Here again for some guidance.

I hadn’t intended this to be so long. But here it is.

I’ve posted before about my boyfriend and I of a year and a half. We broke up two weeks ago after a very rough six weeks of him needing space. We’d had some small disagreements that had started to cause tension in our relationship but, neither one of us took the real initiative to communicate and solve those issues. Instead, due to past relationship failures, we both became fearful, distant and introspective. We live a little less than an hour away from one another and have planted roots firmly in each of our lives but, were willing to see each other as much as possible and had many plans to move in together in the near future. For now, our time together was most often just weekends and with very little communication during the week. If he’d remember, he’d call before I went to bed for a brief summary of each other’s days. In the short year and a half, we went on many trips together, we loved doing the same things, had countless things in common, valued the same things and love each other tremendously. He became one of the greatest things that ever happened to me. But, because of this and my strong feelings for him I constantly feared losing him. I felt insecure and terrified throughout or relationship. Which is why I’ve been on here before.

It feels terrible when you realize your fears pushed things to the point of what you feared most. It makes you feel weak, completely out of control and full of remorse. To make the regrets harder to bare, it was me who ultimately ended it.  After our last argument, he called and said he needed space and wanted to eliminate the stress in our relationship. I asked if he was considering a breakup and he said he just needed to think things through and he needed to focus on things like his job and kids. A week passed, and we met for coffee, we both said we loved each other and talked things through but, many things were left unclarified. He said he still needed more space and to focus on his priorities more. So, I gave him space. I text him twice but, left it simple and short. Another couple week went by-very little contact. During that time, I felt rejected and all of my worst fears came rolling in. I was losing him, I missed him terribly and I was a total mess. I couldn’t sleep, work, eat and cried constantly. I made weekly appointments with my therapist and spoke to everyone who would listen but was terrified to reach out to him in fear I’d push him to tell me he couldn’t see us together anymore. When I did speak to him, he’d just tell me he was confused, sad and felt like he couldn’t get in control of the things in his life. Finally, at week 5, I told him I couldn’t go on like this anymore. I told him we needed to talk and get things cleared up. He called that night and I asked him what was going on. He said he was afraid. Thought we were wonderful together but, was afraid of being in another dysfunctional relationship. I told him, our biggest dysfunction was not talking things through. Most of our arguments just needed some work and TLC. I also told him it felt like putting in the work was something he seemed afraid to do. I always sensed he was holding back from investing to much. Which is one of the reasons I felt so insecure. He agreed that a phone conversation was not enough and that we needed to meet face-to-face and really get to the bottom of things. He asked if I would wait until the following weekend because he would not have his kids and would be completely free to work things out. So, Thursday night before the weekend he was supposed to be free, I hadn’t heard from him. No time and place had been set. I was frustrated that he did not take any initiative to make this happen. So, I text him and asked when he intended on making this happen. By this time, I was hurt and very frustrated. He replied with he had made plans to help a friend move and wanted to know if we could meet Sunday. And that was it! I was done. I’d waited in misery for weeks and waited another week for him to be free and he made other plans. I told him he was not invested, and I need to just get my things on Sunday. I was past being patient and just wanted to rip the band aid off. In my mind he was done and just too much of a coward to end things himself. So, when I picked up my stuff. I reiterated that he was not in this, has shown that he was not for a long time and didn’t deserve me. When I left he was crying and he hugged me goodbye.

Now, I’m obsessed. I can’t get him out of my head. I want to go back and do everything over. I don’t want to live without him and can’t understand how we ended up like this. I know some people are just not compatible but, we were!  He was the one imagined my future with. What do I do at this point? Do I try to rekindle? Leave it alone? I can’t see what’s best for me through all the emotions.