no communication skills + low self esteem

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This topic has 3 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 4 months ago by Mark.

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August 5, 2019 at 4:38 am #306609

Carla
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Hi guys.

Please excuse my messy English and if everything I’ve written is all over the place.

I’ve been in a relationship for a year with a wonderful man. We’re both in early 30s.

I met *John* after a couple of heart breaking (for me) relationships – one ruined by emotional manipulation and the other – by a new job relocation. John was shy/closed off to personal talks, but otherwise fun and stable. I was stressed, anxious and craving for a solid person, and the time spent with him oozed comfort. I liked that and we got together.

We had an amazing first year, requiring little serious communication. We balanced things out somehow but seems that was a honeymoon period. My oddities are starring to act up.

I have a problem with communicating my needs (I feel awkward, dramatic… and needy!) and he is very closed off because well… He also finds it awkward and dramatic and needy. If I try to talk about feelings, he tries to close the conversation off as quickly as possible. And i dont have the skills to continue it.

Also, my damn self esteem. I feel so unattractive. I recently found myself seriously craving validation and wanting to feel desired, which makes me cling to him and I know that is pushing him away. I feel out of place and as if he’s not proud of me being his woman. To top that off I feel like im asking for too much – he is more financially stable and a better housekeeper than me, and pays for a bigger share than me so I ask myself… what am I bringing to the table? Only… sex and affection? I feel terrible.

I have asked him if he’s happy with me to which he says “Obviously, I wouldn’t be here otherwise” but sometimes I wonder if he sees me as a person he loves or just a woman he needs to date because that’s what people do. As far as I know he hasn’t been in a serious relationship before me, so maybe he doesn’t know better. I’m sabotaging myself.

So… I need to figure how to fix myself before I try and fix things with him. I feel like a mess – low self esteem, needy, attention-seeker. Generally, a partner not worth having. Where do I begin?

August 5, 2019 at 8:29 am #306637

Peggy
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Hello Carla,

You were attracted to John because of the feelings of safety he was able to give you. He is happy to provide for you and take his share of the housekeeping duties (I assume you are living together). However, now you are comfortable together you are wanting to open up more and discuss your needs. Communication is a two way street. Does he tell you he loves you?

To work on your own self-esteem you need to write down a list of all your good qualities. It’s OK to sing your own praises in the privacy of your own space and no, it is not big headed. Add to the list as soon as something else occurs to you and repeat the words to yourself over and over again. The more you believe in yourself and your own abilities, the less needy you become.

That’s where you start – with your “I AM” list until you become comfortable with your own character – then you will know what you have to offer and that you are someone worth knowing and loving.

Peggy

August 5, 2019 at 9:05 am #306645
Inky
Participant
Hi Carla,

Do you simply *feel* unattractive or do you actually *think* you are unattractive?

For one thing, exercise! I don’t care if it’s just walking around the block. It’s good to keep the body moving. You will look more toned, have a healthy glow, and FEEL better! (Those endorphins!)

Cook good food, and no junk. Eat in more than eating out. Three good meals, no more, no less.

And anyone can look CUTE. Less is more, anyway. Highlights, makeup, a nice top, jewelry and/or a spritz of perfume.

Not to sound shallow, but I totally get the whole you want your guy to be proud of you thing, especially if it’s a new relationship!

Flylady dot net is a great website for getting your household under control. It’s all about habits and routines!

Make your money, save some, and invest some! Live within your means and watch that money grow! Sooner than you think YOU will be his financial peer!

Finally, if it’s his first relationship, don’t be surprised if there’s a relationship “freak out” from him one day. With or without him, you will be fine.

All the Best,

Inky
- This reply was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by Inky.
August 5, 2019 at 11:55 am #306709

Mark
Participant

Carla,

I wonder about how satisfying such a relationship can be in the long run. You say both of you cannot really talk about things of substance, like what you want from the relationship or if you two disagree on something or if there is a conflict between you two. It takes two to communicate.

I would give couples counseling a try so you two learn ways of communicating and for those other questions you have about how to get you want you need.

Mark
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