Hi Priscilla,
I also have a tender heart. Look at it as a strength, your miracle. Buddha says something like this – “Compassion is feeling deeply the world’s desperate pain, without becoming depressed about it.” Something to ponder. You can help without becoming bummed out…when you see or hear something that disturbs you, just breathe and send them your healing and loving energy. You may not see the result, but putting that energy out there is a positive and good thing. Send them angels and light. And give yourself a hug for being so caring.
Sojourner

I’m trying to figure out a way to clearly communicate my thoughts on this without having to type too much, as I’m on a mobile device 🙂 Anyway, I’m becoming more and more convinced that what a person needs is not only love and compassion towards themselves and others, but also confidence. Confidence in knowing who they are (which requires honesty) and knowing that they are allowed to be who they are (boundaries). I’m simplifying, but that’s the general idea.

Without healthy boundaries and self-esteem, it’s easy to get lost in other people’s lives and thoughts and actions. We need validation and don’t think that our lives aren’t special enough to get all our attention and energy. Yet our lives are what we live. Everything that I experience happens within my body. The more I pay attention to that, to my boundaries and how important it is for me to take care of myself, the less I become involved in other people’s thoughts and actions. I have even imagined being entangled in other people and things and events with thinstrings, which I have cut with imaginary scissors. I should be focused on what happens within my boundaries. The more I do that, the more I trust myself and the more I trust myself, the more I trust the world and that everything will be OK.

As a recovering codependent, I know what it’s like to spread yourself thin and feel pther people’s feelings and worry about them and get annoyed when they don’t behave like I want them to. I was completely confused about where I ended and other people begun. It was all me and I was not in control, but I tried to control it all. To find the boundaries, your own voice and being centered is an incredibly wonderful feeling. I still get annoyed by things that other people do, but I’m able to let go of it and get back to myself. I guess if the boundaries aren’t clear it’s not only difficult to let go, but where do you go back to if you have no idea who you are?

Perhaps this wasn’t terribly clear 🙂 But I do believe that the more you learn about yourself and establish boundaries and hold onto them (the confidence bit), the less you get entangled in other people’s issues.

Anyone,

I can understand the concern about being kind, and how sometimes we fear that kindness means being passive. How do we balance being kind to others with protecting our personal space? The short answer is that being kind isn’t about doing what others ask of us, its doing what we feel is right, warm, wise. Often we think falsely that being kind is giving in to others, sacrificing our needs for theirs. This simply isn’t kind. We make a martyr of ourselves, and a beggar of the other. Said differently, when we give in to the demands of others because of their insistence, we do ourselves and them an injustice.

Cultivating authentic kindness makes our giving skillful, and allows our mind to grow our resilience to pressure from others. For instance, if my daughter was throwing a temper tantrum because she really wants to drink some poison, and tells me I am the worst dad ever for stopping her, it doesn’t budge my kindness. “Yes, wail and lament, my dear daughter, all you want, get it out, say whatever… but you may not have that.” From the space of kindness, open and warm compassion, there is plenty of space inside me to hear her words with love, not become manipulated, not become distracted from what is really needed. In this way, being kind includes appropriate action.

From a different angle, consider that allowing ourselves to be pushed around often comes from us being in a low energy state, mutable, hungry. Someone says they want us to buy them a widget, and tells us we should. If we want them to like us, give to us, if we are hungry for their approval or affection, we feel pulled to give in. When we do metta practice, our hunger is satisfied internally, so we buy them the widget or don’t buy them the widget depending on what we feel is best, what we’d like to see. For instance, my daughter likes toys. Especially these my little pony figure things. So, when we go to the store, she really feels some pull toward those. “Daddy, pleeeeeaaaassse” and so forth. If I am hungry for her affection, I might buy her the toy even if it feels wrong. If I am trying to enforce boundaries, I might deny her the toy, even when it seems right. Instead, if I remain rooted in authentic kindness, I say yes or no based on the conditions, the whole picture. From strength, from free will, from inner wisdom… yes or no, depending on what feels right to me. No pressure to perform, give in, stand up for myself, capture her love, earn affection… nothing. Just yes or no, what seems right. She might think she pushed me into caving, or perhaps she didn’t push well enough and so I didn’t cave. But that’s nothing to me, not my issue, that’s her’s. (Obviously, because she’s my daughter, there is more than a passing concern for her mental state, but as an example).

Then, what arises next is simple, satisfying. Say we buy the widget and the other laughs at us. “Ha, ha, I got you to give to me, and I won’t give anything to you.” Not a bother, we gave without expectation of being fed, we were fed from the giving, from following our heart. Instead of a feeling of being used, being unappreciated for our gift of the widget, we feel sad for the person… accepting of their delusion. Why even bother saying “I gave because I wished to, and that you spit on me now only dishonors you”… because we can just smile, let them pass by, and get on with our day. No ripples, no regret. Just doing what we want, what feels right, walking our path of joy.

Does that help?

With warmth,
Matt