Realizing the ways my recent ex hurt me-how do I avoid growing resentment?

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This topic has 6 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 3 weeks, 4 days ago by anita.

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August 13, 2026 at 10:45 am #460312

Mitch
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When I broke up with my partner of 13 months, I did so because I believed I was preventing them from growing into a happy life. We were freshmen in college, and I believed I was causing them to be unhappy. “If you love them, let them go” type of situation.

However, in the months following the breakup, I’ve begun to realize that the sinking feeling I had about our relationship wasn’t just because I was hurting them–they had hurt me, too. I realize now that they didn’t show care, and that they made me feel stuck. The relationship was very one-sided in a lot of ways, too–we watched their shows, listened to their music in the car… respected their boundaries while oftentimes ignoring mine or making me feel bad for setting them in the first place… Realizing this now, I fail to see how I can trust someone to really love and care for me through their actions, and I’m starting to blame my ex for causing me to be so scarred. I still feel stuck, even though it’s over.

I have tried to forgive them, internally, but this feeling of resentment keeps bubbling up. How can I make it go away so I can find inner peace about the whole situation?

August 13, 2026 at 11:45 am #460318

anita
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Hi Mitch:

It makes sense that you’re feeling stuck and resentful now. When you were in the relationship, it sounds like you kept putting your partner’s needs first and pushing your own to the side — their shows, their music, their boundaries.

That kind of self‑sacrifice can feel normal in the moment, but afterward your body realizes how much you gave up, and that’s where the resentment comes from. It isn’t just about forgiving your ex; it’s about noticing the places where you abandoned your own needs to keep the relationship going.

Sometimes the real healing starts when you ask yourself: Where did I stop listening to myself? What did I need that I didn’t allow myself to ask for? Once you start reconnecting with those parts of you, the resentment usually begins to fade, because you’re finally giving yourself the care you didn’t get back then.

I wonder if some of the resentment you’re feeling is actually your own voice coming back online, saying: “I mattered too.”

If any of this resonates with you, feel free to share more. I’m here to listen.

Anita

August 13, 2026 at 11:58 pm #460338

Alessa
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Hi Mitch

It sounds like the breakup illuminated a problem. When you are in relationships, you tolerate behaviour that you shouldn’t. I would say the feeling of resentment is a lesson and instead of hurrying to try and make the feeling go away, perhaps you should reflect on why you didn’t stand up for yourself more or exit the relationship sooner if you were unhappy. 🩵

It’s an inherent difficulty with relationships that two people have different needs. Advocating for yourself is important. The goal is to strike a balance where both people are respected. 🩵

August 14, 2026 at 12:00 pm #460349

anita
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Hi again, Mitch:

I’ve been thinking about what you shared, and I just wanted to add one thing that feels important.

When someone realizes they gave more than they received in a relationship, it’s very common to look back and wonder why they didn’t stand up for themselves sooner. But that doesn’t mean you did anything wrong — it means you cared, you tried, and you stayed connected in the only way you knew at the time.

You weren’t supposed to “know better” back then. You were doing your best with the emotional tools you had.

If any of this feels true for you, you’re welcome to share more whenever you feel ready.

Anita

August 18, 2026 at 2:41 pm #460468

Lu
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The detail that jumps out is that your boundaries were ignored and you were made to feel bad for having them. Resentment usually keeps bubbling when part of us is still waiting for someone to admit the unfairness. Maybe it does not need to go away so much as to be agreed with: you were treated unfairly, full stop. Saying that plainly to yourself, without arguing the case anymore, tends to quiet the loop over time. And one one-sided relationship is not a verdict on how love works. It is one data point from someone who was not ready, and it says nothing about what you are worth.

August 20, 2026 at 6:07 pm #460525

Thomas168
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Resentment means they are living rent free in your head. You are holding onto the emotions that the relationship had brought about. To be free from the resentment or being afraid of the next relationship then you must free yourself of the emotions that hold your memories. Once you are free from the emotions then letting go becomes easier. Soon after, you can forgive and forget. But, it is the holding onto the emotions that keep the memories coming back. Then they run rampant. The more you stay on this emotional trigger then the more it hardens solid. Making it more difficult to release. You can even call it ptsd. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Well, I hope you find your way out of this hole and live a good life which is the best revenge.

August 21, 2026 at 11:16 am #460530

anita
Participant

Good morning, Mitch:

I’m back to your thread 8 days after you started it, just to say that your resentment is valid, meaning, it has a purpose-

To motivate you to act in ways that not only honor the other person’s needs, but also your own,

To shift, however gradually, from self- sacrifice, or self- erasure to ===> self- respect and assertion.

You matter no less than any other person!

So, don’t try to get rid of your anger. Instead, listen to its message. Once its message is delivered and actualized, it will naturally weaken and eventually be gone

✨️✨️✨️ Anita
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