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Please help me to take a decision!

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This topic contains 39 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  anita 2 weeks, 2 days ago.

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  • #168884

    freddo
    Participant

    Hi guys, I writing on this forum to get some advices. Got some but from friends and family and sometimes the won’t give you unbiased advices.

    So let’t introduce myself. I am a 36 years old french chef living in Argentina. I had a relationship for 10 years from an argantinean women ans the result is two beautiful sons of 3 and 8 years old. We split 5 month ago but remain under the same roof. The idea was that I would go back to France in september and they would join me in december. There we would be separated but France is a better option than Argentina to raise kids.

    Why we split? She told me than I never invested into the relationship like she did, that she wanted to go to france 10 years ago, that I was to distant with her…. Bottom line is that she studied nursery the past five years and I was the one working in the house. Other things is maybe I am a lousy husband but I am the best Dad in the world. I don’t have social life and I don’t mind, whenever I have spare time I share it with my kids. You would never saw me without them.

    The thing is that now she doesn’t want to follow me to France. She now has a good job as a nurse, and working in France would be to dificult because her degrees are not valid there. To make things worse, she is dating some guy and looks perfectly happy.

    So I am at a crossroad, and don’t know wich way to turn…

    First option is to stay close to my kids in Argentina with low pays, high inflation and virtually no chance to get a house or a car in the near future.

    Second option is to move forward, to go back to France where I have all my family and friends. To work there as much as I can, buy a house, a car, open a restaurant and visit my kids two times a year or maybe they can fly over to visit me.

    Wich option is best or let’s say less bad? Go back to France and prepare a brighter future for my kids if one day they want to live with me? As well I would be able to help them economically. Or I stay here, work like hell as well but I wouldn’t be able to offer them much.

    Guys any advice? I love them so much….

    Thanks for reading

    LOVE

    #168902

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi freddo,

    Money is not everything. I vote for staying in Argentina until the boys are adults. Then move to France.

    I knew a guy who was a continent away from his child and he had the best of intentions about seeing him a lot but in actuality it only happened a few times. Between the finances and the mother and how life paraded on, before he knew it years had gone by.

    In the meantime, can you possibly move out? It must be hard seeing her date other people.

    Anyway, I vote for staying.

    Best,

    Inky

    #168906

    Vicente
    Participant

    Hello, Freddo!

    It seems that being with your kids is really what makes you happy, besides this though situation. Although you would probably have a much better life (financially) in France, I dont think this would be the best to your kids. Your presence is more important to them than your money. I am so glad my father have always been there for me, despite his lack of money.

    Have in mind that moving to France is not easy for your ex-wife too, she also deserves to be happy and I am sure you know and feel like it, since you seem to be a very nice person.

    That said, I believe you should make an effort to find a way to give as much confort as possible to your kids while living in Argentina (I know its hard, in Brazil things are not much different) closer to them, unless you think that these external factors are afecting you to the point that even your relationship with the kids is deteriorating – in this case It would be better to see them less frequently but keep emotionally closer to them.

    I wish you the best at this very hard moment of your life!

    #168944

    anita
    Participant

    Dear freddo:

    At 3 and 8 years of age, your kids need your love much more than your money in the future. If they grow up to be confident adults they will be able to make their own money and have good lives. If on the other hand, they grow up to be lacking of confidence, your future money and place in France will not help them. What they need is to become capable adults, so that they can make it on their own.

    Having a loving father in their daily lives will make it possible. Of the two choices, for the sake of your own kids, I vote as well for staying in Argentina.

    anita

    #169042

    Polly
    Participant
    • Reading the language of your post it is obvious that you would rather go home to France. Can you talk to you ex-partner about the ramifications of this? What would her expectations of  your support for your children be? You obviously love your children too and want the best for them. Is your ex-partner happy contemplating life without you in the same country? Is it really impossible to get ahead economically where you are? It is sometimes just not possible to make everyone happy so you may have to go for the best compromise you can create.
    #169126

    freddo
    Participant

    Thanks all of you for your advices. I’ m going back to France next week for some times, like 6 months. I’m going  to work and save for a car. If everything goes as planned, my ex and kids would join me for christmas for a two week holidays. I get along pretty well with her and so does my family in France. It’s only too painful for me to see her in a new relationship. I’m so deeply in love 🙁  So in march I will come back to Argentina and start a computer programming degree. It’s 3 years intensive. It’s a perfect degree for me because if I go back to France one day to settle I’ll find work easily and of course I will have a better job here to support my kids. And who knows… someday I will be able to work freelance and travel the world with them. I guess I need some long terms goal to make it through and to face my new reality. It’s not my kids fault if I am grieving my ex-wife, they deserve their dad as much as I need them. Going back to France for a while will help me recover from my wounds and hopefully I will come back fresh for a new start.

    Thanks all of you for your support, here is one of my prefered quote that helps me when I am down:

    “Please remember that you are built to shine. Great things are coming your way. You are not average. The darkness will pass. World class is coming, and you are meant to fly.”

    Robin Sharma

    #169156

    anita
    Participant

    Dear freddo:

    You are welcome. Thank you for sharing one of your preferred quotes. I hope that your trip to France works out as planned, that you will recover from your heartache over your wife’s relationship, that you do return to Argentina fresh and that your parenting of your children will lead them to well-being and you, to content, to knowing you did the best job possible as their  father. Post again anytime.

    anita

    #175283

    freddo
    Participant

    Hi guys.  I’m here for a little update. So I finally travelled to France alone, heartbroken.  Actually that’s wasn’t a bad move at all. After two weeks I have managed to find a job in a 4**** hotel. The only job I’ve applied to. I really felt that life was on my side this time. As for my ex wife she offered herself to bring me the kids for two months at the end of November. She herself will only stay few days with my family and go back to Argentina on her own. Well it’s really nice from her since she will take on her vocation to do so. I spent a lot of time with my mother, hiking and cooking.  Haven’t been alone with her in years so it’s good time to talk. I exercise quit a lot as well, work and keep busy. My plan is still to go back to Argentina and study even if thinking of going back there kills me. To be honest I’m enjoying my life here but I have to be close to my boys.

    I am not over my ex wife. I still fantasize about having her back even if she is sending me messages that she moved forward. Lately she is complaining that taking care of the kids is too much for her. She tries to make me feels bad I guess. She forgot who dumped who and who has to take responsibilities for his action.  Maybe it’s because I never complain about my situation to her and that I always try to sound alright when I talk to the kids through the internet everyday.  Not a day has passed without me crying for her and my kids but I will never tell her. I just want to sound that I can move forward myself in my life.  Truth is I miss her like crazy and her new relationship is killing me. But  I have to concentrate on myself and the kids.

    That’s all for today folks. I never thought I would make it through. I still have a lot of battle and hardship to face but day after day, steps after steps I will make it through this storm.  I m still in the midst of it but now I know that there is a way out. Just have to  find  it.

    Thanks for your support.

     

     

     

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by  freddo.
    #175309

    anita
    Participant

    Dear freddo:

    You are welcome and I am glad you are back to your thread with an update. Nice that you found work right away at a 4 star hotel and for having a good time in France. You will soon have the kids, a month from now, maybe you will be going hiking with them and I hope you, your mother and the kids can have a good time together. Good to read still, that you value parenting as highly as you do.

    You wrote about your ex wife: “Lately she is complaining that taking care of the kids is too much for her” and you follow with your understanding of her complaining: “She tries to make me feels bad I guess. She forgot who dumped who…-

    But maybe she really meant what she said, maybe she is overwhelmed with being a mother. Maybe this is why she will be spending her vacation time/money bringing them over to you next month, to get a break. If this is her motivation, as the good father that you are, talk to her, try to find out what she can do, following the break she gets November, to manage parenting without being overwhelmed.

    anita

    #180091

    freddo
    Participant

    Well a month has passed since I last wrote.  My ex wife just flew back to Argentina.  Actually she is still in the plane. She dropped my two sons and spent a week with me and my family.

    It was odd. Really strange to see her again. I was really nervous but surprisingly everything’s turned ok.  We were really happy to see each other. After two days of chat we finally had a real discussion on our own. We were both nervous. I didn’t know what to expect. She told me that the best course our kids was her coming to live in France with them.

    Well I couldn’t believe it. Took me by surprise. I tried not to look to ecstatic. I just told her that since we broke up I always respected her decisions.

    Man. That’s the new me. Before I would have but her, kiss her and get drunk but the new me had a more mature reaction. And that’s what made the difference.

    I just know that in February I send the boys back to Argentina for few month, that I keep working in France meanwhile and that in Agust the three of them come to settle with me. As a couple ? I don’t know. But what I know is that my job is not done yet.  I still have millions things to do before I am ready to jump into a new relationship with her or someone else.

    The truth is that after a break up the ONLY  thing one can do is to let go…. don’t misunderstand me. I am not talking about loosing hope and faith in your ex. I’m just saying that one should concentrate on the things he can manage.

    My ex was/is seeing someone (I haven’t asked her) and I didn’t try to ruin their relationship.  .didn’t before either to think twice about her decision. I just let go. Easier said that done. I ‘ve cried a lot. Hated her a lot. Hoped a lot. Lost hope a lot.

    But I never told her. On the outside I was doing great. I found a nice job with a suit, exercised and never sound desesperate. I was in control on the outside even if inside I was torn to death.

    And now she saw me and saw someone else. Someone who has plans for the future. A confident man.  I still have works to do on this man. Because maybe one day I will have another shot and I can’t miss next time.

    She and my kids deserve the man I am becoming. It’s a daily struggle.  I can’t down guard. One step at a time. Now she is moving to France. Something impossible two months ago…. so who knows what the future has for us?

    Hope my experience will help people to overcome their hardship.

    I haven’t my family back yet but I am working on it.

    Love.

    #180199

    anita
    Participant

    Dear freddo:

    I am glad you are back to your thread with an update, and what a positive update it is.

    You wrote: “I was in control on the outside even if  inside I was  torn to death” and later you wrote that your ex wife saw “A confident man”- self  control is part of that confidence that you now experience and that is visible to others. When we feel in reasonable control of our behavior, when we are able to make thoughtful choices that are likely to benefit us regardless of how we feel, we do build  our confidence in ourselves.

    It is the impulsive, automatic actions that destroy our confidence in ourselves. Congratulations for being on the right path. Looking forward to another update.

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 2 years ago by  anita.
    #188005

    freddo
    Participant

    Well time for some update? Since last post my two kids stayed with me in France and we had great time.

    Christmas was great but next week I have to send them back to Argentina.

    The plan is that they come back to live here in July with their mother .  I already registered them at school and they love the idea to live here.

    Their mother on the other hand turns down a great new job opportunity in Argentina and even sold the car plan she started to pay 6 months ago. Looks like she is ready to make the move.

    Me I am great. I have several projects, I stay focused on my job and try to make things right. I started driving lessons. My cousin give me an old car and meanwhile another cousin lend me a motorcycle.

    So life seems to follow a nice path.

    Things is , I don’t know if I miss my ex wife anymore. If I really want her back. Maybe it’s because I spend time with my kids and I am not that lonely anymore…. or maybe because I stop to fantasize on her and how perfect i thought she was.

    As for my future  relationship with her. She made clear that she is coming over here for the sake of the kids. That she has to leave everything even her new relationship for them.

    You think it will be possible to forget what happened and start a brand new relationship? Do you think that I have to keep letting her go and let God?

    Thanks for helping me. I really appreciate all the kinds words I had from all of you in the past. It really helped me.

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by  freddo.
    #188009

    anita
    Participant

    Dear freddo:

    You are welcome and I am glad you are back with another update. Reads like you are looking forward to having your kids move to France this summer, but less excited about their mother making the move.

    You asked if “it will be possible to forget what happened and start a brand new relationship?”-

    I don’t think it is possible to forget, neither do I think that you should forget. You should be open to a new experience but that will be possible if you learn from the past (not forget it) and operate more effectively in the present and the future.

    You need your past experience with her in your memory and understanding. You will need to further communicate with her, to understand her motivations and state of mind and life.

    If you would like to share more about her motivation in making this big move, from Argentina, from what is familiar to her, to France, please do. Also, what makes you feel uncomfortable about her move to France?

    anita

    #188207

    freddo
    Participant

    Thanks for answering. You are so right all the times 🙂  I should not forget the past but learn from it. I totally agree with you.

    She is moving from Argentina because we always knew we would live in France at some point. She has been there a lot of times and she really loves my family and friends as much as they love her. And she knows that is better here for the sake of the kids. Argentina is also a tough country where it’s hard to make a good living and plans for the future.

    I am actually glad she decided to move here with the kids because overall we will have a better life. No doubts. But you can’t make someone to love you. She is coming over for the kids and only for the kids, and we will have to live together for a while. Not like husband and wife. More like friends maybe.  But if she accepted to leave everything behind maybe an idea of reconciliation is not that impossible for her.

    I am just scared that we will still be angry at each other and that she regret her choice. I know I have to do everything for her not to regret but still…. And as well I know our relationship will never be the same. I don’t know if you ever recover from a separation. Especially if she was involved with someone else emotionally.

    Well time will tell I guess. For now I’ve stopped complaining about everything and I realized that life was on my side. Who knows, maybe from all this mess a great life together is waiting for us. Or maybe we will realize we have nothing in common but stay close friends?

    Who knows….

    Thanks for your help all of you. God bless you

     

    #188241

    Isaac Wechuli
    Participant

    *It doesn’t matter what choice you make, revel in the choice, line up with it completely, and give yourself into it completely – Abraham Hicks. 

    The main reason why we always worry while making a decision is that we think that something might go wrong if we choose the wrong decision. We forget the fact that the universe/ the Creator will always offer many paths to our goals regardless of the decision we make. We fail to realize that there is value in every decision we make. For example, there is value in not getting married, and there is also value in getting married. The only thing we have to do is believe in our decision and make it right.

    Always trust your heart when making a decision, and always know that there is no wrong decision, and if it appears wrong, the universe will always provide many other opportunities for you

    For more, Check the link below….i had a dilemma on whether i should be employed or not and this led me to carry out a research on the answers of motivational and spiritual gurus and summarized the research..it was helpful to many people trust me.

    How To Deal With The Dilemma of Decision Making

     

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