Really need some advice!

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This topic has 4 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 3 months ago by Eliana.

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January 31, 2018 at 1:06 pm #189949

J
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I’m in quite a bad place at the moment and I can’t think of anything else to do right now other than try and get some insight and advice from the community on here and hope that someone may understand.

My boyfriend of 2 years had been acting distant with me, I just didn’t feel connected to him anymore and he had stopped doing the small things used to do like send me sweet good morning texts etc. So on Sunday night I asked him if everything was ok. He told me he felt like things hadn’t been good between us, how we argued more and how he doesn’t think we get on as well as we used to. He then said to me that things aren’t working and he said he thought we should have time apart. At this point I was already pretty emotionally charged thinking he was about to break up with me. So I demanded to know why he wanted time apart and how that would help us, to which he couldn’t give me answer. I then asked him if he wanted to be together? And he wouldb’t answer me, then proceeding to shut me out and ignore my calls and messages for the rest of the night.

The next morning he apologised to me for ignoring me saying things had gotten a bit too much. He then broke up with me over message whilst I was at work which hurt me so much. I just about made it through the day without breaking down and drove straight over to his house after work.

I don’t really know what I was expecting by going there but it wasn’t what I wanted. He still said he didn’t think things will work and he doesn’t think we should be together anymore. His reasons were that things gaven’t been the same for the last 6 months and how I had spoke about wanting children and getting married (in the future not anytime soon! Because I truly love him and could see him in my life) and he didn’t know what was in his future or whether he could see that in his future, he doesn’t know what he wants. I ended up driving home in hysterics.

I didn’t hear from him that evening so at about 4am (I had no hope of sleeping the way I felt) I sent him a message basically telling him he had hurt me so much and I couldn’t believe he was going to throw away what we have. He replied telling me he felt terrible and felt ashamed for feeling like things weren’t right between us. He said he had cried about it many nights because he felt like he was deceiving me by not saying anything but didn’t know how to tell me. He said it killed him seeing me so upset and that he wanted to tell me it was going to be ok but he couldn’t because he didn’t want to give me mixed messages.

We spoke a bit more throughout the day and I told him I wanted to work things out because I love him. He told me he was scared that things wouldn’t work out if we tried again. He then said it wouldn’t be easy but he wanted to try to make things work, he then asked if I could handle things being different between us because it would take a long time it wouldn’t be a quick fix.

I told him I thought it was important that he took some time for himself first to figure out what he wants and to think through things. He thanked me for listening and said it would be nice to have some time to think and that he was sorry.

It’s only been 2 days since we have spoken but I’m already finding things so hard. I hate not knowing whether he is going to stick by his choice or tell me he wants to be with me. I feel in limbo and a bit ashamed for just sitting around waiting. I can’t get him off my mind and I don’t feel like I can begin to move on because there is still that hope that he might want to be together.

But then there is part of me that doesn’t want him back. I know him inside out, he is by no means a horrible person, he is an anxious person and overthinks everything which is where a lot of this fear about the future comes from. I love him so much but I feel so hurt by him and that doesn’t make sense to me. How can someone who loves me hurt me like that?

I know I said I’d give him time, but another part of me thinks that if he wanted to be with me he would be at my door already! But he isn’t, and that really hurts too.

I just feel so confused. He has become my life, someone who is always there and now he isn’t and I don’t really know how to deal with that.

Thanks for reading, any advice or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated!

January 31, 2018 at 1:10 pm #189951
J
Participant
Apologies for the typos!
- This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by J.
January 31, 2018 at 7:07 pm #189961

Michelle
Participant

I’m sorry you are going through this. Break-ups are never easy (and if I’m being honest, it looks like that is what this is). You don’t mention your age but I imagine you are in your 20s? I feel like men have the need to explore during this decade, not wanting to be tied down. When something has longevity (and then bigger commitments rear their head), people are often forced to contemplate whether this is what they really want – or if they want to see what else is out there in the world. What other connections can be made. My gut is telling me that is what happened here. The relationship ran its course and he finally made the decision to end it.

Don’t take this personally. It happens to everyone. You even wrote that part of you “doesn’t want him back”, which is a good sign as subconsciously you might also be realizing that this isn’t what you wanted or needed long-term either.

One personal anecdote I will add is that I found him texting you at work to initiate the break-up to be very immature. It also shows lack of respect for you and what you both shared for two years. This happened to me once. I was dating someone for a year and randomly – no previous discussion whatsoever like you had – he texted me at work to tell me that it wasn’t going anywhere and he just wanted to be friends. I was gutted. But then I became insulted. I’m now more offended that he lacked the balls to do it in person face-to-face.

Think about that.

Love is important in life. Respect is also important. There is someone out there that can give you all these things and you will meet them someday. It will take time to get over this, but don’t stop believing that.

February 1, 2018 at 4:49 am #190029
Inky
Participant
Hi J,

My step-mother said something to me that was very wise. After I was broken up with and went to her for comfort she said, “I like when other people make my decisions for me!” And I never went back to that guy. (Yes, he tried.)

So I would call his bluff. He’s put you in this limbo (which is intolerable). I would FB Message/text him at work and write, “You know what, you’re right. This isn’t working. All the best going forward sweetie! xx00 (heart emoticon).”

Now YOU officially broke up with HIM. You are no longer in limbo!

He will panic and run to your door at best. Or, at worst, won’t respond, relieved. Either way you are moving forward and will have your answer.

Good Luck!

Inky
- This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by Inky.
February 1, 2018 at 6:35 am #190065

Eliana
Participant

Hi J,

I’m very sorry this happened. I have always believed in the quote “if a man really wants to be with you, he will be with you, no excuses, period.” I would not count on him coming back. I agree with the post above. It was very immature and disrespectful of your feelings to break-up with you in such an innapropriate manner. Let’s say you do get back together? Could you honestly trust him? Would you be constantly be fearful that one day, because he doesn’t know what he wants, you will receive the same “break-up” message”. Don’t you feel you deserve better?

Never make someone “your life” because then you are putting your happiness in control of someone else, and no one wants that responsibility. Men can sense neediness and clingyness, and they will distance themselves. They don’t want to be someone’s life. They want their significant other to have their own dreams, friends, hobbies, passions, goals, they don’t want a fearful girlfriend, because if you have fear, you can’t have dreams. So, what you can do, is learn to enjoy your own company, and love yourself. Only then, when men are you independent, such as single and happy with your life and hobbies, you will find yourself attracting the right man..a secure man. Like attracts like. What you are, will attract the same in a man. If you are fearful, anxious, need a man to make you happy, worry, co-dependent, don’t have hobbies, goals, dreams and aspirations, you will attract the same in a man..a man, who is also not secure, one who is fearful, depenndent, anxious, disrespectful, distant, etc. My best advice, become happy being single, get involved with volunteer work, work at a soup kitchen, animal shelter, go to a nursing home and talk to people who are lonely and have no one. Find hobbies, join a bookclub, go out with friends, join a social club, be happy without a man. As soon as that happens, you will attract the healthy, emotionally available, loving man you deserve. x
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