Dear Alessa,

my holiday is going fine, thanks. Much more limited in terms of mobility, so sightseeing, hiking and similar enjoyable activities are out of the question. But still, there’s swimming, eating ice-cream and just sitting by the sea, and I find joy in that too 🙂

That’s great to hear you are setting boundaries with your mother. It is a shame that she doesn’t take them too well. Sadly, expected.

Yeah, and it’s good that I am much less triggered when interacting with her (which is rare to begin with), and so I can mostly remain calm and composed. I used to overreact and yell at her when she said something nasty, and she used it as a proof that I’m the bad one, the crazy one, and that I’m abusing her. I’ve learned since that if I overreact, she’ll use it against me, and so it was important for me to learn emotional regulation.

I think the difficulty comes in, is if your mother is unwilling to meet your needs and boundaries. Like mine sadly was. Then you have to consider how much you want to invest in your relationship with her.

Yes, my relationship with her is very limited nowadays. We don’t live in the same country and I only meet her when going on holidays. She hasn’t changed but I have, and so I’m managing my interactions with her better. I don’t feel completely drained and defeated around her anymore.

The way my therapist said it was, think of her as someone who is sick and don’t expect much.

Yes, definitely. I’ve learned that a couple of years ago, and so my expectations are minimal. Still, when I experience her crossing my boundaries, and then feeling offended and telling me that I’m evil for expressing my needs – well, I’m not going to stay silent. I won’t start yelling at her like before, but I’m going to point it out. And then she usually drops it and changes the subject.

But I know she believes I’m a bad daughter, at least in those moments she does. But it doesn’t bother me anymore, because I don’t need her validation any longer. So I’m fine with standing up for myself, even if I know she won’t like me for that 🙂

I don’t really think in terms of right or wrong anymore. I try to look behind at the need that is being expressed and understand the other person’s emotional experience.

You don’t have to take responsibility for someone else’s experience, but I find that showing care for people when they are hurt, even when they lash out is important. I have found that it facilitates communication. Anger begets anger, but meeting anger with kindness can soften it.

Yes, I know what you mean. You show kindness and understanding for the person, even if they overreact or do or say something nasty – because you know that behind their bad behavior is an unmet need. And that they’re hurting. And that their overreaction or abusive behavior towards another may be a defense mechanism.

I find that a truly valuable approach and key in conflict resolution. To get people to communicate and express what hurt them, and also to acknowledge their genuine need. However, there are situations where you validate someone’s pain, show them empathy and kindness, and your willingness to talk things through. You extend your hand and your heart.

But all you get is their defenses getting stronger, their walls going up, and the person refusing any contact. Because you haven’t aligned with them and only them in the conflict, but instead, you’re trying to see everyone’s perspective and acknowledge everyone’s hurt. You’re trying to mediate, but they see it as betrayal.

I totally agree that anger begets anger, and doesn’t facilitate communication. But sometimes even kindness begets anger, if the person perceives your kindness to others as betrayal of them.

And I think those are conflicts that cannot be resolved unfortunately, no matter how kind and understanding we are with the person.

Hey Tee

I see you there – “Sometimes what hurts more is when bad behavior is rationalized and when guilt is “evenly distributed”. As in “we all have wounds and false perceptions, and so in a conflict, we’re all equally guilty. It’s everyone’s fault and no one’s fault. Now let’s continue as if nothing happened”.”

For sure 🙁 I know this dynamic well as it is one that I experienced as a result of being raised in an unsafe family:

1 We raise an issue
2 We are either
A) gaslit for bringing it up (we might get “No, that didnt happen” or something similar back)
B) or are attacked for bringing it up (we might get a passive aggressive “And whos fault was that?” or something similar)
3) The issue is left unresolved but life continues as if nothing had happened

with steps 1 – 3 going on into infinity. It’s a toxic cycle. I put up with it for so long growing up that it moulded my personality. Breaking out of it and inspecting myself for who I was underneath all of the defence mechanisms was a massive undertaking.

Sounds like you are on holiday. Enjoy your time away ❤️