Numbness as an "emotional" response

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This topic has 4 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 10 years ago by Tir.

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October 17, 2014 at 2:50 pm #66394

B.B.
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Greetings to you all, kind people.

A long preface is not needed, so here’s the situation in short – I broke up with my girlfriend (>6 years together) a couple of weeks ago and currently I’m not sad, I’m not angry, I’m just numb. And I’ve been that way since we put an end to the relationship.
This is the state that I hate the most, because of the feeling that everything is “meh”. I’m OK with being sad, angry, whatever, but distancing myself from any emotion is horrible. That does not mean that I’d prefer to let my emotions go rampant, don’t get me wrong. I’ve grown enough to try to be aware of my emotions, of my ego of how I act and react. I’ve been learning to acknowledge things that happen to me, to percieve things with objectivity, to be my best friend, to care and love myself, to “fight” my negative emotions and fears, id est my ego, with understanding and consideration, to live in the present moment… But currently all of this means nothing, as I’m in a state that’s almost completely devoid of emotions, I feel like I’m a static observer of my own existence. I don’t know what to be aware of, I don’t feel there’s anything to be aware of.

I’d really like to get on with my life. All my thoughts, emotions, desires, get squished by a resounding “meh”. Everything I do is suffering from that – communication, hobbies, work, sex, even simply sitting with a cup of tea and thinking, a thing that I value greatly.

I’d be seriously pissed about all of this right now, but alas.
Any ideas on how to get out of this limbo would be nice.
Thank you all 🙂

October 17, 2014 at 9:58 pm #66402

David
Participant

Pal… I know exactly what it is 🙁 6 years is a long time… I was just dumped by a girl whom i was dating for several months. We went for long distance relationship nad there she met someone new. I can’t feel anything. No anger, no sadness. Just numbness. That haunting state of limbo. It feels as an unreal dream. I just want to sing along with Thom Yorke: “I’m not here. This isn’t happening.” and other times all i want is to close my eyes and never open them again. Even replying to this post feels like a dream 🙁 i can’t believe it. We developed such a strong emotional bond, and i was dumped like that… If i did it to her, 3-4 months ago she would be totally devastated. But now she’s just experiencing bliss od a new relationship, whereas i’m dying inside

October 18, 2014 at 1:29 am #66406
B.B.
Participant
Your situation seems a bit different to mine, though. You seem like you’re still mourning, whereas I just don’t give a damn.

I think that one cannot invest his emotional well-being into a thing or a person, different from himself. People should not obsess over people or objects, at least a little attachment is unavoidable for most of us, but a lot is something that we should be wary of. I doubt that a lot of people could live without attachment to the things that they love, but everyone could try to build the foundations of their lives around themselves and not said things that they love. No one but ourselves can be the center of our universe.

Don’t get me wrong, though, you can be sad, you don’t need to fight it. It’s just a matter of where the sadness is coming from – is it just an emotion that’s the direct resulf of losing someone that you love or is it the result of the ego telling you sob stories. Don’t victimise yourself, stuff like that happens. Let it go. Accept it and let it go. It’s not about looking on the bright side or lying to yourself, it sucks, believe me, I know. But events are not good or bad, we simply percieve them as such and as long as you internally create drama around the break up, you’re goind to be locked in your own prison of misery and self-pity.

Source: We broke up again half an year ago, but then got back together. The best thing that I did during the first break up is what I advised you to do. Hope it helps. Internet hugs to you, David. 🙂

Alas, my own advice can’t help me. As I said, I’ve been growing and learning, but currently it all means nothing. :\
- This reply was modified 10 years ago by B.B..
October 18, 2014 at 2:02 am #66409

Sann
Participant

Hi B.B.,
I’m sorry to hear about the break-up, and especially about the emotional state, or lack of it, that you are finding yourself in. It can feel so powerless, to be cut off from yourself and everything around you.
I will read your second post again a few times, because i don’t understand it completely.

I’m just wondering, the emotional numbness, do you think it is a way to protect yourself, that all the emotions would be so strong that you don’t know how to handle it?

Even though, you say that you’ve grown a lot and learned about your emotions, so i guess i might be wrong with my question, it sounds like you do know how to handle emotions and also strong ones..

Don’t know, just trying to understand it.

(i experience a lot of emotional numbness myself, over other reasons, and it feels so empty, so desperate)

October 18, 2014 at 9:56 pm #66439
Tir
Participant
Look at your numbness with curiosity but do not judge it. There are no right or wrong ways to feel after a long term relationship has ended, and six years is a long time. The one thing I can’t apply Buddhist non attachment principles to is love though. Love is attachment, and when a relationship ends we see if it was really love or ego. Love is fluid and doesn’t disappear due to circumstances, fights or being in separate places in your life. It is, as Shakespeare wrote, an ever fixed Mark. It doesn’t waiver and cannot be easily changed by new pair bonding or sexual interests. Perhaps you feel numb because you are aware enough that you know love isn’t easily transferred or ended so your non attachment wasn’t love but ego. Your emotional response is numbness and that is ok.
- This reply was modified 10 years ago by Tir.
July 24, 2017 at 6:11 am #159840

Jake
Participant

6 years is not that long, I have been numb for 20 years after the breakup when I was 12 years old.

I loved her very much, and was there every day for her. I invested way too much (well that’s what happens when you fall in love when you are 12 years old, right?)

And one day she dumped me.

Why 20 years?

EGO. F**king ego.

Here’s what I have learned:

1. You will un numb your self start feeling the emotions (grieving process) when you will decide to accept the fact what happened to you.

If you still deny what happened, you will stay numb.

So to un numb your self and start the whole ‘crazy’ grieving stage, first you have to stop denying that you were dumped.

And, most important, start going out and get intimate with women. They will ‘break the ice’ of your trauma and you will start the grieving process. People are actually helpful with this, even if you don’t feel like trusting them right now.

2. Talk about what happened. TALK. TALK. TALK. Start with the ones you trust the most. If you don’t feel like saying much, just say that I had a girlfriend once.

The more you talk, and the more detailed you will be, the faster your healing process begins.

I have been numb for 20 years, and I didn’t even recognized that.

Believe me, un numb your self as fast as you can, you won’t regret it.
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