Hi Anita,

Indeed, I took a break and was thinking over the things we had talked about yesterday.

My problem now, again, is controlling my emotions as you said. Those 2 days after I got back from the trip were me as I should be, connected etc. But now I think anxiety is back. Im remembering a lot better my old therapy from school, when we would constantly identify the feeligns, and she would always challenge them, “Do you have to feel anxious”… “Do you really think that”….

But well, no contact with him. I can see that, I can see a more powerful future where I am… an adult, living my life. You know, a part of me enjoys (self sabotaging) the fact that I rely on my parents too much financially. Being that character from a book who wanders around waiting to cash cheques from their parents… But, this is a fantasy, I realise as im typing this. It isnt really my life. I want indepedence. That silly fantasy is tying me constantly to my parents. Its also I think an attempt to connect with my father. He always, nearly always, spoiled me with presents, really obviously to make up for his lack of presence.

When I was younger etc, buying lots of christmas presents. Mum would cook something I didn~t like and hed cook me something different, not all the time but it happened. I think now, this reliance on his money, is a repeat of this. I even worry selfishly about my parents finances (my dad, clearly, has terrible spending habits), when will it run out? I need that money!… My own life and finances are sort of irrelevant… I remember at university, with hte student loan, I was more independent, I managed my money better, planned my spending. But… the masters was totally paid for by my parents… in a way, humiliating on some level, and emasculating.

Perhaps this is where my new-found anger comes from? Or what triggered the very long running anger to resurface again? Indeed, perhaps to survive, I had to constnatly negate or ignore the anger that my financial reliance on my parents was causing, creating this conflict within myself. I think I deny my anger towards my father in hope of this very unlikely reconciliation…

Yeah, its true. I always wanted his attention, perhaps more reservedly than with mum. Mum I always wanted affection, hugs, etc plus the usual showing her what I had done, drawings etc. With dad I didnt want hugs… indeed I think quite early I felt uneasy around him in that respect and actually I still dont feel “safe” etc hugging my father like when I hug my mum or my bf.

Dad… hmmm I think my brother coems into view here. My brother is nine years older. I always remember how my brother had a good relationship with dad, they would joke about cars etc, manly behaviour (not that my brother is super macho or whatever), my brother did rowing, as my father did, my brother did boxing too. I always felt like I had nothing to offer, that I needed to grow into that relationship with my father but it never materialised. I never thought of having “my own” relationshiup with my father… indeed even defining it as such, this is the first time that thought ever crossed my mind.

I think there was a little conflict when dad started to push for more masculine kind of behaviour… I remember once he was coaching the rowing team and I was a kid riding on the bike, he said I could shout support to the team… I was embarrased and kind of cried, even though he had encouraged me and that was the behaviour he wanted to me express.. I was only 6 or 7…

I think so, it was a very weird time, I remember. I was so scared to be masculine. I did shout, but I was crying… I tried to act masculine, yes, and it scared me… like I was being swallowed by something?

This is very true… its shame. When my father challenged me or spoke to me about going to BRazil the first time, mum was there… but she said nothing. She knew I was upset, but she said “I thought you needed to see how your father is”… she liked it I think because it vindicated her negative feelings to him, but regardless, she abandoned me. I was alone. I curled up into a ball when he said that. I was alone… afterwards, interestingly, dad said to my mother “give him a hug” – what a weird thing to say, but telling.

I dont know to get over this… I have spent a long time away from home, nearly 2 years now. But, not consistently. Last year I was home 4 times, for 2 months in the middle of hte year even. And, this whole 10 months in Brazil ive had the same pathways going over again and again. Perhaps this is how I should be using therapy… why do I need to feel like this… why does it matter what he says etc? I need to ask myself the right questions…

I can see solutions but Ive lost hte motivation to work at them. I can tell myself today, im just feeling ashamed, im just feeling anxious, but its not working, I fall back into this vacuum…. Indeed, today, back to the relaitonship, i~m needy again, constantly wanting to talk to my ex, ive forgotten my self-care, being myself, experiencing life like ive described in a few previous posts. Im just pre-occupied with him again. I can leave it alone. Anxiety? The dynamics we’ve been talking about? For sure… but, im sat here blaming him again.

Noticing actually, Im getting angry at him for the sort of reasons im actually angry at my father for…. how dare you abandon me… when he hasnt, he just hasnt talked to me all day everyday. I keep thinking about it, the relationship, I should leave it, that will be my magic moment of freedom… but I know id end it, feeling the same about my bf and still unsatisfied.  It would be an impulse to break up… Short term release… of frustration? Id be venting it on him… “youve made me so anxious and annoyed by not talking to me! take that!”… but, if I think of a relationship I want, its fine because I have my space.

Who do I really want to get rid of? Is it dad? Am I projecting? I remember a long time ago actually my other therapist (a bad one who I enver got on with), in one of the few good sessions, I came out almost crying at all the resentment and frustration I had pushed onto my bf (When we were together before). I apologised to him for treating him like my dad… 3 years later and im back to where I was… but, Im saying this, but not believeing it. Im not admitting to myself that the frustration is as such.

• This reply was modified 6 years ago by Ben.

Indeed Anita,

I realised this over our conversation of hte past few days, and on the bus this morning.

The trip, despite being an emotional rollercoaster, provided little room for “insights”, but made me feel a lot, which I think is why it was useful. It shook up my slumbering world of endlessly talking about my feelings or lack of them. I arrived back to the city, feeling different…. feeling! different.

This is what I have lost sight of, what I lost when I sunk into shame, the ability to do this. (Although, again, im just providing an insight here haha). The first therapist helped me deconstruct my feelings and then asked me to justify them… examined as such I was able to negate a lot of them. I started to do this in my day to day life, and for 3 years I really, really started to feel relieved from the burdens my childhood left me with… I relaxed etc as I have described. The second one, we just talked about it endlessly, and then she would say “ben, youre not breathing” and force me to stop talking and do a breathing exercise. I never felt good, only frustrated after those sessions… I think it traumatized me a little. Ever since, Ive tried to repeat the process I used to be so good at, but to no avail… its like I cant find the right page or right chapter.

But well, I agree, I just need practice and dedication to control and continue having insightful feelings not just, as you say, dry intellectual observations of my own mind.

Thanks Anita.

Indeed, if you have any advice for me I will be glad to accept it and try my best to apply it to my life.

I know exactly what you mean. I had my stumbles with my old therapy. I remember I struggled a lot in my first year at university, the first few months of not being able to offload each week with the counsellor, it was very hard. I contemplated leaving unversity altogether. But I managed to pick myself up, and slowly drifted from my parents. It was that return, which, I had struggled with a university too, whether to break the bond on a more permanent basis. I remember I finished my final exams, and was planning to join my parents on holiday before going to brazil. Clearly, even after those 3 years I hadnt expunged that conflict (because I wasnt aware), and tried to say going on holiuday to see them was totally cool and natural. A good friend had told me to go on my own adventure, stay and get a little summer job. But, I was still drawn to my parents… after all, I felt so much better, I wanted to be an adult in front of them…

Ugh.. well, more insights but it helps me to forgive myself a little bit for what happened by finally understanding the shock.

Anyway, any advice on what to think or tell myself, even if it wont work instantly, is greatly appreciated Anita.

Thanks.