Dear Ash:

My advice is that you don’t worry about how you feel about him or expect to feel this way or that way, and worse, try to force yourself to feel any certain way about him. Let your feelings be what they are and focus on behaviors: if the two of you behave respectfully toward each other and work well parenting the child you share, that is good enough, isn’t it?

Over time, if the two of you continue with these behaviors, your comfort with him and affection for him will probably return.

anita

We both want to make this work and I especially want that for our son, but I have resistance. I don’t know how to let my guard down now that he is being the partner I’ve needed for so long. And I don’t know whether I’ve gotten so good at guarding myself from hurt I felt back then that I can’t let myself be vulnerable with him, or if I’ve simply fallen out of love.

I agree with Anita and Mark. Just give it time and see how things go without any expectations one way or another. If he continues his good behavior and as long as you’re open to the possibility that he really has truly grown and changed for the better, eventually it will set in that this is how he is now and you will feel safer to accept it without feeling like the floor will drop out from under you at some point. His continued behavior is what will prove it to you, but that takes time. Until then, like the others said, I wouldn’t worry about how you feel. Just see how things go and let things redevelop naturally.