April 17, 2019 at 12:26 pm #289469
Hi All, I need help! Long story short, my ex-wife and I divorced a year and half ago…we have three kids…our marriage had lots of stressful events, miscarriages, fertility issues, depression (both), surgery (both), fybromaliga (her)…as we both got ill our communication totally broke down…..I got so angry when we separated because I didn’t understand (I do now) and mentally neither of us could handle marriage counseling…….I have always been an emotional suppressor….wasn’t able to express myself well emotionally….recently have come to terms that I’ve been depressed for much of my adult life and am now being treated, am sober, etc…..I was very angry and anxious at the end of our marriage but had no idea things were that bad (I guess it was my depression filter but that’s not an excuse)…I said no or was against changes in our lives that would of improved things because I was depressed and now look back and feel like such as jackass, as that is not a reflection on me or my values but was how I acted at the time…….I even denied that the divorce bothered me…..now that I’ve pulled out of my depression…..I’ve realized my errors, have taken responsibility for my actions (both of us were at fault) and am making amends in several ways with many people….She has dated more than one person and is currently dating someone for 6 months and plans to have him meet our kids this summer…..I’m devastated, I don’t love easily and know that I am now the person I once was and can stay this way as long as I live in the present, stay sober and keep myself health and avoid depression crashes….I go to therapy as much as I can to make sure these negative behaviors don’t creep back in my life but do struggle with regret and forgiving myself…..I want to move on but have no interest in dating….I’m focused on myself and being a good dad…..I want to stay open to reconciliation but at the same time respect her boundaries….I don’t know how I am going to handle her bringing her boyfriend into my kids’s lives….I don’t think I’m ready to meet him….I don’t hate him, I’m sure he’s a great guy….but I just get sick to my stomach thinking about it…..I’m afraid to lose hope…..How do I stay open to reconciliation without letting it take over my life? Thanks!April 17, 2019 at 12:41 pm #289477
Am I understanding correctly: you are open to reconciliation with your ex wife while she is in a six months relationship with another man whom she plans on introducing to your kids in a couple of months, that is, while her relationship with another man is moving toward a stronger relationship?
anitaApril 17, 2019 at 1:58 pm #289483
Yes, she is the love of my life, I made mistakes, I don’t want to give up hope, She has told me she has built an emotional wall but I know she still cares for me and the love is in there somewhere…Just trying to show her by my actions that i’ve changed, the changes I should of made earlier in life….I love her unconditionally…..I don’t love easily……I have no interest in dating just continuing to improve myself and be a good parent…..She may be in a rebound as she recently told me that the first guy she dated couldn’t handle how much we communicated…..My kids are challenging and difficult and demand attention constantly from us…. and not over the divorce, I can’t imagine introducing him (along with his kid) will go well…..It would take a lot of work but I do not blame her for wanting out as it was a toxic environment for us and kids…I just couldn’t see it at the time!April 17, 2019 at 2:41 pm #289489
I know this sounds odd…but I truly believe we are soulmates…just had horrible timing and circumstancesApril 17, 2019 at 3:39 pm #289491
1. Divorced 1.5 yrs
2 In the past, you are not able to share your emotions
3. Have depression for most of your adult life – now undergoing treatment and sobeer
4. Currently seeing a therapist, living in the present moment & staying healthy
Question: How to stay open to reconcilliation without letting it take over your life?
I don’t understand your question. What do you mean by “staying open?” What do you mean “take over your life” ?
Do you want to get back together with your ex-wife? She has no interest in doing that since she is dating and want her boyfriend to meet her children.
Let her go. Focus on your own personal care and health. Focus on being the best father you can be. It sounds like your children have been through a lot of rough years.
MarkApril 17, 2019 at 7:28 pm #289523
I will read your reply to me (and any post you may add) when I am back to the computer in about 11 hours from now and reply then.
anitaApril 18, 2019 at 3:02 am #289553
I’m sorry to hear of your pain and struggles in the past, and glad to know that you are taking great steps towards a better future right now.
From what you have shared with us it really does sound like your ex-wife has moved on and is making a new life for herself. I agree with what Mark says above – you need to let go and focus on yourself and your children.
You say that you are living in the present now. But you are hankering after a return to the past and your past relationship with your ex-wife. You want a second chance, you want to show her you’ve changed, and you want to put things right. But some things can’t be fixed.
Your ex. obviously doesn’t feel the same way. It sounds as though it was a rough ride for yourself, your ex and your children.
I think you have to accept that things have moved on, that she has moved on. And now you must move on.
with best wishes,
JayApril 18, 2019 at 8:03 am #289567
If it makes you feel better, I’m sure she will always have a special place in her heart for you, the father of her children.
If you truly have unconditional love for her, like two soap opera characters, I’m also sure there could (theoretically) be a second chance. But even soap operas let a good ten years (in real time) go by before bringing their stars back together in matrimony.
Let her date other people. Let her have her freedom after the divorce. Then (and I’m talking in the year 2030, when everyone’s good and old) you can, perhaps, revisit.
Keep on being a good dad!
InkyApril 18, 2019 at 10:42 am #289587
In your original post you wrote about you and your now ex-wife: “neither of us could handle marriage counseling”-
– I think that it is best that the two of you attend counseling now together. In counseling, a competent therapist will facilitate communication between the two of you so that you will clearly express to her what you want and she will do the same. It is possible that the two of you, currently, are not understanding each other. A competent therapist will help you hear, really hear what she is saying and will help her the same way.
It will help you, her and it will help the three children you share when their parents communicate effectively.
anitaApril 18, 2019 at 11:03 am #289591
thanks, I would love to do this, but I’m not sure she would be open to it…..the marriage counselor we saw twice wasn’t even a certified marriage counselor, just a therapist from employee assistance program….April 18, 2019 at 11:40 am #289605
Ask her and see if you can find a competent couple therapist, or counselor, who will be neutral and fair to the two of you, so that you and your ex wife are clear with each other, so that each one of you understands the other clearly.
- This reply was modified 3 months ago by anita.