Home→Forums→Tough Times→Really, tough times
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August 21, 2018 at 8:55 am #222301
FelixParticipantMorning.. I was thinking where to post this (which section) and this seems appropriate. I’ve lost my other login so I created a new one. I’ve received very positive advice before from members and Anita, and I want to thank those who come across my post.
I am in a very dark place now. I am not depressed, not in a typical way at least. No thoughts of suicide or anything of the sort. I am just lost. Not anxious, in a typical sense of the meaning of being anxious. Just so confused as what to do next.
Last year wife and I decided to split up. Her initiative and after trying everything possible, I agreed. It’s been a year. She left the country to stay with her parents and then came back… We are on good terms and we share a dog so I have to talk to her sometimes. I even asked her out a few times and she was kind of playing with my heart, but I don’t think she wants to or at least she is playing the part of someone who doesn’t want to… i still love her and she is everything to me, but this is life and I have to move on…
So I am in pain, tremendous pain…. I don’t know where to find the strength to go on. I am 40, seriously in debt, and by the time I am done paying off the debt, I’ll be around 44-45 and it will be too late to start a family. It’s not like I can just go out and find a woman. Especially in Los Angeles, where women want you to be Brad Pitt (and please don’t tell me that not all women are like that. I’ve lived in LA all my life. No not all women are like that, but most are. Fact of life). So I am not poor and I have a great job. I am growing and will make more money soon. I don’t like my career, but it pays fairly well and I am not sure what else I could do anyway. I feel so lost and feel so much pain. I wake up every morning at 3 am in panic and think about the same thing each time. If I was 30, I would not be this sad now. If I was 30, I would take the next few years to bust my a$$ to pay off debt and then start living again. I would have enough time to rebuild my life and start a family. A family is all I ever wanted. My parents destroyed my life and I wanted my own family so I could have what my parents couldn’t give me. It didn’t work out with my ex, but I thought that I could still find someone because there would be enough time (presuming this happened 10 years ago). But I am 40, 41 in two months. And I am just so broken up about this. I truly seem invisible to women. I am losing weight, getting healthier, taking care of my self and my dog. And slowly rebuilding my life, but I am dying inside. I am not depressed in a clinical way. I am just broken in my soul. I’ve had ups and downs, like everyone else, but I’ve never been so low and never felt this type of pain. I am not sure of anyone here has been so “low”, but reading others’ posts, I see that everyone has their own problems, but I don’t remember reading anything as pathetic as my situation. It’s like a perfect storm. I am 40, formerly overweight, formerly married and still deeply in love ( a year later ), toxic parents, some great friends who are mostly married and have kids so no time to actually be friends. My self worth and my self esteem are destroyed…. deep deep in debt (owe about 50$K). I go for days without speaking to friends, which is fine, but I can see from the side that my life has become a parody of everything I was ever afraid off. Just when I think that I am starting to feel better, I fall down harder than ever. PS. I am not asking for a pat on the back and I don’t need anyone’s pity. I did this to my self. I just don’t know how to cope with it and how to find hope. I’ve accepted everything single thing that has happened to me. I just can’t deal with the pain. I don’t want to feel like a loser. And yes, I am a little desperate for some optimism. I’ve never ever considered suicide and would never ever ever ever do it, but I often have thoughts of not wanting to live just to escape the pain. Again, I would never do it, but the very thought is not living and not having this pain is often soothing…. I am sorry about the details, but I want to be honest. I just want the pain to go away. Just a little bit
August 21, 2018 at 10:18 am #222359
RevRyParticipantFelix – where to start… your situation isn’t pathetic! so stop with that line. Debt – many people are in debt and owe money – you know how much and 4-5yrs isn’t long! trust me! Family – so various options – adopt, foster, or natural or other ways, when? that’s not for now! You need to feel at peace with yourself before you invite a child into your family circle and that maybe just you and a son or daughter! Ideally when you do find peace with a woman – then you can speak about family at the right time. Losing weight – great start, NOW inner peace – my suggestion start doing some youtube relaxation, meditation, some are on there for 10mins – and yes you can find 10mins to do one as often as you need, plus great 8-12hr long ones to aid sleep, anxiety etc etc.
For NOW be in the here and now! stop focusing on ALL the negative emotions they breed negativity – try replacing them with positive affirmations again youtube great vids on pos affirmations.
Soo you asked, I replied you can take it or leave it, hugs, best wishes, one step one day at a time x blessings x
August 21, 2018 at 11:29 am #222385FelixParticipantThank you. I completely understand what you’re saying and I am def taking care of my self.. I just have this broken feeling inside… I obviously still love my ex… She was my everything. but that’s over and done with… I always say that if I was 30, I would be the happiest person in the world, but this whole 40 thing has got me tripping. I am working VERY HARD on improving my life…. I am going to be in shape and have a great job and all those things, but I also see that my time is running out.
I am big follower of the Red Pill movement.. Not to go into that now, but basically says that women marry up.. and that’s a fact of life. I am not sure I am good enough for women these days. I am not being pessimistic or anything. This is reality. Most women that I am attracted to ( And I am not looking for some super model. I like regular looking woman with good souls, that’s all ) don’t see me… I remember always meeting girls, always having flings or something.. But right now, I am like all alone.. All friends are married, all women are taken, and going on Tinder or POF, is a freaking joke… Hypergamy – Women Marry Up…. It’s a fact of life. There is a whole movement online for men being left behind by society.. and while I am not that pathetic and I don’t hate women, there is major resentment because I see how most of my friends who are married are married to women on certain appearance and the higher the income, the prettier the women….. and while I am a good looking guy, always were able to meet women, I am not marriage material because I don’t have that house or a large savings account and can’t take them on a vacation around the world… I live in the real world, even if that doesn’t sound all that pretty.
August 21, 2018 at 12:13 pm #222397
AnonymousGuestDear Felix:
Welcome back.
“I live in the real world”, you wrote. Part of the real world is the part you are very familiar with, where people value material goods and nothing else: bigger houses, fancier cars, more and more, and then some more. This world exists not only in Los Angeles but in small towns, and in developing countries.
I lived in Los Angeles for 25 years or so, not all people living in Los Angeles are clones with the same values, same motivations.
Exit that materialistic world you live in, and enter a different world in the very same place you lived all your life, Los Angeles. Stop fighting a battle you can’t win, one you shouldn’t be fighting. I say that you can’t win because you said it yourself, you are too old to win it, being 10 years to old, specifically.
So leave that world, turn your back to it and in your search for love, see to it that you approach women who are not likely to have your money on their mind before they even meet you, then get to know the woman, make sure she really does have values other than your money. Then proceed.
You may be a loser in that world, not having the $ amount required to be a winner. But you can be a winner in a different world where honesty and kindness are valued. If honesty and kindness are what you value. This leads me to ask you: what is it that you value?
anita
August 22, 2018 at 5:09 pm #222627
pink24ParticipantHi Felix,
Yeah, what do you value?
I used to value $ over all things, thinking that $ was in direct proporation to a person’s value. But for many years I felt owned by someone who thought he could treat me however he wanted simply because he had money. Now I make my own money. And I get to value respect, kindness, and compassion and support over all things when it comes to men. Perhaps you are going to the wrong places to meet women, or simply the right woman hasn’t shown up yet. We learn as we go in this life.
I agree and think it’s a wise idea to focus on yourself and what you value. Quite honestly, if there’s anyone who is allowing money or lackthereof to determine his value it seems to YOU. Don’t you know your debt has absolutely nothing to do with who you are?
Good luck
Pink 🙂
August 26, 2018 at 4:55 pm #223141FelixParticipantI am not a loser in any world. I am loser inside my head. I am simply trying to find the strength to go on. I can make my life how I want it to be, but I can’t find the strength because of my loneliness and self esteem issues. Doesn’t mean I am not doing anything about it. I’ve lost weight, getting seriously on shape, living a health life, having an amazing job, traveling for work and being able to see beautiful places…. I just feel the pain inside and I don’t know what to do with it. I feel like I lost so much that I am far too deep down the well to be able to climb out of it.
Pink, I don’t care about money, superficial things, or the materialist society that’s solely based on consumerism. I am actually a minimalist and don’t need much to be happy. In fact, I don’t need anything, but somewhere to live, something to drive, my dog, my health, my job, someone to love perhaps. The problem is that it’s my past that’s haunting me. The credit debt and the school loans and while I reduced my living expenses to the bare minimum, I am paying almost 50% of my waves towards paying off credit as soon as humanly possible. Once, if ever, I pay off the debt, I will be able to live again. By then I’ll be an old fart = ))
And I am thinking about moving outside of LA, but that’s not going to make much of a difference. I am not concerned about the cost of living in LA as much as the social scene. I know it’s easier to say that not everyone is like that, but I’ve lived in LA fore almost 30 years. I know the real LA. Of course, not everyone is superficial or only wants money, but let’s not kid ourselves here. Truth and facts are important, and the truth is that women in LA want money…. I am not looking for supermodels, just regular women… But there is no such thing here. If a woman is even a little bit attractive here, it’s over for the guys. And I can’t force myself to date someone I am not attracted to.
I wouldn’t worry about debt or darting or anything, but the real world isn’t free and dating isn’t cheap. I am looking for 2nd and 3rd jobs right now. If I didn’t have my doggy (and I wouldn’t trade anything for spending time with him), I wold be doing Uber ad Lyft and everything else… And I make very good money. That’s just freaking sad.
August 26, 2018 at 8:00 pm #223163
BrandyParticipantHi Felix,
I know a single guy your age who rents an apartment in a beautiful suburb of Los Angeles on an elementary school teacher’s salary. He has no money as it all goes toward rent, food, and his fun lifestyle. If you saw a photo of this guy you’d say he’s an average looking guy, but if you met him in person you’d think differently. People (including women) want to be around him. He works out every day, keeps his calendar filled with things he likes to do, and when he’s talking with you he asks questions, is genuinely interested, looks you straight in the eye, and listens. He’s totally sincere, no bs or phony-baloney. He’s self-confident, happy, and curious about things. He is alone (no partner) and wants to find the right woman very badly, but until she comes along he’s determine to enjoy his life. There are women who are interested in him — very interested; I know this for a fact. But he’s selective; isn’t going to settle for someone he isn’t totally crazy about. So he continues to have the life he wants, minus the girl for now. He has his moments when he’s tired of being surrounded by mostly married couples, families, etc., but he knows, as we all do, that not all marriages are as happy as they appear from the outside, and it’s much better to be single and free than stuck in an unhappy marriage. Also, as you have experienced yourself, around age 40 many marriages are ending which means many women are now available and looking for qualities in a man that they didn’t get the first time around, and money isn’t always what they’re looking for. I say keep paying off your debt and start really living your life. Believe it’s possible to enjoy life without a woman, then do it. Make doing the things you love your priority. Build friendships. Live with character and integrity. Smile and be friendly. Quality women prefer happy, great guys over wealthy ones, hands down.
B
August 27, 2018 at 4:57 am #223195AnonymousGuestDear Felix:
“I am not a loser in any world. I am loser inside my head… I’ve lost weight, getting seriously (into) shape, living a healthy life, having an amazing job, traveling for work and being able to see beautiful places… I just feel the pain inside and I don’t know what to do with it”- what a powerful testimony of the brain being the place where we experience life, that place in between our ears, this is where we live.
“I feel like I lost so much that I am far too deep down the well to be able to climb out of it”- I suppose you lost hopes and dreams you had for your life.
You wrote: “I don’t care about money, superficial things.. I don’t need anything, but somewhere to live… The credit debt and the school loans.. I am paying almost 50% of my wages… Once, if ever, I pay off the debt, I will be able to live again”
Having read your many shares in previous threads (under a different account), I think that you are not being honest with yourself. I think that you do care about money, a whole lot. If you didn’t care about money you wouldn’t be bothered so much by your debt because you currently have all the things you stated that you definitely need, “somewhere to live, my dog, my health, my job”. You have these things now and had these things for years.
What you don’t have is the wealth you dreamed of having. And so, as you complain yet again about women who look for money in LA, as you complain about the materialistic society in LA, you are very much part of it, holding the same values.
anita
August 31, 2018 at 7:57 am #223853
islandhealerParticipantHi
I can understand how you are feeling that’s why I felt I had to reply.
I think your feelings of emptiness and loss are grief. I think you are grieving, at the moment,
from the loss of your wife, the life you had and the future and family you could have had with her.
I don’t think at this time that you should look for another partner, because as you say, you are
still in love with your ex. That would be unfair on another person and I doubt you would find true happiness.
I think you just need time to heal. When the time is right you will move forward and everything will fall
into place. You will find your life partner and have the family you so want.
In this wealth obsessed world we now live in and social media it can make you feel that money is the be all and end all. But it rarely brings true happiness.
I wish you every happiness and light for the future. Look after your dog for they truly give unconditional love and friendship.
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