Hi Alessa,

sure, it’s okay to move the conversation here, since yeah, it’s not so much about conflict any more 😊

My knee is marginally better now, maybe because I’m more diligent in strengthening my muscles, but as soon as there is any strain on it, such as walking up a few flights of stairs, it gets worse. But anyway, I’ve still got a few options that I’m going to try to achieve a bit more stable improvement, so that’s my plan 🙂

Good to hear that your son is showing interest in the Paw Patrol potty. Are you hoping that he might not even need a diaper in the nursery, so no need for diaper change? (sorry if I sound daft – I don’t know how long it takes to train a little one to go potty?)

I know it will be healthy for him to learn to trust others. He has been lucky so far, the vast majority of people have been kind to him.

Yes, I’m sure it will be good for him to socialize with other kids. And since he’s over 2 years old now (if I’ve got that right?), it’s okay for him to start the occasional “separation” from you, since around 2 begins the so-called individuation period. The child likes to explore their surroundings and then come back to the parent. Being away from you for a few hours seems like a perfect recipe for that. Plus, it gives you an opportunity to study for your exams 😊

Hmm well it’s complicated. I’ve always had a tendency for anxiety. I think a lot of the time, I have unrealistic expectations. I guess because I have needs, just like anyone else. I seek reassurance and empathy from people who might not be emotionally equipped to handle that in the moment.

Ah well, uncertainty is an issue for me. It’s common with autism. So much of life is uncertain.

Right, it’s good that you know where your anxiety is mostly coming from: unrealistic expectations (towards certain people) and a general uncertainty about life.

I guess because I have needs, just like anyone else.

I’d just like to confirm: yes, your needs are legitimate. It’s just that you might be looking to meet them by the kind of people who don’t have the emotional capacity for that, or don’t always have that capacity. So I guess that’s something to take into account, even if it may be painful…

As for general anxiety due to life being uncertain, yeah, I’m familiar with that. I guess it’s not necessarily just due to autism, but can be a consequence of complex PTSD. We haven’t learned safety, haven’t been brought up with the sense that we’re safe, because well… our mothers were unsafe. So that sense of a “safe harbor” is missing.

We now need to give it to ourselves, and it’s not always easy. It’s definitely not easy for me. But there are somatic techniques to deal with it, such as imagining a safe place, giving ourselves a hug, feeling safe in the here-and-now, being grounded and breathing deeply and slowly. In general, techniques to calm down our hyper-vigilant nervous system.. because that’s the basis for a general feeling of safety, I guess.

Thanks, I like programming. It’s really fun for me, my brain works in that straightforward way.

That’s great that you’ve found a field you like and feel enthusiastic about 👍 Wishing you well on your exams! 🤞 And also that it all fits nicely with the nursery, for a maximum win-win 😊

❤️❤️

Hi Alessa,

thanks for your concern about my health ❤️ (I cannot copy-paste the blue heart, which you switched to and which I too like, so I stay by the red version 😊 )

It’s not the best, but I cannot afford myself to start catastrophizing, so I’m trying to emotionally regulate myself while also seeking treatment. Hope this newest issue won’t last for too long 🙏

Yes, it’s the authoritative parenting style that is recommended these days. It is what I try to follow.

Oh, I haven’t heard about authoritative parenting style. I’ve just looked it up: it’s a balanced approach, neither strict and harsh (which is called authoritarian), nor permissive. This is a brief description:

Authoritative parents steer a middle path. They are warm and responsive, like permissive parents. They avoid harsh punishment, and allow room for a child to exercise some autonomy. But where permissive parents shrink away from enforcing standards, authoritative parents embrace it. They expect maturity and cooperation (as much as is appropriate for a child’s stage of development), and they guide behavior by reasoning with their kids.

Sounds good, Alessa! Sounds like a good, healthy approach, where the child is given love, empathy and warmth, but is also gently guided to steer away from bad behavior. ❤️ 👍

No doubt I still make mistakes Tee, even when I try not to. I’m lucky in that I have never shouted at my son. It seems like most parents do. The idea makes me feel very uncomfortable.

Sure, we all make mistakes, parents included. I imagine it takes a very strong self-control to never raise a voice with your child. But you’re doing it, you’re really trying your best to make him feel loved and accepted in every moment ❤️

I can’t even imagine how hard it was for you to start having those intrusive thoughts about your son when he would start crying. And it wasn’t your fault, it was your trauma being reactivated. But you did everything in your power to treat your intrusive thoughts earlier, before getting pregnant, and so when they’ve reappeared in a new form, you knew how to stop yourself from acting on them.

That’s remarkable, Alessa! It shows how much effort you’ve invested in your healing, not only for yourself but also for the benefit of your son ❤️

And you were proactive: you started arranging for help while still being pregnant with your son, because you were aware that things might get challenging, and your therapist at the time suggested it. So you really did everything in your power to be a good, prepared mother, and to have a support network if things get too challenging. And I hope you did get help during your postpartum depression?

At the same time, I’m sorry to hear that it wasn’t easy to get free help, and that you had to go through various mental health evaluations while also worrying if they would see you fit to be a mother. It must have been very frightening, Alessa, and I salute you for putting yourself through that.

You did it because you had one major goal: to be the best possible mother to your child. And this is what makes you an AMAZING mother, Alessa. Extremely self-aware, responsible, loving, caring… all of it ❤️❤️

My mother always said that something changed in her after she had children. Perhaps she might have had some kind of postpartum mental health issue that was untreat.

Possibly, because C-PTSD can be triggered by the stress of having a child. And no wonder, since it’s a significant stress for a more mentally healthy person too. So yeah, I can imagine it caused her to go overboard or something. Still, she hasn’t looked for help till much much later, right? And she was blaming you (her children) for some of her bad behavior.

I see that as the biggest problem: when the parent doesn’t want to admit that their reactions are inappropriate, that they aren’t able to emotionally regulate themselves, that they do abusive things when triggered, etc. So this unwillingness to admit there’s something wrong with them, that the stress they’re experiencing is not only coming from the outside, but also from within.

I would argue that for parents who are so abusive, yet they don’t admit it. There is an element of delusion there. How can someone who isn’t even present with reality ask for help?

Yes, there’s definitely delusion. Narcissistic people are famous for self-delusion: they’d never admit there’s something wrong with them. Always blaming others. And when you combine that with some other mental health disorders, I can imagine that the level of abuse can get pretty severe, because they don’t have the capacity (or the willingness) to self-reflect.

Of course, I don’t know what mental health issues your mother was suffering from, so I’m speaking in general. But it seems to me that the person can commit abuse when they either lack the capacity to self-reflect or lack the willingness to self-reflect. I see narcissism as lacking willingness to self-reflect, even though they might have the cognitive capacity for that. But I’m not an expert, so this might not be true. I guess things are more complicated than that…

I would argue that there are plenty of signs of child abuse beyond the obvious broken bones. It really depends on training. In the past, there was not a lot of training.

For example, my doctor should have spotted signs of severe child abuse. But back then they didn’t care about these things.

Migraines, bladder trouble, vomiting, constipation, fainting. These are signs of extreme levels of stress.

Very good point! Certain physical problems in children can indicate abuse, even if no bruises or broken bones are present. I do hope pediatricians are more observant to those symptoms and more educated about it than before!

I disagree with putting all of the responsibility on children to report severe abuse. It is common for parents to the threaten children to not speak out. Unless they trust that someone can or will actually going to do something about it, they keep quiet for their own safety.

Absolutely! It shouldn’t be on children to report abuse, because as you say, children are often intimidated and threatened. It should be the responsibility of teachers, coaches, pediatricians… to notice that something is amiss.

When I was a child, there was only one psychologist in our school (a school with more thousand children), and she was only dealing with children who caused trouble, with “bad” kids. Everybody was afraid of her, so I guess she wasn’t the best psychologist but was probably strict and threatening. I hope that nowadays, quality school counseling is more available, both for elementary and secondary school children.

You could argue that being withdrawn and shy itself needs investigating because it could be a mental health issue. These things require treatment, no matter the cause of you ask me.

Yes, it would be nice if every child would get individual attention, not only the trouble makers. That every child feels seen and not judged… Yeah, much more would need to be invested in mental health, but perhaps what would be important is to invest in the teachers’ mental health (and their education about mental health), so they can be a good role-model – something that many kids don’t have at home…

❤️❤️

Hi Alessa,

thank you for your kind words and prayers ❤️ Truth be told, I’m not that resilient, or rather, I’m learning to become more resilient, since the circumstances are forcing me… but I hope things improve soon enough 🙏

I’m happy that the postpartum depression (as well as pre-birth mental health screening) are all behind you now, and that you’ve found a good therapist whom you trust and feel safe with ❤️

Yes, that sounds like a very challenging and scary period, but you did your best, were well prepared, arranged help… and you’ve made it! You’re now on the other side, sailing some calmer waters, and you seem well equipped to deal with any potential challenges. So again, kudos to you, Alessa, for being such a great mom! 🤞❤️

What are your favourite techniques for emotionally regulating? I was curious about your mention of somatic techniques earlier. I’m always keen to try new things.

For me, the most eye-opening was the idea that my chronic back pain (which has thankfully subsided in the last year or so) usually gets worse if I’m fearing it, i.e. if my brain is interpreting it as something dangerous. Because that’s when the muscles contract, leading to even more pain. The more I focus on the pain, fearing it and catastrophizing about the future, the worse off I’m going to be.

There is a youtube video that nicely demonstrates how to deal with pain anxiety, and how observing it with curiosity rather than fearing it and panicking about it – is likely to reduce the symptoms. The video is titled Anxiety Regulation to Reduce Chronic Pain (pt 2 of 2) — Pain Reprocessing with Alan Gordon, LCSW, and it’s on the youtube channel called “This Might Hurt.”

The method is called somatic tracking. Another therapist, Tanner Murtagh, also has a very good youtube channel on somatic tracking. The goal is to feel more safe in the body and not associate pain with danger. Basically, being curious and simply observe the pain, similarly to how one would observe their emotions in mindfulness meditation.

Other somatic tools are simple ones, like belly breathing with a longer exhale, or self-hug, or various grounding techniques.

But to be honest, when I’m sad or upset, the best method for me is to let myself feel it (have a good cry 😊), and in the process even come to certain insights. So emotional release and processing, of course in the safety and privacy of my home…

She tried to get help by the time I was in my tweens. She was taking medication for a while before, but the doctor she had was not helpful and just brushed her off as depressed. She needed a lot more than antidepressants.

Perhaps one good thing about your mother is that she did eventually seek help, even though you’d suffered a lot before that happened. I’m sorry she didn’t get proper treatment at first and that her condition was brushed off as depression, all the while she was abusive to you and your brother 😕

Good that she eventually let you see a psychologist on your own – which means that her grip on you did subside a little, I hope? Like, she could see that what she was doing is not normal, so there was some self-awareness in there, even if it’s just an inkling… and that I guess helped you free yourself from her grip, slowly but surely…

That is a shame your school psychologist didn’t bother with other kids only the troublesome ones. I agree, all children should be supported to the fullest extent. You deserved help and care as much as any other child.

Ah, that was normal in those times. I never considered myself abused. It was emotional abuse “only” – I guess not even adults knew about it in those times, not to mention children. I guess broken bones and a bruised face (and perhaps sudden bad marks) would have been the only warning signs that mattered. But in the absence of that, it wasn’t an issue. Not even I knew there was an issue… (thankfully I know now 🙏)

I feel like teachers are in the best position to pick up on difficulties that children have, since they spend the most time with them. It would be great if they had some trauma informed training to spot signs of difficulties and I agree with you about mental health support. It is such a shame that they are so overworked

Yeah, trauma informed training for teachers, that would be amazing. But I guess the biggest task still lies on the parents and their level of awareness. It’s good that more and more parents have started to learn about conscious parenting and realizing that the child’s emotional needs are important too, not just their physical needs. So that’s something that brings hope for future generations… 🤞 🙏

Thanks so much for your kindness and support, Alessa!

❤️❤️

Dear Alessa:

First thing I want to say (made it safely home, yeah!) is that I will never intentionally ignore you. This is a promise!

Personally, I prefer to not communicate with anyone here in the forums AND on email, but if the forums/ website become unavailable I would love to communicate with you over email and phone, if you would like that (I have your email address). It’d be exciting to meet you in-person one day!

*Intrusive Thoughts Trigger Warning-

What I had in mind to tell you earlier (during the hours long drive) was in regard to the intrusive thoughts you shared about. I never shared this before, but as a teenager+ I had similar thoughts in regard to babies/ young children I came across, like this one cousin. I didn’t know of the term “intrusive thoughts” back then (I did suffer from heavy-duty OCD, diagnosed much later, in my 20s), but the thoughts freaked me out, I felt evil and I was greatly distressed. I didn’t act on those thoughts but they so distressed me.

When I saw back then babies freely crying, freely laughing, freely just being, I got angry because I was not allowed to cry or express anything freely. I had to suppress everything day in and day out, and I was jealous/ envious of children who weren’t STOPPED from expressing. I was so envious, I wanted to stop them from having the privileges I was denied. To just be, to just breathe freely.

Looking back, I understand that I was not a bad person for feeling what I felt, for being envious and angry.. and for the (intrusive) thoughts I had.

And when I think of you having had the intrusive thoughts you had, I feel nothing but empathy for you, as well as gratitude that neither one of us acted on those thoughts.

You are a wonderful person and a wonderful mother. Thank you for.. being YOU!!!

*Please let me know if you’re okay with what I shared..???

So, the beagle is home, he’s scared, everything here is unfamiliar to him and no single dog here to welcome him (there were DOZENS where he’s from, including his parents and siblings) The car is full of vomit (too dark out to attempt to clean it). The smell is still in my nose.. But love is reaching beyond smells and mishaps. I already love him!

And, good news: so, he wouldn’t get on his newly purchased dog bed. But I gently placed sliced turkey in front of him, then placed some on his dog bed.. then more on the center of his dog bed..

And guess who is lying down on his dog bed..? (Not me, ha-ha)

🤍 🙏 🤍Anita