go-lucky person, not complaining about anything so to not bring others down.

In other words, you do know one good behavior/ good quality on your part that is “an insight to (your) personality and useful quality/ attribute” that you can put in a personal statement for universities!

* In your most recent post, you wrote: “I wasn’t one of those people”, you mean: one of the people who  don’t excessively vent? This would be a surprise to me  because I remember you sharing that you pretended to be happy with friends, and at home, pretending to not have problems. Do I remember correctly?

anita

• This reply was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by .

Dear Javairia:

Yes, I remember now, the gifts. It is clear to me then that you cared early on in your life to not vent excessively to people, to not burden others with your distress by talking endlessly, complaining, talking about suicide etc., like your mother did to you. This is definitely a value and a personality trait on your part that will need to find its way to that personal statement you need to make for universities to whom you apply.

When you gave people too many gifts and that made them feel uncomfortable, you changed that behavior, which is something your mother didn’t do: she didn’t stop venting to you even though it made you feel very uncomfortable (and I am sure it was clear to see by your facial expressions and behavior!)- this is another thing that will need to go into your personal statement: your  your willingness and ability to observe how your behavior affects others, and your willingness and ability to change your behavior for the benefit of others and yourself.

You asked me in your earlier post: “Do you feel like you ever picked up your mum’s behavior earlier or later?”- like you, I suffered so much by her venting and suicide talk that I did not repeat that behavior! Especially with her: I pretended I was okay best I could so to not burden her. But I did repeat some of her behavior, which became mine: being judgmental and hostile toward other people, distrusting all other people sooner than later, and behaving accordingly to such distrust and hostility.

“I really doubt my creativity, that I’ll be able to take a bit serious topic into a light and flowery piece. Do you have opinions over this topic?”- yes, don’t present a serious topic as a “light and flowery piece”. Present it as a serious topic! Between the extremes of an overly dramatic, excessively venting, suicidal person like your mother and mine and a happy-go-lucky person pretending to be fine and dandy at all times (like you’ve been trying to be), there is a middle ground.

Let me know  of your thoughts at this point, whenever you are ready (no rushing of this kind of work).

anita

• This reply was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by .

Dear Javairia:

You are welcome and thank you for wishing me well. I am fine, as fine as I can be during lockdown. I was far from being a party animal before the lockdown, but I miss being around people. I do get to be around people when shopping for food, but it’s not the same.

I didn’t understand what you wrote here: “I can describe and connect, while narrating how I deal with difficult situations”- do you mean that you want to put together another art zine (a self published magazine, a collections of drawings, written work, photos and other artwork), so to express yourself in a way that is the middle ground between too heavy and too light?

“Quarantine.. I’ve been getting zero things done.. anything I enjoy or don’t, equally.. My head just overthinks when I’m awake.. overthinks everything.. Staying home is messing up my mind so much. I’ve tried .. checklists, set my own deadlines, set rewards/ punishments.. but I got nothing out of it. Can you suggest me something to not dread this stay-at-home time, not overthink and probably get something done?”-

I would say shift your goal from becoming productive during quarantine tosurviving quarantine. Take off from yourself the pressure to be productive. Make being productive an option, not a must-be. Allow yourself to relax, be it by reading a book and getting lost in someone else’s story, or doing your art for no other reason than to lose (your overthinking) in it.

I take a 5.5 km walk outside every day and it helps with distress most of the time, maybe all of the time. I don’t know if that’s an  available option for you. Indoors- hot baths melt away distress and overthinking like magic.

Back to the shifting of goal: relax into the humble goal of just surviving this pandemic, one day at a time, especially the days that don’t seem to end, in my experience. If typing away your feelings help, type them away here- and don’t worry about expressing yourself too heavily or seriously, and definitely no need to express yourself “too flowery”- you can practice that middle ground in your thread.

anita

• This reply was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by .

Dear Javairia:

You are very welcome and thank you for your blessing.

It reads like a good idea: to make your previous work more personal, put more of you in it. I like it very much: you putting more of you into your art zine and into your own life otherwise, in every way!

anita