Dear Alessa:

“I am a proud mama. 🤍” thumbs up for mama Alessa 🤍🤍🤍!

“I think it’s understandable to be angry about not getting an apology after all of that abuse.”- that ship (the apology ship) has shipped long, long ago.

“In my experience, people who don’t want to acknowledge the severity of the pain they’ve caused have a difficult time apologising. True remorse means feeling the pain. For people who are so triggered by pain, they try and avoid it preferring to live in the comfort of denial. And yet, it cannot be denied entirely. I believe these things eat away at them and further their self-hatred. 🤍”-

I understand the difficulty in self-reflecting and holding oneself accountable. I understand that bad people have their own struggles. By bad, I mean people who repeatedly harm FOR DECADES, blaming their victims.

“I don’t view intrusive thoughts as a genuine threat. Please don’t worry, talking about these things isn’t upsetting me”- Thank you 🙏

“I’m sorry that your mother threatened you like that. Mine did too. It is a terrifying experience to feel like your life is in danger with your own mother. Things should never be this way. 🤍”- Yes, things shouldn’t be this way.

🙏🤍🙏 Anita

Hi Alessa,

thank you for sharing with me more about your mother and why she chose to seek help. Yeah, it doesn’t seem it was for the right reasons, I mean she didn’t seek help because she was dangerous to her children but to herself. But the good part is that the authorities were informed and you eventually started going to therapy, and so the ball started rolling…

I understand your feelings about her not wanting to admit what she did and just giving you a general apology “for whatever she might have done wrong that she doesn’t remember”. I guess a part of her didn’t even want to admit it to herself.

It’s interesting she was discussing what you did to protect yourself from SA with her friend… was it because she wanted to paint you in a bad light, maybe prove that you were aggressive or rebellious with her, without disclosing what actually caused that aggression?

When I was a child I just hated my mother and recognised that I was becoming like her. I didn’t want to become like her. She told me that I was just like her. I tried my best to change as much as I could.

You definitely have changed a lot – you’ve changed yourself and you’ve changed the outcomes for your son! You can be really proud of yourself!! ❤️

And I think your mother was sort of brainwashing you into believing that you were just like her, when you were nothing like. You were a caring sister who was taking her of her little brother at the tender age of 4 or 5, if I remember well, while your mother was depriving you of food, for example.

I think telling those things to you was a way for her to feel better about herself and put you down. I’m glad she didn’t manage you convince you that your destiny will be the same as hers. You’ve risen above your trauma and are trailblazing a new path… it’s pretty remarkable ✨ ❤️

I am glad that your son got a place in a nursery that you prefer, even if it will happen a few months later. But as you said, it will give you more time to mentally prepare for the idea, and even do the potty training. 👍 It’s cute that he is showing more and more interest in the potty and was even sitting on it willingly. That’s a great development, proud mama Alessa! 😊

It is a difficult position to be in with the damaging effects of constant verbal abuse are only recently being acknowledged and previously constantly dismissed. Gaslighting, to the extreme. No one deserves to suffer alone. I’m glad that you fought for yourself to get through it all.

Yes, it’s insidious because the child feels sorry for their sad mother and wants to help her, and then feels bad for not being able to cheer her up. That part is perhaps the most damaging because it gives you a sense of hopelessness and helplessness, which later spills into other areas of life.

So it’s very soul-crushing… and I wasn’t even aware of this hopeless part of me until I’ve started experiencing chronic health problem, particularly loss of mobility. 😕 And it’s still hard to deal with, but at least now I know that the hopelessness is almost a conditioned response, it stems from my childhood. And I can counter it by working with my inner child…

I’m glad you liked the resources about somatic tracking – I hope it will help you with chronic pain issues. And yes, it was a revelation for me too that just stress in itself can cause physical symptoms (such as lower back pain or neck pain), even though there is no actual physical injury.

But where there is an actual injury, it’s very tricky, because usually we think that the increase in pain means that the physical condition is worsening too, e.g. a bulge getting worse, which then brings the fear of surgery and other catastrophizing thoughts.

It was a huge relief for me to learn that back pain can get worse due to stress (muscle contractions) and sensitization of nerve endings. And so more pain doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m in a greater danger. The solution is to simply wait it out, till the flare is gone, and things will get better… anyway, you know all that, having been living with chronic pain yourself. 🫂 But it’s good, as long at it’s manageable! 🤞 🙏

Merry Christmas to you once again!! ✨ 🎄 ❤️

Dear Alessa:

I just read for the first time what you posted half an hour ago. I am so sorry you are having a flare up (I wonder what kind.. physical, PTSD..?). I am thinking of you too. Please do your best to take care of yourself at this time.

🩵🩵🩵 Anita

Dear Alessa,

sorry to hear about your flare-up 😢 I hope you can restock on your medication ASAP and that it will get better soon. Hold on, Alessa, and please take it easy!

🤞 🙏 ❤️

Dear Alessa, my friend:

I hope that you got your medications by this time..???

I am having a tough time myself. Last night I destroyed my computer when I allowed Bogart to sit by me and move things around and then I spilled something on the computer, I don’t know how much money a new one will cost. So, I am feeling an increase in anxiety.

“Blue is my favourite colour.”- 🩵 🩵 🩵 🩵 🩵 🩵 🩵

Anita