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Please help me to take a decision!

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This topic contains 39 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  anita 2 weeks, 2 days ago.

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  • #223193

    anita
    Participant

    Dear freddo:

    I feel sad reading the recent news, that she said that “maybe the kids would go to school in France for two months then go back to Argentina with her”. I imagine your sadness and concern are much deeper. I figured she is impulsive, but didn’t know she was that impulsive. This worries me.

    “It’s time for her to think about herself she told me”- reads like she is thinking about herself, not about the kids. Maybe this is what her boyfriend tells her on the phone and she repeated it to you.

    If she is that suggestable, repeating to you what her boyfriend says, changing her mind drastically because of what he says, maybe it is a good idea that you do tell her that it is for the best interest of the children that they stay with you for the whole school year (and longer, of course, but one year at a time). Maybe you should make an appointment with a school counselor or some other counselor with her, so that she will hear a professional stand on it being good for the kids to stay in the same school for the year, not just two months, then being unsettled.

    My suggestion before that you will be gentle with her, not pressuring her was based on what I thought was a close to fruition plan that the kids will stay with you in France for the whole year and for the rest of their childhoods. The reason I suggested that you will be gentle with her was not for her well being, but for the well being of the children.

    Reads like she is indeed impulsive, more than I thought before, that she is not reasonable. How sad. Please let me know of your thoughts, feelings, ideas, at this point.

    anita

     

     

    #223665

    freddo
    Participant

    My ex and kids stayed two more days alone at my parent’s house. The day I left, she changed her whattsapp profile picture ( her with our two boys) for a picture of her and new boyfriend.

    But my mother has her as a contact, she saw the picture but doesn’t ‘beat around the bush’. She told her that it was not nice from her to expose that picture since she was staying at her place and that she likes her like a daughter.

    My ex apologizes and changed the picture. They had an extended chat, sharing their point of view.

    They came back today. She told me about the incident so it was a good oportunity to speak. Only chitchat since they arrived.

    At first she told me that she realized that moving here was a big mistake for her.

    Then I explained to her that I never pressured her, beg her or threantened her. That she took the decision on her own. 14000 kilometers from me.

    That the point. Since we split, I managed to eep my calm always. I never spied on her or tried to ruin her new relationship. That what I told her. I like her so much that I was ready to let her go so she could be happy, even with another person.

    I was hurt but for the sake of my kids and her I never behaved outrageously. I did create all her social accounts and have access to her phone but I never preyed or spied on her.

    As well I explained to her that she jumped from a relationship to another directly. That she dind’t took time to grieve, that now she is experiencing the loss I went through more than a year before. I was upset, but never told her, when she started dating right away after we split. I guess that was her way to deal with the situation.

    I, on the other hand, was not looking for another relationship right now. I wanted to concentrate on myself, my kids, my skills and wanted to become a better person.

    Then she told me little about her new relationship, how great her new boyfriend behave with her, how much my kids like him…

    I ensure her that wanting her and the kids to France was not  part of a big plan to have her split with her new boyfriend. Like a revenge of some sort. I told her that I knew what she was leaving behind and that I would never have asked to do so if I wasn’t sure that I was better for our kids future.

    And it’s true.

    Finally I asked her what she told her new boyfriend when she left. And you have to understand that she always had trouble confronting people. Maybe she is too nice, maybe too weak… For exemple she never really told me she was starting to date a person, even if we were still living under the same room, back in Argentina.. My older son told me first and it was painful to learn it from him. Not really nice to hear him saying ” last night, when you were working, a friend of mum came home to visit her”…

    So that’s why I asked her what she told her new boyfriend before leaving because I know she is not the most straightforward person. She told him that she would go to France few months to see how things would turn out. Well in her language that means she didn’t tell him anything and that the guy is waiting for her to come back.

    And I was right because she admitted that he wrote to her about having to move to a new house, and that he wanted to rent a bigger place for when she will come back, alone, or with the kids. And that he was asking and asking again the date of her return.

    I gently explained to her that it was a way for him to pressure her, she agreed. And told me that she will ask him to look for house for himself alone and that ,if she comes back, they will look for something bigger.

    Maybe little by little she will get tired of him being needy and pressuring her… But for now I don’t put him down. I don’t want to become the villain, their common enemy.

    So for now I wait and see, on monday my kids will start school in France. I am sure they will love it, and she will realize what’s better for them.

    Nearly one year since my first post. I was still in Argentina, dazed and confuzed.

    One year later I learned how to ride a motorcycle, a car, I learned intermediate Chinese, made new friends, learned a new job, became less sellfish, learned how to seized the moment, become a better person, a more loving father and France won another World Cup.

    But the best part is that I haven’t turned into an hopeless and bitter person.

    And  I want to thank all of you, especially Anita, for it.

     

     

     

     

     

     

    #223721

    anita
    Participant

    Dear freddo:

    You are very welcome. Indeed in two weeks (Oct 15)  it will be a year since you started your thread. You are doing all the right things for your kids and for yourself. I feel quite confident to state that you are indeed a good father. I appreciate it but more importantly, way more importantly, your sons appreciate it.

    Your ex wife, I hope she keeps this in mind as she makes her choices. The more comfortable/ safe you make it for her, the more likely that she will be straightforward with you and that she will answer your questions honestly.

    I was wondering, since your ex wife is impulsive and is inclined to not be straightforward, and therefore she is not very dependable, is a way for you to keep your kids in France legally, by seeing a French lawyer and getting the French legal system involved.

    What if you gather some information about this possibility, if it exists for you, without your ex’s knowledge, so to have a backup plan. What do you think?

    anita

     

    #233339

    freddo
    Participant

    Some update since last time 🙂 !!!!

    Lot of things happened… My kids started school and their activities. They fit very well in their new environment. Have friends, speak good french and doing OK at school.

    My ex takes great care of them.

    About three weeks ago she wanted to have a talk with my mother. She wanted to tell her that going to France was a mistake, that she wanted to go back to Argentina on her own. Leaving the kids here with me until the end of school’s year.

    The talk didn’t end up like she wanted. My Mom told her she was a coward and that she expected better from her.

    Then we had a walk and she told me that maybe we should move to some place, away from my parents and to strive for our kids…. Never met someone changing his mind in such a radical way and in so few hours.

    Then she asked me to send a message to her boyfriend, explaining that she was still in love with him and not having relations with me other than friendship with me. That I managed to find a place for her and the kids to stay and everything was just for the sake of our kids.

    I sent the message, the boyfriend send me back like 15 messages in one hour. I could note that he wasn’t aware that she was moving with me and that he was thinking that she was coming back with the kids to live with him soon.

    I didn’t answer any of his messages, but he was very insistent.

    She told me that sending this message made things more easy for her to make her boyfriend understand her decisions.

    So we looked for a rent. Rents are expensive in this town, especially for a family with a single low wage. But we found a perfect house, nearly 90m2 with a huge bedroom with mezzanine for the kids with their own bathroom.

    My mum lend me money to buy a fridge and everything else and the rest of my family brought me furniture, plates…. Everyone was very supportive.

    One day before signing the lending contract, she send me a message, again telling me that coming over to France was a big mistake, that I was deciding everything for her and so on….

    So I told her that I had enough, that I couldn’t do it anymore… That I would pay her a ticket to Argentina and that I will bring the kids to her at the end of the year…

    And she changed her mind again telling me we should rent… so we rented the place.

    We moved in yesterday. Of course it was not like we moved as an happy family, and I know it’s hard for her. We share the same bedroom, two different bed…  But the kids are happy and we are as well, in a different way.

    Big questions are: it’s worth it? I am being selfish preventing her from being with her boyfriend? Was it the less bad choice? Will she leave one day?

    Time will tell. For now, first time since she arrived, she can unpack all her suitcases. Maybe that what she needed. To settle.  Having her things still packed somehow made her thought that coming back to Argentina was easier than staying here. I know as well that her boyfriend write to her a lot, all-day long…

    For sure I am glad my kids have their own house, but at the same time everything is so odd…

    See you soon for some updates 🙂 Thanks reading me!!

     

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 1 month ago by  freddo.
    #233345

    anita
    Participant

    Dear freddo:

    I am not focused enough at this time and will be back to read your recent post attentively in about fifteen hours and reply then. I read some of it and am glad the kids are doing well in school. Regarding your question: “I am being selfish preventing her from being with her boyfriend?”- I will read more tomorrow, but for now, you are not selfish to look after your children’s best interest. It is not your job to please your ex wife, it is your job to do your best for the children.

    Let’s say you are discouraging your ex somehow from being with her boyfriend and that saddens her. But if by doing so, you are benefiting your and her children, then you are benefiting her long term, regardless of how she feels short term.

    Will be back in about fifteen hours and reply then. Good to read from you!

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 1 month ago by  anita.
    #233465

    anita
    Participant

    Dear freddo:

    It is a good thing that she unpacked her stuff. Renting the house is a good choice. Having a place for her to live, this house, unpacked is something a bit stable to keep her from swaying back and forth (France- Argentina/boyfriend) as easily. She is not a strong woman. I figured it out. Your mother figured it out.

    The more stability she has in France, the less likely she is to be affected by her boyfriend’s pressure to return to Argentina. But I am not optimistic, not with him persisting as he is.

    If she found an interest in a man in France, that would be best, if she switched her attachment from the man in Argentina to someone in France.

    What are your feelings toward her at this point, I wonder. I sense that you don’t respect her instability (I don’t). How do you feel about sleeping in the same room with her?

    anita

    #233547

    freddo
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Well, she is not a strong woman, not like she used to be. She used to work a full time-job, study at nurse school and raise her kids…

    That how I like to remember her.

    Now It looks like everyone decided for her, she just follow the move and then complain… That how she can in the same day tell her boyfriend she is coming back and then telling me she wanted to rent a flat…

    God knows what is going on in her head…

    For now I want to make things work, so does she…

    My feelings about her? I miss her, but better said I miss being a real family with her and my kids. Maybe that’s why it’s so hard for me to let her go…

    We still have great time together, no-one would guess we split more than a year ago…

    About sharing the same bedroom? Nothing. It’s natural for us. I respect her choice and she knows it. I have access to her phone anytime but I never spied on her. At night I kiss her goodnight and nothing else. I would never do anything she doesn’t want to.

    Is it hard for me? Yes… When she touches me accidentally I feel like electricity running down my spine…

    But I need to keep focus… An act like I did this past year.

    Freddo

     

     

    #233569

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Freddo:

    You are a good man. Most importantly, a good father.

    You wrote that she studied to be a nurse. Did she graduate nursing school, I wonder. If she could have a good job in France, maybe she will be more inclined to stay.

    If she feels that everyone decides for her and is distressed by it, let her decide things, be it as small as they may be, but ask her opinion and advice on matters you trust her with and show her that you respect her opinion and follow her advice (as long as it is reasonable). That may help her feel  better and rebuild that strength you say she once had.

    anita

     

    #324999

    freddo
    Participant

    A year since last update…. Already….

    Since then, a lot happened, bad things, good things. So in my last post I explained how we moved together in France even if we were separated.

    Two weeks after that, she wanted to move back to Argentina again ! This time I stood up against her and we agree that she would come back at the end of the kids school’s year.

    So from November 2017 until July 2019 we all stay in the ridiculously big house. I was kind to her, kids had great time, made friends.. But she didn’t change her mind. And I was feeling awful…

    One week after the end of school she left me with the kids, and I had to move back to my parent’s place.

    No that I can think about it with some distance, everything was so unreal. Moving with her, pretending everything was fine, her moving back…

    We agreed kids would spend summer in France (January and February) and that I will be free to see them in Argentina as many time that I wanted. We had no fight during this period and I left her leaving back to Argentina even if I knew that it was not good for my kids.

    So they left and I did everything possible to make my time away from my kids useful.

    After that I would only communicate with my kids, almost nothing with her. I didn’t knew how things were going for her, if she was still with her boyfriend… Nothing.

    It helped me to have no communication. During that time I met few girls, but for me none were worth it. I always knew that if I had to have a new relationship, that would be with someone that would blow my mind… And I knew that somehow I was still in love with my ex 🙁 .

    4 months after she left she wanted to communicate a little more with me, we started to have video-chats, we spoke mostly about our kids and banalities. My kids had no school for 4 months because of a strike, once again she sounded like she could’t handle everything alone.

    I agreed to go for the kids in November, and that they will go back to Argentina in March. We still had trust in each other.

    So in November I flew to Argentina,  and she offered me to stay at her place. I was confused because I thought she was living with her boyfriend.

    I went out with my friends on the first night and came back home at 6 in the morning. There she was, pretending sleeping.

    I had quite a few liquid courage so I sat on her bed and told her what I should have done since the beginning :” You, and the family you gave me always made me happy”.

    And she answered me that she was feeling the same.

    We opened a bottle of wine and sat on her rooftop…

    The truth is that her boyfriend was abusive, as I suspected. He stole her money, didn’t want my kids to communicate with me…. After two months of her going back to Argentina she split from him…

    She apologised, I did as well. It’s never only one person fault when a couple split. Holding her again was not strange, and in a matter of minutes we had that old couple complicity.

    I had back the woman I always loved, not the one that went to France and made me feel miserable.

    So for now she is still in Argentina and will move back to France in a month. Our family are both really happy.

    We both know that we will have to work on our relationship in the future.  But now we both know what went wrong in the first place, we had two years to think about it 🙂 . My kids are delighted and today they started school in France again.

    Most of the people don’t understand why she left, why she’s back. We really don’t care. The only things is that all our friends never saw her happy after leaving me and everyone praised her to fix our relationship.

    We still have works to do but with our kids love, I can foresee a bright future for us.

    So after all this experience, there is few things I’ve learnt:

    – you are stronger than you think

    – life is a box of chocolate 🙂

    – never try to have your ex back,  if your history was real love, somehow you will be back together

    – focus on yourself because “it is better to be prepared for an opportunity and not have one than to have an opportunity and not be prepared.”

    – be kind to others, it’s not their fault.

    – always be positive and smiling in front of others because as they say in Argentina : “Como te ven, te tratan ” (How you look, is how you will be treated).

    – treasure every moment with your loved one or with yourself

    -“The best is yet to come!”

    Love

     

     

     

     

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 2 days ago by  freddo.
    #325013

    anita
    Participant

    Dear freddo:

    Recently I was wondering about you, wondering how things are going for you, and here you are with an update, and what a delightful update! You certainly are and have been a very patient man, persistent and solid through lots of disruptions and disturbances. If the mother of your children needs an honest, patient, reliable, strong man- she has these qualities in you!

    I hope you enjoy the holidays with your children and with the woman you love (she should be joining you in France December, I understand). Good to read from you anytime!

    anita

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