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Recovering from break up & best friend moving away… Striving for independence

HomeForumsEmotional MasteryRecovering from break up & best friend moving away… Striving for independence

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  • #111194
    sadpeach
    Participant

    A little over three months ago my boyfriend of 3.5 years broke up with me. I was devastated and am still handling it. We were very close and had very intertwined lives, and I felt like I lost my “go-to” person. The person you come home to, your best friend, your comfort zone. However, I had something to look forward to. A good friend was planning on moving into my apartment for 2 months in between moving away for law school.

    We became best friends very quickly and I am very grateful to say that through the loss of my relationship, I gained a best friend for life. Our lives also became intertwined as I somewhat joined her group of friends among her boyfriend and all of their friends as well. They welcomed me with open arms.

    However, the two months are now up and I am truly forced into living alone. There has also been difficulty finding a roommate to replace her, so I don’t even have a new roommate lined up to keep me company.

    I’m feeling very depressed and lonely, wondering if this is going to send me down a very sad path. I am going to continue my yoga practice, my involvements in a nonprofit organization, exercise, and keeping up with all of the friends I still have.

    I’m hoping this sadness passes, but it is a kind of sadness I’ve never felt before. It is the feeling of truly being alone and embarking on a new journey without any comfort zone. I have friends but still, no go-to best friend that lives in the same city as me. I am trying to be positive and know that I DO have best friends to text and call, but just no one in close proximity.

    I’m afraid that I can’t make it on my own and that I’m not capable, because my two older sisters have struggled with getting on their own two feet due to mental illness. I am the youngest of my sisters and have always been able to rise above, but I feel as if I’m running from the loneliness or depression. I don’t want to let myself ruminate or be sad. Does this start with self love? Am I afraid to be alone because I don’t think I’m good enough? Am I just being dramatic and this is just a tricky transition period? Am I codependent?

    I’m trying my best to reframe my thoughts and recognize that life is truly not about the circumstances, but your mindset regarding them. I’m trying to acknowledge the fact that had my boyfriend not left, I would have never gotten as close with my new best friend. I’m trying to acknowledge that if I had found a roommate last year, I would have never had the spare room for her to move in to for 2 months. I am trying to see the golden nugget in this period of loneliness. I am trying to tell myself that this is practice for being independent, strong, and finding the comfort zone within myself.

    I did live alone for a few months post-break up/pre-roommate and I began to find the comfort zone within myself, and I actually enjoyed it. But once my friend moved in I soon remembered the warmth of relationships, dependency and a comfort zone with someone you get along with so well. I am hoping that I’m able to remember that feeling of independence. I’m thinking that maybe since I only lived alone for a couple months, the independence didn’t quite stick so I have to work it up again.

    That’s what I’m hoping at least, I just wanted to get some thoughts off my chest and hear some words of encouragement in this tricky time.

    • This topic was modified 7 years, 8 months ago by sadpeach.
    • This topic was modified 7 years, 8 months ago by sadpeach.
    #111270
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Tessa:

    We are social animals. We need people, like herd animals, we feel safer when connected to another or others.

    I like and need alone times often enough. Do you? If you enjoy your privacy at times, then you have two needs: connection to another and alone time.

    You feel sad because you are losing your roommate/ best friend. You feel scared because you are afraid of the coming sadness and it growing into a depression or such.

    Keep communicating with your best friend and with others. Keep posting here and I will reply to you every time you post. Just like your attachment to your boyfriend transferred to your soon-to-be roommate, part of your attachment to her can be transferred to another person/ other people.

    Hope you feel better and keep posting.

    anita

    #111634
    Christian Mills
    Participant

    Hey Tessa, I don’t really have any words of advice because it’s true, we are social cretures and being alone hurts. I’ve recently split from my girlfriend and just like now the nights are horrible!!! Only sites like these can help where you can talk, relieve a little bit of stress and feel a little bit reconnected with others. You WILL be ok in time and there are many here that you can talk to when you need it. I wish you the best and I’ll listen if you ever want to talk. Hang in there Tessa!!

    #111635
    Jessica Lynn
    Participant

    I think it’s time for you to be alone for good this time.

    #111636
    Jessica Lynn
    Participant

    I mean you need time to think everything out.

    #111641
    Spiritual Gangster
    Participant

    Hey Tessa,
    I don’t know if what I am going to say will help you or not but I hope it will.
    Honestly, your head is in the right place. You’re acknowledging what you need to acknowledge and you seem like a very bright girl.
    Of course, it’s going to suck adjusting to life without a partner in crime and without someone whom you can turn to as soon as sh*t hits the fan. But once you’ve fully adjusted, you’ll have experience living with your bestie and experience being independent. Then, you can truly determine which lifestyle you prefer and which is better for you.
    If you like living with someone, you can find someone to live with. If you like the independence, you can choose to remain alone.
    My advice would be to just stick it out for a bit, then adjust according to how you feel after giving it a fair shot.
    It just sucks right now but we all have to endure at least a little rain before we can see the rainbow.

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