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Perspective needed

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  • July 14, 2016 at 12:36 am #109643
    greenshade
    Participant

    Hey guys. I’m back with a new question. I seem to be taking a lot more from this site than I give, so I want to thank you guys for being patient and present to do all the giving 🙂
    I developed feelings for a friend who is unavailable. I ended contact as much as I could, given that we work at the same place. However, I am a little bewildered by the strength of my feelings. The pain of loosing that connection is very severe and the attachment was very strong. I guess what I need is some perspective on why I became as attached as I did. I generally tend to not become very attached to either friends or romantic partners (I recognize that as a protective mechanism and I am trying to overcome it). I am trying to ask myself questions so as to better understand what need wasn’t being met that he helped meet but haven’t come to any answers that feel true.
    I would really appreciate your help with this.
    love,
    me

    July 14, 2016 at 2:02 am #109644
    mahesh
    Participant

    Hi Greenshade,

    ‘What you resist ,persist’
    I thinks the above quote sums up the reason for strong attachment with that guy.As you said that you always try not getting attached to friends or romantic partners,I think this is the very reason you are feeling so attached to him.You haven’t explained in detail about the kind of connection you both were into.But it’s natural to feel strong connection to someone whom you had close acquaintance with.
    I suggest you to not to focus on why are you feeling so attached to him,instead focus on its such a great thing that I feel attachment to someone.Embrace the feeling.Maybe it was the same attachment that was missing previously was fulfilled by him.

    Mahesh Agarwal

    July 14, 2016 at 5:22 am #109647
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi greenshade,

    Enjoy your crush! 🙂 It is just that ~ a harmless crush. Don’t worry about it. And don’t mislabel it! “I have feelings…connection…attachment…” (way too heavy!)

    The reasons you’re crushing? Possibly:

    1. He’s in the same soul group and you recognized him
    2. He is “safe” to have a crush on as he is unavailable. You get to have all the “feels” without having to do anything about it
    3. You share a work space. Spending all day everyday with someone is bound to stir latent feelings eventually

    But none of this really matters, the “why”.

    Best,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 9 months ago by Inky.
    July 14, 2016 at 8:34 am #109655
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear greenshade?

    Did you know he was unavailable from the start? If so, the fact that he was unavailable can be the reason for the strong attachment.

    Otherwise, it can be that he reminds you of one of your parents, something about his mannerism, maybe looks, something..?

    anita

    July 14, 2016 at 12:39 pm #109673
    greenshade
    Participant

    Hey guys thank you for replying!

    Mahesh, thank you for saying this:”I suggest you to not to focus on why are you feeling so attached to him,instead focus on its such a great thing that I feel attachment to someone” reframing it in my head does help!

    Hi Inky! I guess I should give some details. We have known each other for around 2 years but started working in the same division recently. We became very close very quickly and both of us started acting like it was a relationship. It wasn’t platonic anymore so I decided to cut contact a couple of weeks ago, but that triggered a lot more pain than I was expecting. I do agree that it was safe to have feelings for him, since I did not expect them to be returned. I guess answering the why is my way of gaining closure? Or maybe I feel like understanding it will help me feel better, but maybe I just need to wait for it pass and let the why go.

    Hi Anita! I did know he was unavailable from the start. The closest I have gotten to understanding is I felt I could count on him, that is he made an effort to be present and that made it feel like the entire burden of the friendship wasn’t on my shoulders, which was very liberating. I have been hurt by friends in the past so I am grateful when my friends are there for me, but I don’t expect them to be. In terms of parents, he and my mum are both soft spoken, so that is a similarity. But I generally like soft spoken people otherwise also.

    July 14, 2016 at 1:41 pm #109674
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi again, greenshade!

    When you say he is “unavailable”, is he married?

    It’s too bad you guys already fooled around (thus showing that he is a cad), otherwise I would counsel HIM to break up with the girlfriend he’s clearly unhappy with.

    Anyway, you did the right thing going forward and this is not your problem.

    July 14, 2016 at 1:49 pm #109675
    greenshade
    Participant

    Hey inky he isn’t married but is in a relationship. We didn’t have a physical relationship, it was more emotional I guess.But thank you for saying that it isn’t my problem, I do feel guilty about withdrawing and I have to keep reminding myself it was the right thing to d do.

    July 14, 2016 at 3:41 pm #109676
    Inky
    Participant

    OK, well, if it’s just emotional…

    HE has to drop her before he can start anything with anyone. You have NOTHING to feel guilty about! He knows the deal. If he wants to be with you, he has to drop her. If he wants both, he will only find himself with her. Not higher math here.

    Continue to do the right thing!

    July 15, 2016 at 9:31 am #109739
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear greenshade:

    I am glad, by the way, that you started another thread and please do continue to do so- I like reading from you.

    This guy at work is soft spoken and I can see how that would be attractive, feel safe to you. When you feel safe around a person, safe in not expecting the person to explode at you with anger, tantrums, abuse, like your father had done, then you are free to feel attraction, hope, joy, warmth.

    You wrote: “he made an effort to be present and that made it feel like the entire burden of the friendship wasn’t on my shoulders”- with your father, you had to go on walks with him, at least once, when you had a high fever, go out with him to exercise, was it (don’t remember at the moment)? That was a huge burden- as well as having to endure his explosions… you had to suffer a lot so to have him in your life, or more precisely: you had to suffer a lot to maintain a relationship with your father. So, with this guy at work, you didn’t have to suffer at all, no burden of pain.

    And so you got attached to him as is human nature as social beings.

    What do you think?

    anita

    July 16, 2016 at 2:11 am #109784
    greenshade
    Participant

    Hey Inky !thank you for the affirmation !!

    Hey Anita!I always appreciate your perspective so I’m glad you like reading from me :D.
    I do think I feel threatened by guys and I felt safe with him because he had a very quiet, calm presence. I also think I have pattern of making more effort in my friendships than other people do and it was so wonderful to have someone make the same amount of effort.It also contributed to the sense of security right? Like crazy things weren’t expected from me. I also realized today that he sort of held up a mirror and allowed to examine my thoughts, which was a very new experience for me. I feel like I need to really do that right now, and I think that also played a huge part.He was basically acting as a therapist for me.

    July 16, 2016 at 9:19 am #109793
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear greenshade:

    Seems like you learned from this experience what kind of people you need in your life (and what kinds you need to NOT be in your life). You learned what kind of man to look for if you consider a relationship: a quiet, calm man who listens to you, helps you examine your thoughts, puts effort in the relationship, as much effort as you do.

    anita

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