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Please help me to take a decision!

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This topic contains 39 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  anita 2 weeks, 2 days ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 40 total)
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  • #188285

    anita
    Participant

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    #188291

    anita
    Participant

    Dear freddo:

    You are welcome and thank you for your good wishes for me.

    If I was you, my number one goal when she comes over is to be good friends with her so to do a good job co-parenting your children, to not make the situation awkward for any one of you.

    I wouldn’t express to her any interest in re-establishing the marriage, or in a physically intimate relationship otherwise. There would be no benefit to doing that and too many chances that it will lead to disadvantage.

    You wrote that you “have to do everything for her”- don’t do too much. Keep some neutrality and objectivity about her. See her more and more as the mother of your children, a co parent, and less and less (better not at all, if it was possible for you) as a potential love partner. With this attitude, you are more likely to not feel angry at her, and she is more likely to have the space that she needs.

    If there was to be a love relationship with her again, that should happen not because she is pressured. Not because she is alone and lonely in France, but because there really is a meeting-of the minds and hearts between the two of you. For that purpose, if there was to be a relationship, make sure it doesn’t happen in the first few months of her arrival.

    Don’t expect it to happen. Let go of your hopes and dreams for such best you can. And do post anytime you’d like.

    anita

     

    #204807

    freddo
    Participant

    So long since last update. Things went good for me since last post. Working, studying languages, getting my driving license….

    But today another blow. My ex contact me saying that her new boyfriend ask her for wedding.

    Well she was supposed to move to France with the kids in July. That what was agreed and we discussed the topic last week.

    She doesn’t know what to do now. That what she says anyway.

    Maybe she already took the decision to stay there. We are in good terms anyway and tomorrow we will have a video call.

    I really don’t want to go back to Argentina. No way. I am really focused here and I am getting more things here in 6 months than 10 years there.

    As for my kids. They will better here.

    But I can’t live away from them and I can’t stop here to be with the man she loves now.

    I can’t believe I am on the same crossroad again.  But the other way around.

    She told the guy that she would eventually moved to France but doesn’t seem that he respected her choice.

    And now she has to make a tough decision herself.

    So again I am stuck.  I don’t know what to do. What to think. What to say….

    Thanks for you help guys. You have been very helpful in the past.

     

     

     

     

    #204813

    anita
    Participant

    Dear freddo:

    What a tough situation for you and for the children. You really like it in France. And you believe your children’s better well-being is in France.

    She has been in a relationship with this man for a while, planned on leaving him and living in France, correct?

    And she is now considering canceling the plan to move to France because he asked her to marry him. I wonder why is a wedding so important to her, what difference it would make in her life being married to him compared to being in a relationship with him that it has been so far.

    And what difference such a marriage would make in the children’s lives, financially, otherwise?

    anita

    #204877

    freddo
    Participant

    Yes. It’s a nightmare .

    My kids are so happy about moving to France.  My whole family organized themselves for us to move.

    I have a decent job. My kids are allready enlisted in school here.

    I was focused on here. Last time I went to Argentina I stayed just 3 days to drop the kids.

    Even if I’ve met my friends and had good time, it was clear to me that that was past.

    That I would never come back again and that my future wasn’t there.

    I can’t go back.  My time is done down there.

    Good experience.  I loved it but that’s it.

    But frankly I can’t live without my kids either.

    I m stuck.

     

     

     

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by  freddo.
    #204885

    anita
    Participant

    Dear freddo:

    Maybe you will know more tomorrow after that video call with her. Can you prepare now questions to ask her tomorrow? Better be prepared.

    anita

    #204947

    freddo
    Participant

    We had the video call today.

    No one lost his temper and we both explained our point of view.

    Me, on the first hand to stay in France because it’s better for my kids and I am doing quiet well. Lots of plans for my future and my family is very supportive.  But I respect her and wants her to be happy. Even if that means that she marries someone else.

    Her, on the other hand wants to stay in Argentina. She is 37 and don’t want to finish alone. I think she is quit young to think like that. As I told her, you never know what can happen in the future. Maybe this relationship won’t last long. Maybe it will…. But she also knows that my kids want to move to France and that they will be better there .

     

    So here we are. She doesn’t know what to do.

    I am scared that her new love will try everything to convince her. I just hope she will put the well being of the kids first.

    I told her that maybe they could come other to try. And if nothing works out we would come back to Argentina.

    I will never stay that far for my kids. They need me too much. Both of us.

     

    So I just have to wait and do my best to prove to her it’s worth moving here.

     

    Thanks for reading my sad story .

    Can t wait to be happy and to sleep well at night.

    #205005

    anita
    Participant

    Dear freddo:

    I hope you sleep well at night too. You wrote: “she also knows that my kids want to move to France and that they will be better there” – I wish she allowed the children to move to France and be with you even if she chose Argentina. With your family’s support you can take good care of your children in France, I would think.

    Is this an option she may consider: stay in Argentina and let the children move to and live permanently in France with you (she can visit…)

    anita

    #211337

    freddo
    Participant

    Well, lately we communicate a little more. She went from ” I am staying in Argentina with the kids” to “come pick up the kids and bring them to France with you”.

    So things are definitely better. We agreed that I would go to Argentina in august so they can start school in France in September.

    She told me that she will stay alone and figure out what to do later. For now I know that she plans to move to a bigger place with her new boyfriend.

    I try to keep everything as peacefully as I can. We are really getting along better. So I don’t want to spoil everything.

    First things first, I want my boys to be here with me. Then maybe she will see everything differently.

    It may sounds suicidal but I haven’t lost my hopes to have my family back. Time will tell. I am a little scared of the impact for my kids to have their mum away.

    I know it’s not like she is choosing her boyfriend over her kids but it’s weird for me. I try not to judge her but still… I won’t tell her anything anyway. Maybe her way to show them her love is to let them go for a better life…

    Thanks for your support 🙂

     

     

    #211357

    anita
    Participant

    Dear freddo:

    Good to read from you, particularly that the kids may start school in France this coming September.

    You wrote: “We (you and your ex wife) are really getting along better. So I don’t want to spoil everything”- I agree, keep that getting-along-well relationship, keep it as it is best for the kids and for you.

    If she stays in Argentina and the kids live in France with you and your family is in France, loving, supportive, then the kids will have a whole lot of love in France, without their mother present. There will be a lack in their lives, an absence, sure. But if they have you to really listen to them, to mirror back to them their sadness, then they will be able to handle that sadness and still become healthy adults.

    Most important for a child is not to be alone with their sadness. It is when a child is alone with a distressing feeling, being unseen, unapproved of, criticized for what they feel, it is then that the child becomes sick.

    In other words, it is not the sadness itself that sickens a child, it is being alone with it.

    And then, depending on who the mother is… my mother, I was sad and alone in her presence. She was very present, and I was very sad. But I hope this is not the case with your children.

    Post again anytime. I think you are doing the right thing for you and for your children. (Regarding hoping to get the family back together, it is okay to hope, but place it in a parenthesis, in your brain, just like I did on this page, lacing the thought in parenthesis).

    anita

     

    #218869

    freddo
    Participant

    Update after two months 🙂

    Things hab been like an emotional roller-coaster… She went from “I am marrying my new boy-friend”, to “come pick-up the kids ans I am staying in Argentina”, to “My new boy-friend made my realize that I always do what you want me to do; so we are all staying there”, to again “come and pick-up the kids” and finally “I’am coming over with kids and will stay in France until they are all set-up”.

    So they are coming in two weeks…  According to her she will stay few months then go back alone to Argentina.

    I guess It will leave us some time to talk and analyze what happened to our family.  I think I’ve managed the whole thing quit well despite the distance. She was that close to stay in Argentina with the kids. But I kept my messages calm, never threatened her or spoke bad about her new-boyfriend. Always with respect and understanding.

    Being back with her is not even in my top 10 priority. Not because I don’t like her anymore, but I just realized that it’s not the woman I’ve met 13 years ago. I am not the same man either. She is not better or worse, it’s just another person. I guess it happened in every couple.

    But for now, my kids are number one on my list 🙂

    Thanks for your help, helped me a lot to go through the most harsh and painful time in my life.

     

     

     

     

     

    #218935

    anita
    Participant

    Dear freddo:

    You are welcome. You did very well to remain calm while your ex wife went up and down and sideways in her emotions and impulsivity. I do hope she settles down, be it in Argentina, as she currently plans on returning there after some time in France. Do keep your calm, it continues to be your best strategy for your own emotional well being, for your children’s and it increases the chances that your ex wife will emotionally settle down, calm down. I suppose in all her distress, it will be easier for her not to take care of the children, that they will be away and with you.

    So I would repeat to her gently, at times (not often or roughly so to not appear to be pushing her or pressuring her) that they will be well taken care of, that she has nothing to worry, that she can contact them anytime, video chats and such and that she can visit and re-visit them.

    Glad you keep posting here and I am looking forward to read from you anytime!

    anita

    #221959

    freddo
    Participant

    My kids and ex arrived one week ago. We has very good quality time together, like a  “family”. We talked a lot, but nothing about what happend and the future. Maybe because I am too scared to face the truth… maybe because I dind’t want to ruin anything.

    Tomorrow they are leaving for a week to my parents place by the sea. I can’t go because of work.

    When will have to talk when they come back she told me…

    I kno she is confused, she brought all her stuff and our kids. But she is not really clear if she will stay here or go back to Argentina …

    She want to see if the boys are doing fine at school here…

    I know her new boy-friend is texting her everyday… Damn phones….

     

     

    #221999

    anita
    Participant

    Dear freddo:

    Reads to me that there is not much that she would have told you during this week if you did talk. You already know the situation: she is confused, she doesn’t know what to  do, she is very attached and involved with her boyfriend in Argentina, she is very much considering the children staying in France for a long time (wanting “to see if the boys are doing fine at school here”). I don’t think there is much she can tell you when back from your parents’.

    If when she is back she says: yes, I am sure, the children must stay in France! This will probably mean that she got all excited during her stay at your parents’ place by the sea or otherwise, and at that moment, wants them to have a life in France. But you can’t count on her moment of excitation to last!

    So take it day by day, keep your calm, don’t get excited yourself when she makes positive statements or depressed when she makes negative statements, not giving much weight to either. Be nice to her, gentle, not pressuring her either way, suggest things to her to ease her distress. This will calm the children, to see their parents kind and patient with each other and will be your best bet moving forward.

    anita

    #223165

    freddo
    Participant

    I managed to spend five days with my ex and kids at my parent’s place. I had great times with my kids, they were so happy to see me. We did a lot of things like a regular family, kids loved it. Hiking, swimming, going to circus, going out to have drinks….

    She was ok I guess, she cried a few times. We did talk a little. She told me it was too hard for her to leave Argentina because of her new boy-friend. That maybe the kids would go to school in France for two months then go back to Argentina with her.

    I told her we should take one step after one-other… According to her she is too old for another start and should play safe and go back to Argnetina.

    So why did she sold everything and brought everything to France? Didn’t look like a two month holiday vocation to me.

    I really like/respect her but I am starting getting mad about her changing her mind.

    It’s time for her to think about herself she told me.

    But I am sure her new boy-friend is begging her to come back everyday on the phone. Convincing her she would never be happy again.

    I’ve been very respectful and kind to her, not pressuring her…

    Kids are starting school next monday, maybe she will realize the benefits of them living here.

    I don’t mind raising my kids alone, but I would be really pissed off if a guy ,she didn’t even knew a year and a half before, jeopardizes my kids future.

    That the thing I don’t get… She came here by her own will… I was 12.000 km away when she decided to sell everything and move here… It’s not like I was pointing a gun at her head for her to pack and bring the kids…

    The Boys are really happy here, I can’t imagine them moving back to Argentina, specially now…

    But I don’t want to argue with her either, I don’t want her to feel umcomfortable.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 40 total)

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